Nonfiction
How Things Went From Wonderful to Terrifying.... Content Warning.
The following couple of months were a living nightmare with Wade as if it wasn't already. I immediately started taking steps to end the marriage and going through my counseling which was intense and for C-PTSD at this point and severe current trauma. I was told by my attorney that we would have to give Wade 30 days from the point of filing for divorce before we could force him to leave the house. Unfortunately, I was unable to get that money together right away and it took almost a full month to get the funds from my father finally and trust me I had to hear about using my daddy's money and how not everyone had daddy's money. Wade had said that this time around we would not be sharing an attorney as he wasn't planning on spending any money towards this divorce. He said that if I planned on divorcing him that I would be footing the bill this time. Last time, we had both agreed that divorce is pretty well where we were headed and had somehow been able to come up with an agreed divorce plan and use the same attorney but now that those documents had been dismissed it was up to me. Which ultimately was in my favor little did he understand because even though it would cost more it meant that I drew up the paperwork to match my wants/needs and if he wanted to contest any of it he'd have to fork out the money for his own attorney. I do not think Wade ever truly understood or wanted to understand that this is how it worked as he kept acting as if myself and my attorney were there to suit to his needs/wants as well. Everything that was discussed during these two months with Wade came to me with nothing but mockery, bitterness, anger, he made a large deal and an argument out of absolutely nothing and it seemed no matter what I did to try to calm things down or diffuse the situation Wade was just a fireball waiting to light a fire wherever and however he could. He would mock everything I said with such a distaste for me on his tongue it made me wonder if he ever truly loved me. At first, I would have a sarcastic response because at this point I was over it. I was over him, his abuse and his childish and outlandish attitude and I just frankly didn't give a damn anymore. I figured if I was going to get abused anyway I might as well go down fighting but that made him worse so eventually I stopped and tried to focus on keeping him calm. That didn't help either; it seemed his goal was to ignite and fight. He loved to fight, always had and I supposed he always would. Eventually, I went still and quiet. Did you know if you walk so quietly in your own home only going to and from your bedroom and to the kitchen for food never staying in one room long enough to really be noticed people sometimes forget your even there? Myself and my children suddenly excelled at being wall flowers in our own home. We would come inside from work and school and go straight to our bedrooms. Wade had moved downstairs with his boys at this point so Rayne and myself would stay locked in my bedroom and AJ in his room only occasionally coming to my room to visit myself and his sister. We would eat quick meals that did not require a lot of prep so as to get back to our bedrooms quicker, we would eat in our rooms often times together in one or the others room watching some TV show or a movie and then it was off to sleep behind our locked bedroom doors. I bought a taser and some pepper spray during this time and Wade questioned why that was on my purse? I told him it was because I was Doordashing and as I could tell the implied reasoning I assured him it was not because of him. How silly... "Yeah, that would be ridiculous. How stupid would you have to be to think you'd need that for me?" he'd said. I'd lied...again. I was terrified of him and I didn't know what he'd do one day to the next. This much I did know... he hated me perhaps once loving me in his own way but he hated me now. I had also picked up on a strong dislike for women in general and a sense of him feeling women were somehow beneath him and I didn't want to know what underlying issues such as that could do possibly. I chose to protect myself and my child and not find out if possible. I'd heard the slurs he'd thrown at me either under his breath or to my face, "All women want is money.; Your all money whores.; Washing dishes and the house chores are for you to figure out, you and the kids.; I work ungodly hours which is something you will never understand.; etc." I also caught him one time speaking with NJ downstairs when they had no idea I was upstairs listening and what I heard was Wade telling the child that he hated that I'd ever gotten my job working as a legal secretary because now I was acting as if I was some hot shot and at least when I worked in my uncle's grocery store I knew my place. NJ just agreed with his father as any obedient child would.... and all I could do was back away slowly so they wouldn't notice that I'd ever been there hearing those evil words. Keep me in my place as if I were nothing more than some subservient help staff and not his wife? I was shook by his words. I thought a husband was suppose to want to build up his wife and not tear her down. I thought a husband was suppose to praise her accomplishments and not say that he hated she ever accomplished them. Thankfully, he ended up agreeing eventually to the divorce papers after being demeaning and demanding to not only myself but my attorney's secretary. He honestly didn't have much that he could argue about though and I did that on purpose. I made the divorce paperwork as much to his liking as I could not so much to appease him but to keep him quiet and happy. Also, I'll be honest, in hopes that this would give him an out to just slip away if he so chose to do so. Despite everything, I was still trying so hard to have a relationship of some kind with NJ and LJ and so I was still trying to spend time with them and include them when I could. It was on a trip back home from I believe it was my grandmother's house one day that I was telling AJ and NJ about how I had actually been diagnosed with autism as a child but first I had been diagnosed with ADD and about my journey with that and the different medications that my mother