Confessions of a Liar
At My Most Terrible. ABCommunities Challenge Week Ending 25/02/25
So, it's confession time. While I am sure that most people that follow my scribblings, poetic etchings and stories will not be so fickle to stop subscribing and reading because of this, there is the potential that you might. I have made peace with that.
For my ABCommunities Challenge, I landed on the Confessions community. I did think about ways around actually doing any confessing, because I feel like I never stop confessing things through my writing and my comments and discussions with people.
Then I started thinking about it more seriously.
I do my very best to be a nice person. But, the truth is. Often I am not. Often, I wish that aside from my loved ones, the rest of the world would disappear and give me some peace and quiet. Sometimes on public transport or out and about among other humans, I get those undesirable, intrusive thoughts. I am sure it's normal, especially for someone with mental health issues. Still, they are there. But for now, I am confident I will never act on them.
There was a that one time, when I was younger, when I kicked a girl between the legs. The kick was not so accident, but the location was. This is spoken about at great length, here:
I don't believe in sycophancy, though, to be clear. So, if I have given you a positive comment, I most definitely meant it. Of that you can be sure.
Why am I telling you all this - for some background and context. To show I realise how flawed I am. My arrogance as a writer/poet is sometimes on display in my work and in humorous banter between many of you, but I will be the first to stand up and say how terrible I have been and still can be as a person.
One of my greatest flaws is lying. While it is something I am trying to really work on, it still causes me issues and is still a fallback so many times in my life.
I don't actually like it. I prefer when I can be transparent and open with people, but I avoid it, for so many reasons.
After deciding what this piece was going to be about, I started to think about all the times I've lied and how many I could remember. I am not about to disclose that number, because it's pretty arbitrary at this point. However, I also started to think about why I had lied and the most common reason was fear.
- Fear of being caught doing something I shouldn't
- Fear of people knowing what I was really like
- Fear that the truth would upset and anger people
- Fear that the truth would push people away
- Loss of control and shame fuel my lies, too.
When I was younger, so much younger than I am today. (Sorry, bad time for a silly reference to The Beatles?) When I was younger, I didn't lie a lot, but there are times I remember. Once I got into trouble in class, it was primary school, so I was less than 11 years old and I got sent to the head teacher's office. I was told by the secretary to wait outside. We used to call it the "white wall" because, guess what, it was white. Often, we would be sent there and Mrs Kelly would basically make us sit there, so that tension built as we waited for our punishment to be doled out. Only for her to tell us to get back to class after a half hour wait.
Once I took an eraser from the end of a pencil, tore it off, licked it, and stuck it to my head. Our head teacher had a spot on her forehead that looked like that. Very mature, but very funny at the time. I also got scissors out and made a slight nick on my tie.
When Mrs Kelly eventually called me into her office, she didn't give me the quick send away she normally does. She asked what I did for my teacher to send me to her office.
Now, I had two options that I had to quickly weigh up.
I could have told the truth and said, "Mrs Kelly, I am sorry but I took one of the erasers you get at the end of a pencil, tore it off, licked it and put it on my forehead to mock your disgusting spot that you can't actually do anything about, for laughs."
You see where I am going with this, right?
Or I could make some shit up about "I pulled some silly faces at some of the people in my class"
I thought. Good answer.
"What kind of faces?" she asked.
Damn, why didn't I think this through?
I then pulled the lamest, goofiest faces I could think of.
She looked disappointed in my faces and in my attitude.
So, while my lying didn't really do me favours, and made me look stupid, telling the truth would have been worse. That's how I read the situation in my head anyway.
Plus, anyone who is a keen follower of my writing here (hi, by the way), will know that I had a bad experience once with telling someone something a little too honestly. (I told someone that they couldn't come to my party, in primary school, because I "didn't like them".) The link below includes that and many other things I am not proud of.
So, I had two very good examples, at least I thought, of why it was bad to tell the truth.
I think that fear of what I did to that boy, along with just fear and shame in general, fuelled my lying.
There are lots of things I have lied about over the last few years, particularly since being married.
Thanks a lot to my addiction issues.
I've lied about emotional affairs, lied about porn use, lied about inappropriate chatroom use, lied about lying.
I've lied a lot. Too many times to include even the most heinous all in this article without it becoming more bloated than it already is.
