Diary Of Narcissistic Abuse

A lot has happened since the last miserable entries. ( see below)The man moved out an it is fair to say that life took a huge downward spiral for a long time. I think him moving out at the time seemed like a huge nail in a coffin that was full of rusting nasty nails. Going into work was my only salvation at the time. I was so confused and the sense of loss was so great that it was like looking out of a child's eyes waiting for her dad to come.

My decision to re-enroll on the hugely dysfunctional relationship with the love of my life has seen another year of tears and misery as we try to negotiate a life made of 2 broken people peering over a 10ft wall into happiness but just not managing to clamber the wall. We went to counselling but I don't think it helped. My childhood is so deeply woven into my psyche that no-one can reach me.  I am a broken piece of pottery that is found in the garden. Worthless, unable to be reassembled, scattered by repeated emotional battery. 

After countless falling out and making up mostly down to me and my insecurity and unwillingness to absorb enough love and care to be settled. I believe we are finally in a good place. 

I don't quite know what changed. I feel like I have been at war for 3 years. I was so scared of not having this mans love that I pushed it away even when it was offered. To be scared to be loved in such a painful place. I remember very little love growing up and you'd think I would be used to being unloved and mostly I am. This man is different and I know I will spend my dying day with him. Not because I am scared to be alone as before but because I feel we have reached a place where we have started to repair each other, we are each others glue. 

Lost respect for him. Goes on about having his own home but is actually just living with his dad rent free so he can live in a crappy council block forever. Has big plans but doesn't actually have the motivation to do anything. Even swimming rarely happens. 

Lost respect because he left me standing there at ice hockey like a twat because he wouldn't pay for my ticket or quibbles over a drink at the bar. 

Lost respect because he acts like I am nothing special to him. I should be grateful for a hand full of hours he dolls out. He wants to visit my house and be comfortable but not commit to living with me or paying towards anything.

I feel like I am coerced constantly into things I am not happy with. Taking away Thursday nights, what to eat, what we do, when we do it, moving out, keeping me away from his life. Telling me my friends and family are shit, complaining about everything till I change it. Only having sex when he wants to. 

What happened 2024-Tonights shift was so hectic, mental illness doesn't stop regardless of the seasons and for a private hospital you'd think that they would have air conditioning in more than just the patients rooms, especially as we can't wear short sleeves. I've had my good morning message from the man, he's off to work and I can't wait to get into my bed once I have fought through the traffic! Picked up Roo and lets hope he doesn't want to do full arts and crafts before school! I come in and Roo runs upstairs in excitement to explore the room he hasn't seen for 12 hours! The drama! He comes back downstairs and says ' M**t's stuff is gone' I look at him .. I instantly spot the note on my bed. I have a fucking note on my bed.. A note telling me he loves me but he has left. Texting all evening and this morning.. telling me he loves me and have a good shift etc etc all while moving all his stuff out