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Hi, I'm a little new to this, not true to it so I don't know what I'm doing. I'm thinking maybe it will help me relax and stop overthinking about how much of a horrible person I am; I mean it's not like I'm the worse person in the world... nobody really is, I guess I just go through and or put myself through situations that make me look and feel bad.

I KNOW I'm not a bad person I just really need a break from reality? Or adulthood, I'm only 17... other's see that as "hey, you're almost an adult so act like one". I just feel like I've been treated and talk to like an adult most of my life and have had to be an adult in so many situations its tiring being me, isn't everyone tired though? sometimes I just have that sudden urge to stop breathing, not because I'm depressed or anything... but its relaxing, my mind goes blank and stop thinking.

I wish I could have friends my age, but it's hard to be friends with people you have nothing in common with. Most kids my age haven't had to have the lifestyle I've had; I think maybe that's why I'm so mad at everything. Is it because of all the nights I had to find out where I'm going to sleep, what I'm going to eat, how I'm going to eat, the money I'm going to make to provide, or communication so my mental doesn't die?

I just want to be a better person but it's always someone, somehow, or something that fucks myself over in the long run; And usually... it's me, I fuck myself over. Being confused and not knowing who to trust "tell a trusted adult "Is what I was at one point, but then a realized I couldn't trust the adults either; And when I did... they ALWAYS let me down, why? Is it because they couldn't trust me? Was I too much? Was I not enough? I'm still trying to figure out where I go wrong so fast you know?

I mean... yeah, I'm not going to do everything right, but at least I'm trying. I think that's when I get knocked off my pivot, it's like when I'm trying to do right something is said or done that knocks me right to the bottom all over again; I get help from the right people and they say something that makes me feel like I have done something wrong, and every time I have done something wrong anywhere growing up I usually had to move around, never talk or see that person again, or restart... and act like nothing happened; it's a really bad habit I wish was let go of before I had my baby. but that's another story the world can wait to read, hear, or talk about. I try not to speak to much of my son because I just don't feel like I've been the mother he deserves, I'm scared that I will love him the way he's supposed to be loved by me... and I mess things up for him or myself, or his life is put in danger and it's my fault. I guess I'm just not ready for the responsibility; it hurts to talk like this or even be typing this but that's how I feel as a teen mom, unready, not stable, lost & confused.

I get off topic a lot I'm not sure if it's the ADHD, the overthinking, or the constantly thinking... ill figure it out one of these days; hopefully!