And just like anything you do often, it becomes habit - second nature.
I am not proud and would hope that me writing about it so candidly does not come off that way.
As I said at the outset, I often feel like a terrible human being, because based on my actions I have acted like a terrible human being. And at the centre of it all is the lying.
It is something I am constantly trying to fight against. I still mess up and still find being 100% honest all the time hard. Even though, I know, deep down, it is not that hard. It feels hard.
I have gotten myself into lots of trouble, hurt people I love and disrupted my life immeasurably, and in addition to all the bad things, the wrong turns and rotten paths I've taken, lying has been a driving force for everything.
Writing about my mental health, my past wrongs, and how I’ve hurt my wife—helps. Writing about my addiction issues. Helps. It helps me to face up to my past actions, to think about them, I do a lot of meditating on my past actions anyway, so it goes hand in hand with that as a way of making me take accountability.
I’m still trying to be a better person—still trying not to lie. I still find myself slipping up and lying. But sometimes now I come clean much quicker. Other times, I catch myself before I even lie.
So, that's progress?
I don’t know if I’ll ever be free from this habit, but I have to keep trying—because if I stop, I know where that road leads.
*
Thanks for reading!
Author's Notes: This is for my ongoing ABCommunities Challenge to myself, inspired by Rachel Deeming's similar idea. In which I will write for a different community every week of the year, particularly those that I have never written in before.
Here are other things:
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About the Creator
Paul Stewart
Award-Winning Writer, Poet, Scottish-Italian, Subversive.
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More stories from Paul Stewart and writers in Confessions and other communities.
Thoughts on Vocal and the way the world is
"Death cannot stop true love, only delay it." – Wesley in The Princess Bride. I decided to come back to Vocal on a very cold and dark night at the end of December. I had been, and still am, convalescing from a horrible staph infection that had gone misdiagnosed for months. This, paired with the increasing challenges of being healthy, making the best choices for my co-parented child, being a wife, and being a director at a new job, was a lot to manage.
By Jazzy 3 days ago in Confessions
I Confess
I confess that I have spent more time pretending than living. I confess that I have smiled when I wanted to scream, nodded when I wanted to refuse, and stayed silent when my heart begged me to speak. Confession is not just about admitting guilt; it is about admitting the small betrayals we commit against ourselves every day. And I am guilty, in the quietest, most persistent way, of betraying myself.
By LUNA EDITH3 days ago in Confessions
Comments (21)
Honesty and a heart laid bare. Courage is a tool and you’ve mastered it!
Well done on braving the Confessions community, Paul. Your discussion of the motivations for lying definitely hit at some key factors, especially the fear and pride that are wrapped up caring about how we are perceived by others.
Don't mind me...just catching up on a bunch of your work... I enjoyed reading this, my friend. We all have things we dislike about ourselves and want to better. I have plenty about myself. I think it's great progress that you can be honest here about lying :) We all do it from time to time.
What a great article for the strength of honesty and how to be more honest and not hurt anybody. Truth and honesty do go together even with shades of gray.
Of course that's progress! Not everyone can own up to their bad habits and try to do better. That by itself is already a progress. As for lying, I did and still do my fair share too. It started when I was in primary school. I always lied to fit in, to look cool. Unconsciously, it carried into my adult life as well. But just like you, I'm trying my best to refrain from it, by being brutally honest. I know it's not good because some people might get hurt but it is what it is. My parents and others adults from when I was a kid always told me it's wrong to lie. But guess who lied? Them. The very people who taught me it's wrong to lie, were lying about so many things. Then it progressed to them asking me to lie for them. Such hypocrites!
True confessions with your usual charm and wit - Love it Paul! You have given me inspiration for a future story about some of the pranks I got up to at boarding school. Nice job!
Well that was an incredibly honest piece. It’s funny but when people admit to having flaws and not being nice, it puts me at ease. We all have faults. Nobody is perfect. (Except Mary Poppins perhaps?!) I’m more fearful and suspicious around people who claim they’re so kind and generous. Well done for writing such a raw and thoughtful piece.
