Confessions of a Hopeless Love

June 5th

We are friends now. We will hang out in Stephen’s living room almost every night this summer. And last summer. We sit on opposite sides of the room and share the occasional laugh and small conversation. I don’t know how to tell you that I try to avoid your gaze. It hurts too much to look in your eyes and know that they will never look back at me the way they used to. I don’t know how to hug you goodbye without giving it away that I never want to let go.

Sometimes I convince myself that you feel it too. The tension. That the glances I throw at you can tell you exactly what I’m thinking because, god, I could never say it out loud. And that your glances speak to me, too. We have an entire conversation, unspoken yet completely understood.

I think about The Conversation, too. The Conversation where we finally get it all out on the table. I would ask you why you broke things off. Twice. You would give an answer that would explain every behavior since. But for the life of me I cannot fathom what that answer would be. You were young? Just a kid who didn’t know what he wanted? Or maybe you cared too much. You didn’t want to mess it up like you messed up every relationship before so you pushed me away? The worst one I can come up with is that you don’t have an explanation. You don’t think about it anymore. Hell, you didn’t even think about it much back then. It was years ago. We almost dated sophomore year and then hooked up once at a party. It meant nothing to you. That one hurts the most. The opposite of love isn’t hate; it’s indifference. I never want you to be indifferent about me. I will never be indifferent about you.

June 18th

I hope I read this later and laugh. I hope someone or something comes along and makes you seem...smaller. In my mind, at least. You take up so much space right now.

June 24th

The concert was hard. I looked at you as we sang the songs I would cry to in my room. The songs that reminded me too much of you. You had no idea.

July 5th

We went on a trip together. Sara and Stephen were there too, obviously. I almost let it all out a few times. We were drunk. I always think about you when I’m drunk. It could have slipped out so easily. I’m sure you think I’m mad at you all the time. The truth is that I have to force myself to walk away from you because it’s too much sometimes. The tension. It’s all in my head, obviously. But when you lean in close to whisper a joke in my ear, or when you look so deep into my eyes I’m afraid you can read my mind - god, I live for those moments. But I can’t let myself swim in that pleasure for too long. If you keep looking into my eyes I will tell you all my secrets. So I have to walk away from you. It’s like pulling apart two magnets but you can’t know what I’m thinking. You’re happy. I’ve never seen you this happy. I would never want to ruin that. You have been through enough and you deserve to be this happy for the rest of your life. I only wish it were me that put the smile on your face. But if she is what makes you happy, then I am happy for you. My first almost-love.