had me try and how difficult that whole process had been for me. I'm not sure why we had started this conversation but I think it was pertaining to bullies at school and people with disabilities or learning limitations and how important it was and is to treat those people nicely and with respect because you never know what they're going through or may have went through. A few days later, in the midst of yet another argument, he asked me suddenly, "I'm not trying to start anything but(he liked to say this before an insult as if it somehow softened the blow to come), do you think all the medications that you were on as kid is what is wrong with you now?" There was also an incident with LJ where there was a stray dog that had followed him home from a bike ride one day and this dog that I had no idea was not in fact a stray but belonged to his friend down the road did not get along with my dog that I had brought home for myself, AJ and Rayne to have as our protector dog. That afternoon when I got home from work I tried to get my dog out of her pen to go inside and when I did the "stray" dog ran inside and started eating her food. She went inside and tried to eat her food and that other dog started to growl. At that point, they both got aggressive towards each other and started to fight, during the midst of it all Rayne got knocked over. I could tell that these two dogs on my property was going to be more than I could handle so I did have an impulse decision and I loaded up said stray in front of LJ so he was aware and I said that I was just going to take said stray down the road a piece far enough away that hopefully it wouldn't come back to our house but maybe be able to find it's home. LJ wasn't happy that I was loading up the dog and taking it off as he claimed my dog was the aggressive one but never the less I told him that the two dogs needed to be separated. I took the dog maybe 3/4 of a mile down the road and when I returned LJ was going on and on about how that dog was his friends dog and where did I dump it and how could I do that? At no point had he mentioned this dog being his friend's beforehand so we fussed back and forth for a minute or two before I told LJ he was being disrespectful and I wasn't listening to this in my home. This created a nightmare situation as LJ quickly then told Wade and Wade starts going off on me. Things were escalating quickly and I could tell it was going to be one of those nights so I told Rayne to quickly grab some toys and get in the car. As I was attempting to leave Wade yelled at me the whole time telling me things such as I better not ever yell at LJ again, how dare I mess with his child and I tried to explain that I was trying to protect Rayne which is also "his child" but he wouldn't listen and kept cussing me and then the cherry on top as I was shutting my door he tells me to never wish him a happy birthday again as this all happened on his birthday and I had sent him a text earlier in the day wishing him well and then, "Your dead to me!!" and my beautiful little girl asks me when I get done crying a few miles down the road, "Mommy, why did daddy say dead?" Well, I was a hypocrite, I was bipolar, I was the worst Christian ever...basically daddy wants me dead. Of course, I didn't tell her that. When we tried to sell the house although he signed the paperwork agreeing to the appointments and he knew that we had 30 days from the signing of the divorce paperwork to sell the house he claimed that I was trying to put him and what was worse two teenage boys out on the street. Although, he had agreed to all the terms and conditions of both the divorce and the selling of the home when it came time for the appointments for people to come see the home he refused to let people inside stating he needed his rest from working nights. Our relator tried to work with both myself and Wade but Wade was not happy no matter the circumstance. We could not have showings in the mornings, we could not show it in the afternoons or the evenings. Finally, the relator called me and stated that since Wade had verbally assaulted another relator and a potential buyer that she wouldn't be able to sell our home until he moved out because it was embarrassing and frankly unsafe. I ended up filing a temporary order of protection against Wade on October 21, 2022 and he was served and moved out on October 25, 2022. I could breath again praise be to God! I felt the air lighten in my home immediately. Before Wade had moved out I felt as if I constantly had an elephant on my chest but now still with some paranoia but with him at least out of the house it only felt as if perhaps a large horse were on my chest instead and with time that lightened too. I started to move the chair from underneath the doorknob at night and just sleep with my taser and pepper spray by my side and eventually, occasionally I would leave the taser and pepper spray out of my bedroom for the night. The order of protection was unfortunately only good for 21 days. We went to court on November 8, 2022 and at that point the Judge found that we could come to an agreement in terms of Rayne by ourselves and stated that we should do our drop off/pick up's of said child at the jail where there are cameras and stay away from each other other than that. I, at that point, wanted the order of protection at least modified to where Wade could have his guns because I mean that was what he was going to school for and I didn't want to completely destroy his life and the Judge agreed to this but what I did not realize was that this would nullify the case altogether. I thought we were simply modifying the order. So, without an order to hold Wade back the abuse continued. I had thrown him and the boys out on the street. He thought I loved the boys but this had shown otherwise. I mean I just assumed he would've went to his mother's house but apparently I had all but thrown them in cardboard boxes on the street. Every time almost that Rayne went to Wade's house after that which he did finally manage to obtain an apartment she would say that Wade would fight and argue with mostly NJ and LJ and that she did not like the yelling. She stated they were always fighting. Wade claimed that I had turned her against him and the boys and I was so