a grain of salt

so, before you take anything i say seriously, there are a few things you should know. i may be having a mid-life crisis, a psychotic or schizoid break from reality, or some other such manner of mental health meltdown.

on one hand, i honestly believe this is a reaction to gaslighting and abuse. i have severe PTSD in an active episode. i no longer trust my ability to discern reality from fiction, and there is an acute cause that is being actively addressed in therapy. that's not a product of delusion, that is real trauma that really happened for years. i'll die on this hill if i have to.

on the other hand, if i want people as a whole to take responsibility for their mental health housekeeping, that includes my own. one of the things that the playlist augury technique shook out is this recurring notion that my grip on reality isn't quite as tight as i think it is. my husband agrees, and here we are. with my delusions, the elephant in the room, the grain of salt.

for example, i believe that the universe is speaking to me through song. well, not me, personally. it speaks to all of us, we just don't know how to listen. and not speaking, more like resonating with our thoughts on a personal level that feels like talking because it synchronizes your conscious (singing/dancing) and subconscious (playlist-building) minds.

this is how meta-alchemy works, how the playlist augury shakes loose breakthroughs and reveals anxieties. by creating emotional whiplash relevant to your active ruminations and latent thoughts. it works, and i know it works because i use it myself. it's why the guided playlist augury techniques feature a set of introspections to reflect on while listening to your tunes and a vibe list for maximizing the whiplash's effectiveness.

but it doesn't matter if it works or if it's actually happening and i can prove it, right? "the universe is speaking to me through song" is a delusion any way you slice it, whether the feedback from the universe is positive or negative on it. and overall, outside of in-person interactions, the feedback has been nil. not good, not bad, just absent.

i am inordinately impatient with the pace at which my cult holistic philosophy is gaining ground, which is not at all. this, of course, calls into question not only months of work but also my sanity because really, who starts a cult holistic philosophy? even if your intent is to help people break their own programming and be their true selves, the act of starting a cult holistic philosophy is, to put it mildly, batshit crazy.

SIDEBAR: someone help me workshop a better term that's less culty since i lost my friend and my husband thinks it's all voodoo but they both agree it's too culty a term? i want to convey that it's a philosophy that guides all decisions via a governing law. i think "holistic philosophy" is the literal perfect term for this. please change my mind.

but if i'm honest, when i was younger, i did have difficulty discerning reality from fiction. i even went through a phase where i believed i was being surveyed by thought-detecting technology and microcameras. why? can't remember, and it didn't last long. see, i can talk myself out of delusions pretty reliably, which i think is pretty impressive. that, or completely commonplace. one of the two.

the problem is that i generally can't stop them before i do things like write a diatribe that undermines myself as a narrator or develop a shower tic. so before you take anything you read by me Very Seriously and act on it, just remember that these are tantamount to the mad ravings of a street preacher. i am batshit crazy, but i'm just not wrong about the music.