Butterflies and Bruises

In 2021, I fell in love for the first time with my childhood crush. I will call him Alpha through the whole series. I never expected him to take notice of me until he confessed that he too liked me . We started talking and sharing everything we possibly could. He was a very nice person and also a little guarded about his feelings and thoughts. He did not talk much about how the relationship made him feel. We used to spend a lot of time together and he used to love listening to my yapping and was very understanding. He used to guide me so nicely through my hardships and always wanted the best for me. He adored me!

Whenever I used to see him in karate tournaments, I would be mesmerised by the way he tackled his opponents. He was an extrovert, unlike me and fearless. Everything was going respectfully and slowly until I messed everything up. I wanted more from him. Whenever we used to have a fight, I would take the liberty to cheat on him. I would confess very time I cheated and he did be so hurt. It happened for like 4 times until he broke up with me and lost interest. I regretted everything and was drowning in guilt. I begged him, chased him, pleased him and did everything I could to get him back but he kept me in an ambivalent situation. His love was unpredictable !

In 2023, I gave up after trying for 4 months. I jumped into another relationship without moving on from him ( well we will talk about this mistake in the next chapters). I tired loving the other person but Alpha was still the one I loved wholeheartedly.

Now, the twist....Alpha called!!!!! I wanted to get back together. He said that he made a mistake leaving me and he wanted to build things again. I was stunned. I laughed. I had that kind of satisfaction that Alpha would regret hurting me then. I wanted him to experience the kind of pain that he gave me. He did miss me a lot back then ( I know it 'cause we are very good friends now).

I wanted to go back to him, I wanted to give our relationship another shot but I was tied to this new relationship and I did not want to ditch my new boyfriend. He made me feel awesome, more loved then Alpha could ever show. It took me months to love this new person but he was okay with it.

I stalked Alpha and wished to talk to him because besides our messed up past, we were childhood friends and I valued that fact. This new person was not so much of a guide to me in tough phrases, I felt disoriented. I wished that I could go and ask Alpha about the things that went beyond my head but I couldn't, as my new boyfriend was jealous and insecure.

I genuinely think that the break up was necessary for both of us. Our needs were different and we could make an amazing bond of pure friendship and nothing more than that. Alpha got more mature and had a serious glow up and I figured out my needs in a relationship and corrected my mistakes. I became more independent in taking my own decisions and choosing my own path. Sometimes I did feel hopeless but I conquered it all.

I just wish I could go back in past, just before my CLAT examination and talked to Alpha about it because that phrase was drastic. I could not figure out what to study and when to. My school was very strict about attendance, as if they wanted it to be 100%. I had to spend 8 hours in school everyday. We were given projects to complete and homeworks...then I had tuitions to attend, then do some self study for my school exams, then study current affairs every single day along with the other 5 subjects of CLAT. The stress I was under, made me cry and lose my mind almost everyday. I had no one to show me the most appropriate directions, I was sure Alpha could have but as I said, I could not contact him for the sake of my new boyfriend.

Alpha was the reason for my first ever butterflies in a relationship and also the bruises that taught me a lot.

The update is that after everything that happened, we started talking and he considers me as his best friend now. And, that "other person" is nowhere to be found in my life. Yes, we broke up!