A Tale of Two Mother's

My tale is probably not uncommon, or rare, but it is my own to tell.A happy girl was I growing fast in a blink of an eye.

Days spent gazing so softly at my mom, her graceful beauty shone through the darkest day and through the scariest thoughts. She could always make me feel safe and loved.

Childhood was grand, camping, skiing, swimming. Sunday dinners at Grandma and Grandpa's always a yummy surprise. Bible stories were the norm, a prayer at every meal.

The christian word was your truth and you told me all the time that God would save my soul, if I believed and lived a life of holiness, those words soothed my battered soul, that at times ached and longed for things I did not understand.

You were so prim and proper dressed to the nine as I sat at your feet, watching you get ready for your night on the town, make up so charming you looked so pretty, as i giggled and played with your big makeup brush.Dad so dashing and debonair grabs your hand "Let's go dear" the two of you are off, heading for the door, I stand alone a the top of the stairs,I run towards the window hoping to get one more glimpse there you go I wave, you do not see me.

Sometimes when all is quite I swear I hear your humming, those old church hymns, you sang all the time as you did your housework or making bread, that big steel bread bowl that was so big I could sit in it.

These memories whisper to me like fragments of time fading slowly in the recess of my mind.

The photograph slips from my hand and topples to the floor, the time is late now I must be getting to bed as thoughts of your image go round in my head. How miss your warm embrace, how I long to see your smile, but for now all I have are snippets of visions instead.

I am soft and cozy all hunkered down for a sleep, as I lay there cuddling the teddy I got to keep, the one that you gave me as you went on a trip, I was told just for a little while, but it was much longer. Now I understand why you had to go.

Soon dreams begin to fill my mind as I walk down a dimly lit corridor to where? I don't know, but something is telling me I must go. At the end is a door, my mind feels panicky all out of sorts, I try the handle no such luck as the door is tightly locked. I put my ear to the door with care try to hear what lies on the other side. Screams so loud my heart gives a lunge as the pace starts to quicken. I feel shaken and disturbed, I wish I could see where the screams were coming from. I try the door once more again it won't budge the screaming now becomes even louder. I wish I knew how to open this door, I feel in my pockets for some tool to help, and there in the corner of my upper trousers is a key.

I pull the key from my pocket and examine it. The thing looks very odd and old. I plunk it gingerly into the lock. I am trying not to be anxious but the screams are too much.

Finally I hear a click as the door opens a little, I push it open as it lets out a creak, that sound so loud. Its so dark I can barley see the screaming has stopped and soft sobbing takes it's place, who is making all this fuss, I must find out.

There in the dimly lit room sits a women head in her hands, her hair is matted and messy, her clothes are shabby and all a wreck, she looks up at me, how can this be? It is my own mother looking from where I stand It cant be, I really don't understand...

I awake with a jolt this dream so vivd, lingers in my mind if only for a minute. I put on my robe and go to the window, pull the curtians open to see what a day, the sun is shinning brightly.

I try to grapple with what I did see the thoughts start coming at a alarming rate, filled with nightmarish visions, violence and pain. I cant do this not again!

A little girl was I sitting in the corner to cry. What had I done this time time to make her angry at me. My heart breaking because I loved her so.

I try to apologize through sobs"Mommy I am sorry", the tears rolling like waves in the sea, the wetness all over my face. Silence was all that was given as you hummed so cheerfullyme all was well.

I must let you know that I know you suffered much, I will tell you gently in a letter to you

Dear Mother,

I must confess, at one time I thought you were the best. As time went on and I grew, I learned that mental illness effects me too. I could have made the same decisions, to shout scream and yell. Instead I grew the courage to ask for help that pulled me from my hell, so that I would not repeat those same scenarios. So that my children will not have to one day open a door and see there other mother.

The day I found you on the floor with the pills at your side I was so young and scared, I now know that you did your best I forgive you and all the rest, if only... That's how it must be. Time will only tell

I love you dear mother....