Haunted by Ghosting

I swear, being ghosted in the past has started to affect me in the present. I say this with angst because I cannot let that ruin anything that I currently have pending. I literally feel like I’m being haunted at this moment.

When I say have pending, I mean anybody that I’m interested in that I may be looking towards getting into a relationship with. I can’t let things that have happened in the past make me so paranoid that anything that they do I automatically go to the conclusion that they are ghosting me.

Let me tell you one of the reasons why being haunted sucks. It makes you want to rush things to the next level when you don’t need to. It makes you immediately want to ask questions like, “what am I to you?” Or “what are we?”. We all know those are no no questions but it makes you so insecure because of what you’ve been through that you kinda want to know upfront. You don’t want to waste your time or feel like you’re wasting your time because you’ve done that before. You’ve been patient. You’ve looked for clues and were given fake ones. And you just don’t have any trust in people. It kind of feels like everybody is going to do the same  thing the person did before them.  It creates serious trust issues.

I’m there now and it sucks!

I just wanna be in a place where I am dating someone and I feel secure, I’m not always on edge and I’m not always experiencing hurt over every little thing. I don’t want to be in this place anymore that I’m in.

Where are the Ghostbusters when you need them?

How do you really tell somebody that you have these issues and that maybe they should do this different or maybe they should do that different, when you can’t really be sure if it’s you or if it’s them? How do you go back to normal and not have that baggage? I mean aside from therapy. Like when you’re out in the average every day world and you can’t sit on the couch for an hour and vent to somebody, what do you do??

I just feel lost sometimes. I really do.

If I don’t wanna be single forever, which I don’t, I really have to get a handle on this. If I want to find the love that I deserve, I’m gonna have to let go of these ghost. In a proverbial sense, I have. However, when I’m faced with the smallest things that might be a slight issue with anybody I’m dealing with, these feelings just come rushing back and I don’t know how to handle it.

I’m learning and growing daily. I can acknowledge things that are going on with me and admit to them.

I also apologize. I just don’t want to alienate anybody or ruin my chances of finding the love I deserve because of these hard things.

I absolutely refuse to let nothing (which those people ended up being to me) ruin something that could be something great!

I REFUSE!

I’m glad communication is important and that people are patient and that they show effort in wanting to see where things go and make things work. If not, I surely would have, very possibly sabotaged myself.

I don’t think it’s fair to myself to keep letting them sabotage me either. I mean, they have gone on with your life and I was never really part of theirs anyway so why should I keep that allowing them to bring part of mine?

They do not want me. They do not care.

All I know is, they can’t stick around anymore and they definitely can’t keep haunting me.

Go away, Caspers! Go away!