evil for doing that. He said that I was the reason that she never wanted to come over because I was spreading lies about him. In fact, I will admit to speaking with adults about him in front of her a time or two but I always tried to keep it light in her presence and when speaking to her directly I would always tell her that her daddy loved her. Daddy is just angry with mommy right now I would say and I would assure her that it had nothing to do with her or NJ, LJ or AJ. Hate and anger is such an ugly and scary thing. On December 2nd, 2022, Wade and NJ cornered me in the Food Giant parking lot as I had come to pick up Rayne after a visit with Wade had not gone well. She had gotten upset about getting hurt while wrestling with LJ and was promptly told by Wade after she started to cry to "stop crying...you are fine!!" to which she cried harder. Wade was never able to handle her tears. He saw them as a waste of time and energy and the same it was to comfort her for more than 30 seconds. It would make her weak he thought. After putting Rayne into my car that night, Wade said "I don't want her to hear this but I'll just get out of y'alls lives so just you can do what you want and I'll just go, that's what you want anyway." I told him that was not what I was saying as we had argued previously over the phone. He claimed that I was feeding her to hate him and I told him that I wanted her to have him in her life but she didn't like his outbursts they scared her. He just said that a lot of people could see what I was doing(I guess he meant his family since by this time I had received hate texts from both his mother and his sister to which I did not respond). I told him if he chose to leave then that would be his choice and he claimed that due to my actions I would be taking him away from her. At this point NJ had pulled up behind Wade and they both started coming at me telling me "Your evil. Your just so evil. Your the most evilest witch ever. How could you do this to Rayne...your such a horrible mother..." I didn't stick around to hear much or to find out what would happen when they both got to me. I got into my vehicle and sped off, noting that there was a policemen that had just parked and thanking God that had things went differently that officer would've been there. After that Wade spoke to us for about another couple of weeks then went MIA for about a month. For Christmas, we got ourselves a new house! It was and is the fresh start that we all needed. Around the time of LJ's birthday in February Rayne had sent him a birthday gift and suddenly, Wade was back in our lives for a time. Rayne also started therapy in late February and by June of this year, 2023 she had learned how to voice her thoughts to Wade. The last we heard from Wade four months ago was in response to her texting him that she didn't like it when he yelled and he said simply and curtly, "Ok Rayne, I'm at work right now and about to start driving so I'll talk to you later. I love you." She was not happy with the response and did not respond back. We have not heard from him since, Rayne is currently working on establishing a relationship with her birth grandmother and her birth father and life is good and peaceful. Wade or the demons within him, I feel learned me well enough that he knew just what strings to pull and just where and how to hurt me the worst and he did just that. He knew all of my weaknesses and all of my past traumas and he used every single one of those to his advantage and to accomplish his goal of dissolving me into a puddle of misery. What he did not count on was the fact that there is a light inside of me and a resilience that will not let me die and I always come back a stronger and better person. Out of the ashes and into a diamond... I do not know if Wade will eventually come back into our lives but as of today we are all still working on our recovery but enjoying not having to live our lives in chaos and constant panic and that is what means the world to me.
By Lindsey Altom2 years ago in Chapters
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How Things Went From Wonderful to Terrifying.... Content Warning.
There is something you should know especially if you are reading this and questioning yourself and your relationship....it wasn't always awful and terrifying with Wade. As a matter of fact, most of the time I thought I was the most blessed girl in the world. I mean we did have quite a lot in common although not quite as much as I had originally been told, he did tell me he loved me and that I was beautiful every day, we also had similar ideas when it came to dates and what was fun as we would ride down the backroads with the windows down, hair blowing in the wind, hands and arms stuck out the window as if we could fly. We would spend hours upon hours talking about our dreams and wants and our goals in life. Wade had a way of making me feel as if I was his whole world and that was all I had ever wanted and those dark times? Well, that was my fault partly right? I mean I was a lot to handle and I knew that. It took a long time for me to realize that the give and take, tug and pull he was giving me was highly toxic and forming a deadly bond. Wade was keeping me sick, sick for him and I couldn't even see it. Even though I more than once begged Wade to just stab me already, I told him if that would make the abuse stop(the verbal, mental and emotional abuse) and it would get his anger out to just do it already! He just gave me a sickly smile as he said he would never do such a thing. I also once told Wade that I felt when I spoke to him that I was walking on eggshells and he turned it around on me by telling me that because I was such an emotional person and cried over most everything he said he felt the same way. Words...they were such fragile tangible things now...much like glass and if I didn't handle it with the utmost care the words would surely slip and cut me. Shortly after we got back together and even dismissed our divorce Wade decided upon the advisement of my pastor and numerous conversations between the both of us that it would be best if he quit his current job as it was a very toxic environment and not conducive to his trying to quit the alcohol/drug addiction he was trying to beat. So, after