Dear Concern

Dear concerns

You gave me a dream, a dream of becoming something I thought I was meant for but never really prepared. You were so washed away by my goodness that even your expert eyes couldn't see how unprepared I was. You were proud of me; I was proud to make you proud. I dreamed of making you more proud, happier, as I looked up to you, I wanted to become you, you were the shining star that I wanted to reach. Then I slipped one day, the weight of my own expectation was too much, so I made a mistake. I had the ultimate chance to get one step closer to you, to becoming you, but I messed it up, for the first and the only and the most significant time, I messed it up, and I embarrassed you, I failed you, I defeated myself by shaming you with my failure. With my goodness, with my achievements, you were with me. With my one sole single downfall, you were not anymore. I didn't need your practical help, I didn't need your referral, I didn't need your acceptance or confirmation, I didn't need your favor, I only needed your support, the assurance that one thing does not negate everything else, that even if I was bad at that time, I was still good enough, I was still valid, it was a slip, not an eternal fall, that it was a barrier not an end, that's all I needed from you. But you abandoned me.

Dear concerns,

You were my friend. As a friend you offered me something, as myself I declined it, and you called me narrow minded. Your behavior changed with me, I still asked for your emotional support, because I'm stupid, and you were my friend. You ignored me, I lashed out, you said you didn't deserve me. That's where the friendship ended. You and others went out to show me how unwanted I was, how bothersome was me and my need for emotional support. That's where the friendship crushed to the ground. When I needed you among the very few times of me actually needing you, I was a nuisance to you, and you abandoned me too.

Dear concern, I know as someone popular you were scared to have someone like me who embarrassed you. So, I forgive you. Dear concerns, I know now that we were never friends, so I forgive you too. I also forgive you for making my most favorite memories a distant foreign nightmare to me, I forgive me, I forgive you, I let you go.

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Holding up on all of my favorite things, haven't picked up a pen for me in days, haven't typed a single word for me in days, haven't put a single taint of color in days, the notes are just left barren just like me. Holding up on all of my favorite things, haven't watched a comfort drama in months, haven't planned for a movie since forever, waiting for myself to be ready for them, ready enough to not find my favorite things disgusting, ready enough to not find my happiness strange, ready enough to not find myself as a stranger, I'm terrified of the stranger that is myself. I'm scared the sources of happiness that are on hold for a while will rot, will get lost, will shut down, exhausted, waiting for me, just like me, waiting for something to turn the switch button on and bring life into me. How each day is passing by privileged comfortable misery, a stinky stagnancy, even I don't know, just waiting for air, waiting for the almighty to show mercy on the world, and to me also by chance.