In the book of Genesis, when God is promising Abram & Sarai that they will have a son, Sarai laughs to herself & says, "Am I to know joy when my husband is so old?" God subsequently asks Abram, "Why does Sarai ask, 'Am I to know happiness when I am so old?" The rabbis point to the passage as one of two examples when it's okay to lie: to preserve the peace/keep from hurting someone (especially within the family); the other is to spare/save a life. I am also reminded that in the 12 steps we are to make amends where possible, but only where it will not cause greater harm. All of that having been said, "Et tu, Paulus?" (I'm guessing you & I are not the only ones with this sort of character flaw.)
Well, this was fun, eye opening and so so relatable!! I love what confessions you've brought to light today Paul!! The vulnerability behind this piece today is so admirable!
Trauma response Paul. I have bad anger issues from bottling feelings
Honesty is a brutal business. Sometimes I think.people who lie give themselves a hard time when all they are doing is softening blows.... which when you think about it, is quite nice. Who wants to stick.their honest neck out and risk getting it chopped off? That fear is massive and takes a lot to do especially when you just want to be liked! That said. Only you know the intent and context of your adult lies. However, knowing what I know of you they were probs usually to protect even if they did inevitably deceive. Nobody that bad could write this Pal. Be kind to yourself because real life punches all on its own.
Is it even possible to be 100% honest all the time? Such honesty might feel heartless... I am all for the golden middle, whatever it may be in any given situation. This is a corageous piece of yours, it's never easy to reveal those ugly and smelly parts of ourselves!
This is such a brave and (ironically enough) honest piece. Thank you for opening up and sharing about this so candidly, Paul. That is no easy thing to do! Bravo.
Paul, I have never felt more seen by anything on this platform. I started therapy last year because of how much guilt and shame I felt for lies in my past. I felt like the worst person alive, reflecting on my own dishonesty. It is so addicting and even exhilarating to lie, to escape our own reality. What I didn’t realize was how much hurt and pain and self resentment was fueling that tendency. We all deserve to give ourselves a little love and kindness and grace, especially as we work to do better and be better. Honesty is hard, but so, so rewarding. And I think we all get those dark, intrusive thoughts—but thoughts are just exactly those, thoughts! They aren’t our reality or an explicit depiction of how we feel. Depression and mental health issues are bound to fuel these kinds of thoughts. They are not us and don’t define us any more than our kind thoughts do, and not at all as much as our actions! This touched me so deeply, and I feel even more connected to your amazing writing now! Know you are absolutely not alone in this! ♥️ Give yourself some grace today for me!
your confession reminds me of a quote of TS Eliot- humankind cannot bear very much reality-- I fear we all have lied to others and ourselves- guess the only recourse is to be brave enough to face what we fear. Nice job writing
I don't think there's anyone who hasn't lied at some point. I admire your willingness to be so open about it. Well done.
Paul, your transparency and vulnerability are truly admirable. It takes a lot of courage to talk about the things we aren't proud of, but you face it with such grace. Thank you for sharing such powerful confessions! It isn't easy. And I hope you know that you have my support!
I think everyone has told a lie at one time or another in their lives, and if they say they haven't, they're a liar. I commend you for coming forth and admitting your "flaws", for that is always the hardest part of the battle. I have a bad habit of always telling the truth, but there have been instances in which I've lied to get out of trouble or to cause less stress in a situation. It's not easy to always tell the truth, and some instances don't require you to, a white lie is best in those times. You're a better man than you think you are, Paul. I'm sure Ms Ruth would agree with me on this.
A very deep dive here, pal. I've followed your writing closely, although I'm sure I've missed some that I need to find and read. You've been very openly confessing your addiction and I think the majority of us support and perhaps even applaud that. I think you'd be hard pressed to find any normal person that doesn't lie for one reason or another, from saving face to knowing that the truth would only injure someone else. Then, of course, there's lying by omission. I'm not arguing that honesty is the best policy; just saying that I believe we all abandon it at times. I can say for sure that if there's a judgment day coming, I'll have a lot of lies to answer for. A very interesting piece, sir!
I think this story is so very powerful 🍀✍️🍀
I'm dreading this community. So many skeletons... You, however, do candour really well, brutally so. Sometimes, I feel uncomfortable at the starkness of what you tell us. I don't squirm but I do tighten a little. I hope it's cathartic for you, that it is a cleansing, a release, a forward movement and all those other clichés which point to the truth of something. I'm now stepping out from behind the screen of the confessional box to do some knitting. Good work as always, chumlee.