family?

So recently sense I have gotten myself out of the streets and started to focus on getting my life together I've been staying with my grandparents in Tuttle. Which it's not bad, I just don't have any friends... I am okay with that because maybe that's a sign to focus on myself and stop worrying about others, I'm sure I will make more friends that are better for me and want to see me come up instead of bringing me down and not wanting good for me also. But sense I have been here; my mother also stays here AKA Trisha. The problem with that is our past, and the reason she doesn't have her own house anymore which she blamed me for is because she wouldn't get her life together, get a stable job, all the things a mother/grown woman should want and have not just as a parent but an adult. Yeah, when you don't have a job it's hard to supply your kids, but when you're getting help from the right people... normally people take the help, nope! Not my mother, she refuses to think she needs help, mentally, physically, spiritually, etc. the list goes on she, she takes the help she wants if that makes sense.

She also has a mental problem that makes her hear, think, see, things that aren't there... but she wants to put in everybody else's head that we are the ones crazy and she's not, which so I was told that's usually how non-mentally stable people are, I'm starting to realize that maybe I'm just going to have to live with her being like this because she won't get the help, and with her being a grown woman... nobody is going to force her to do something she doesn't want to do no matter how bad things get, all we can do is call the police or let her walk, sometimes she will walk from the City back to Tuttle. It's scary to think about though, I'm not sure if it's because she's my only parent left or my worries or because this world is pretty fucked up.

I've lowkey been acting like she doesn't exist sense I have been here I don't know if it's because I'm mad of how she treated me as a kid, things she put me through as a kid for her happiness, or it's because I've never really got to be a kid most of my life and I blame her for making me grow up at such a young age. I know I shouldn't, and I'm starting to realize how nice it is for us to all be together, I seen her hug my brother and his son/my nephew tonight and everybody was in my nana's kitchen smiling telling each other goodnight. I wanted to cry but instead made the sarcastic remark "Arent we just a big happy family?!" everybody laughed, but for some reason it felt wrong to say.

I think the main thing that pisses me off & makes me upset is she wants to be in her grandchildren's life so bad, but could never be there for us or if she was there for us, it's because somebody else said something that made her look bad or want to pay attention to us, all of us were practically abandoned my sibling's had their dad, my brother had my grandparents and I had my abusive mother who beat all the love that I had for her out of me... even the nights I was there to save her life, the nights I was put into harm's way for her or because of her. Never was I given an apology and that's my problem I can't forgive her even if she did apologize; My mother is the first heart break that changed me forever.