You Ruined The Stars

I can't look at the stars anymore. You ruined them for me. You ruined them because we were looking at the stars that night. Shivering. We were the only two left by the fire. Now I know why you stayed out even though you couldn't stop yawning. All of our other friends had long gone to bed but you claimed you weren't tired. As for why I stayed out so late that night, I don't know, but I liked being with you. I liked when we held hands to tease our friends who thought we were together, even after they had left. I liked when I got sleepy and moved closer so I could rest my head on your shoulder and you put your arms around me. I liked hearing our footsteps pound on the asphalt as we ran back towards the fire because the cold was pinching at our skin.

Our necks bent backwards as you tried to point out the Big Dipper. I spun around and around in the dark searching for it until I got dizzy. I almost fell over and we laughed. God, I love your laugh. Then it faded. It was quiet except for the crickets and cracking of the fire. You looked at me. I was staring into the flames but I could feel your eyes on my face. I wish I knew what you were thinking. Was it “she’s so pretty” or “I’m so nervous” or “I like her so much”? I don’t know. The crazy thing is that I think I knew it was gonna happen. My heart started racing and I got this feeling in my gut telling me “you better be ready”. I'd only had that feeling once before. It was right before my drunken first kiss at prom. So I should have known what was coming.

Even then I wasn’t prepared when you turned my face towards yours. Your hand on my cheek, so gentle. Looking so deep into my eyes I was afraid you could read my mind. And that should have been it. Our lips would have met. The question I had been asking myself for five years, answered. I would have gone to bed that night feeling giddy. The butterflies that started in my stomach travelling to every corner and crease of my body making me toss and turn with glee. I would think about it on the drive home and a shy grin would appear across my face. My mom would ask what I'm smiling about. I would say "nothing" and feel my face burn red. Every night I would replay the whole night in my head like a movie. Softly sending me off to sleep with images of you, us, spinning in my head.

But when you leaned in I pulled back. The look of disappointment in your eyes was too sad for me to hold your gaze. You apologized and I told you not to. But all of a sudden it was too cold and you were too tired. It wasn't worth it anymore to stay up and connect the dots of the constellations. You walked me to my cabin then left. I wish I knew what you were thinking as I watched you walked up the hill to your cabin that night. I hope you weren't angry. I hope you weren't embarrassed, either. I wish you could know that I wanted to kiss you too. I don’t know how you felt. All I know is that I hated myself for weeks. I missed you for months. And I'll curse the stars forever.