Dear Mother

Dear Mother,

It has been 10 years since we have talked, but I want you to know that, not a day goes by that you do not cross my mind. I am forty-one now and so much has occurred in the last ten years. First, genetics finally caught up with me. You were twenty-five when you had your first heart attack- I was lucky to dodge the bullet till thirty-nine ( I guess I was doing something right- insert crying laughing emoji) After two heart attacks with a coding incident, one pacemaker, six blood clots and taking a handful of pills on purpose daily- I am happy to announce that I am still here to continue seeing your grandchildren who are now fifteen and sixteen, make it to adult hood. I say this because, with the uncensored reality of my mortality -there is something vital I need you to know before we see one another. I know the day will come, and we will be face to face, so I want to clear the air, so we can start our second relationship fresh.

I will rip the band-aid off and tell you that I have always loved you, but at one point I did not like you to the point of disdain, but never once have I hated you. It is no secret that from five to fourteen the only thing that you cared about was drugs. Did you love me? You did. Was I a priority? Absolutely not. You were a good mother, until you were not. And now that I am a mother, I openly admit that you were partially instrumental in making me the mom that I am- everything that you were not. My childhood was enshrouded with bullies, not only at school, but by your mental and physical abuse at home. I never felt safe, was always on edge and scared to tell anyone- especially grandma, because I did not want her to worry. I am sure the drugs will not let you remember when I was six, but you told me that I would never be nothing but a stupid fat slob. Those words resonated with me, and I took every moment moving forward to prove you wrong. I may not be where I necessarily want to be, but I am confident that I still succeeded. Do you remember when I was eight during that frigid winter? We had no food, water, or lights and lived in the rusted tuna can of a trailer. You had taken every comforter you could find and bundled me under them. I woke during the night and saw you on the sofa under a sheet close to the kerosene lamp attempting to absorb any heat the cold would allow. I went back to my room and prayed that with all my soul that God would hear my prayer,

“Please God, don’t let these bad times last always”.

From that day, I just kept believing that he would answer my prayer and he did when I was fourteen. It was around this time that you ghosted us, and I was living with Grandma. God rest her sweet soul she did everything that she could to provide, but I knew that she struggled even with working two jobs. When Great Aunt Connie felt His call, she threw us the life vest that saved my life. One day she called and asked if I wanted to live with her in Florida and without hesitation, I wholeheartedly accepted the opportunity to leave that Louisianan hell hole that I was destined to be successful in taking my life. Though it hurt to leave, I knew that without me as a responsibility Grandma could focus on making sure that she could survive.

I did not realize how incredibly broken I was until I lived with our aunt. It was a day that I had accidently broke a glass and immediately fell to pieces. While I cowered, expecting a beating- I was taken aback with her concern,

“Are you ok?” she asked as she scrambled to retrieve the dustpan and broom.

“Step back so I can get this all cleaned up. Go put on some shoes so you don’t get glass in your foot” she said. I pled with her to not hit me, because it was an accident. She took her attention from the task and gave me the saddest and sweetest look ever. Aunt Connie took my hand and looked seriously into my tear-filled eyes.

“I don’t know what Jackie did to you, but I want you to know that I am here to love you, not hurt you. I know that it was an accident, and they happen- I just want to make sure that you are ok and know that you will be okay.”

After that day, she suggested that I see a therapist. I relented, but finally I gave in- because I knew that our aunt only wanted what was best for me and it turned out to be an important milestone of my development. It is because of Aunt Connie I am a confident individual with the strength to fight against my bipolar tendencies of self- harming. It was the love of a woman who never had a child of her own (but always wanted) with no prior child rearing experience (much less one with emotional damage) took in, raised, and mended, just because she felt God’s call and push.

Everyone knew that you were a screw up, hell I know that you know you were too. But I want you to know that the best thing that you could have ever done was leave me. Thank you for having me- despite the fact you wanted to abort me. I suppose I should consider myself fortunate that I was not the first one and no one would pay for the second one. Thank you for letting God deliver me to my real mom; the woman that I will always and forever love more than you. I respect and love you always as my mother, but my REAL mom will always have the place in my heart that once was reserved for you. She made me the mom and woman that I am proud to say I am.

When I was a little girl, I was awestruck by your drawing talent and your beauty. Before you became the monster you were, you were my hero. I am proud that you got sober and was able to see your grandchildren come into this world- especially when the doctors told me that I would never have any. It is surreal to look at Shaun because I know that he was the one that you let get away. I know that my unborn brother was so special and was meant to be. I thank God for using me to help him live the life that he was meant and that you got to experience an iota of the wonder that he is. I do not think that you would have been able to manage an autistic child and if he would have made it, perhaps I would not have. I used to wish that I had siblings, but in retrospect everything happened as it should have. One kid going through hell was better than two; not to mention if there was two of us, I feel I would have never made it out (because taking on two kids would have been too much on another’s charity, I am sure).

I know that it was never your intention, but you devastated me, broke me, and made me feel that that I was never worthy of a healthy loving relationship from ANYONE. But the devil is a lie and God showed me his favor, grace, and mercy in the arms of a woman that CHOSE me- who has never done anything but love and cherish me. Our aunt is whom I have called mom since I was sixteen. She is eighty-one now, and it is possible that you may see her before I do, but I wanted you to know before we are all reunited that she is the earthly light and protector that you should have been. My mom is the one that I will always love more than you- before and after this life. I know that knowing that your child loves someone more than you may be a little painful, but that is MY truth. However, knowing that my time on earth is limited has pushed me tell you these things, while I am still in my mind, in this body and before I see you again in the great beyond.

Tell Grandma that I love and appreciate all that she did. It still pains me to my core that her she never got to meet her great grandchildren. I know that she would have loved them more than she loved me (and that love was immeasurable). Even though you were a terrible mother and person for a long span of your life- I know that in the end, you tried your best to be better. With that, I know that the God that we serve has forgiven you; and I am confident that my ill feelings had long since subsided before you passed on. I still have all your ashes, because I knew that you always wanted to be close to your heart-Shaun. I bring you out for holidays, even making you a small plate while the children talk to you-I know that you hear them and feel their love. You were a disappointing mom, but the best Grandma that any child could imagine. I am grateful for the good times and appreciate the bad. I love you- see you soon.

Love always,

Angie