Diary Of Narcissistic Abuse

After 3 rough years I never thought to ask whether he was committed. Committed to me, or the relationship or.. I just assumed that. What a punch to the gut to realise that when someone says they want you to be happy it doesn't include them actually participating in the happiness making. This man has made me so miserable over the years with his wishy washy attitude to committing that it has left me insecure and needy. I am a shadow of my former self. He cares nothing for me and thinks nothing of just ignoring my messages when it suits. I just need to get through one more day  and his things will be gone and I can finally move on..

I have had to sacrifice my beloved allotment and all the hard work I have put in but I know I will never get over him if I go there again. The thought of never seeing him again is tonight extremely painful and my tears are making it hard to see.  I thought we were doing really well but I was just kidding myself. I don't think he wanted this anymore, the house and the relationship. He had had enough of the couple life and wanted his boring one back. 

I can't believe that I thought we would ever have a life together in the future. He didn't want his credit card on my amazon ffs. He didn't want us to buy a house or do anything that roped us together like a normal couple. He will never be happy unless he is making all of the decisions and having a say in everything. 

Here we are in 2023. I have just read the journal entries and my heart breaks for that girl. � 

After splitting with him 18 months ago, I definitely went through the firey pits of hell at times but as i sit here now it was so worth it. Cutting the invisible strings that kept me bound to him for so long.

It's shocking to think I came across like such a weak needy person but this isn't true. I was strong like a brick house but the rain and wind lept beating down till I started to disintegrate into dust.

I'm gonna be honest, when covid happened we were closer than ever. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.. when I got covid he looked after me from afar. I was his one and only, it was wonderful. Then, my beautiful grandaughter arrived and it was like the ties matt and I had were broken. The affection he had for me stopped again, going home in the middle of the night again. No communication, no affection. Just 

constant criticising that made me cry before appointments. I'd see 

lovely clients who treated me like gold dust and my bf would treat me like I was an inferior product he couldn't send back. I'd reached the end. I came in from seeing the baby with poppy. He was in my garden doing sweeping and other pointless shit. I sat with him, he said something mean but after 18 months I've forgotten the last cruel dig. I went upstairs, I sat and remembered the baby, the smell and the beautiful innocence that is matilda. I'd had enough finally of this toxic relationship. He came up and said he was 

going home.. I said OK.. and that was 

that. It was over. 

I've seen him at the allotment. I've 

spoken to him. Helped him weed and he has helped me but much as I still love him I don't want that life back at all. 

Tomorrow is another day x