a very dramatic ending Wade left that job and decided to go to school for something he'd wanted to do for a long time which was gunsmithing. I was fully supportive of this and excited for him to start this new chapter. However, Wade would have to find a way to support us all while he went to school as my job paid most of the bills but not all and certainly could not support a family of 6. This is a conversation that Wade and I would end up having on several different occasions. Wade began to expect me to take care of everything financially and school became his top priority. I would tell him that I didn't have the funds to pay a certain bill or buy groceries and his response would be either, "Don't worry. I'll take care of it." (but that never happened), if brought up more than once it was "Well, what the fudge(to put it nicely) do you expect me to do about it?!" or "There's food in there. Just go look." but there was little more than enough to make a peanut butter sandwich and certainly not enough to feed a family of 6. I once stood in front of Wade in our carport and told him after I'd already had a long day at work, "No, I can't go buy you cigarettes' because I have to use this money to buy supper for us." Suddenly, he leapt from his chair and his anger filled the entirety of the space around us as he yelled and berated me I knew I'd do anything he wanted just to get out of there. I quickly got back into my car and went to get the cigarettes. He told me later that night that what had set him off was that I had told him No and that I should've known better and to word it differently next time. Wade did keep a variety of jobs throughout this time but he job hopped so frequently that I often lost track of what job he was at at that present time. At first, he wanted to be a security guard but then that ended because his truck started having mechanical issues and instead of trying to find a solution he quit the job, then it was a variety of gas station jobs and perhaps a couple of other things mixed in too. All of these jobs were fine but Wade found a reason to quit every single one of them and every time without a two week notice which would leave us without a paycheck from him for weeks at a time. He put us all in a very tight predicament financially and expected me to pick up the slack. This was very triggering for me as my ex husband had done the same thing to me at one point and although I tried to explain this to Wade and make a better financial game plan he just seemed indifferent and honestly seemed to care less. I even offered to get a 2nd job to help get us through "these hard times". I put it as non judgmental as possible and I was greeted with a "No woman of mine will have 2 darn jobs!" At that point, I started Doordashing and using the Uber app to make some money despite what Wade said so we could eat supper and so I could get gas money to go back and forth to work. If I could feed all of the children then I did but if I couldn't then I just fed myself and my two birth children. I wanted to be able to feed all 4 children but I often times couldn't afford it. Wade started to pull away and it began to be clear that the beginning of the end had started. The abuse picked up....My son was in band at that point and had started marching band and it was football season so often times myself and Aliza would wait in various places in town if Doordash wasn't busy for hours just sitting in the car because we were both too scared to go home. I would wait until I could pick my son up then we would go home. I would tell the children to lock their bedroom doors. When we had come back from my father's my son's bedroom had been ransacked and things had been stolen. It had been blamed on one of LJ's friends and later LJ took responsibility but he wasn't punished because "he was just getting his anger out". He had also destroyed a picture of myself and my two best friends "sisters" from our vacation earlier that year by ripping my face out of the picture. It was one of those old timey pictures you get dressed up for and cost an arm and a leg. Again, he was "just angry." I can't tell you how many nights I had to tell Aliza to grab some toys really fast so we could go because I knew Wade was about to explode and I didn't want to be around or for her to be around for it. Eventually, I hit my breaking point. On the night of September 1, 2022 Wade was raging about how I'd pushed and pushed and pushed, how I just wouldn't quit and now I get this side of him. How I've made this side of him come out because I decided I wanted this to happen...all whilst he was slamming things and shaking furniture in our bedroom. I was sitting on our bed petrified but this time I thought, "I'm recording this, at least the sound, so others can hear it and I can know for sure I'm not crazy and I can know that this is for sure abuse." So, quietly, meekly, I slipped my phone under the covers and pressed record. In total, I got 9 minutes of verbal, emotional and mental abuse recorded that night. At that point, LJ had moved back in with his mother and Wade blamed me. He had me read a text that was from NJ that said that he too was wanting to move out. Wade explained that he wasn't letting me read this to "start anything" but then proceeded to tell me that I had already pushed one of his children out and was about to push another. He then told me that he was going to tell me what I was, that I was "bipolar as fudge, today happy and cool and the next day your sarcastic and being an butthole, your sarcastic, your demeaning, your condescending, you are the worst of the worst, you are like my mom for God's sakes...make me think you love me then you play head games with everyone of us...." He constantly said that I didn't give NJ and LJ enough attention and love even though I tried so hard to be there for them. I probably was grouchy sometimes because the boys after a time never gave me any respect. They broke anything nice that I ever brought into the house, they argued with me constantly and Wade never once backed me up.
By Lindsey Altom2 years ago in Chapters
The Black & White World of 1938
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By Shirley Belk2 years ago in Chapters
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