The Good-ish Person: Letting Go of Perfection to Embrace Growth

Chapter 1: A Chance Encounter

Not long ago, a close friend of mine found herself in a taxi on her way to the airport. It was a routine ride, the kind you hardly think twice about. Yet this particular trip stayed with her for a long time. While chatting with the driver, he paused and said something unexpected: “You seem like a genuinely good person.”

When she later shared this moment with me, her face lit up as she described how deeply those words resonated with her. It wasn’t just a compliment; it felt like a validation of her character from a complete stranger.

Why did this simple statement have such an impact? For many of us, being perceived as good isn’t just a nice bonus—it’s a central part of our identity. We want to be good people, and we want others to see us that way, too. But what does it actually mean to be good?

Chapter 2: The Weight of Moral Identity

The idea of being a "good person" is deeply personal, and yet it’s universal. Everyone has their own definition of goodness, shaped by culture, upbringing, and personal experiences. For some, it might mean being generous and kind; for others, it might involve adhering to religious or ethical principles.

Regardless of how we define it, our moral identity plays a huge role in how we see ourselves. This is why, when it’s called into question—whether through a critique of our actions or an unintentional misstep—we often react defensively.

Imagine someone pointing out that a joke you made was inappropriate, or that a decision you took at work had unintended consequences. Your first instinct might be to explain why your actions weren’t wrong, or to highlight the ways you’ve been thoughtful or altruistic in the past. This defensiveness is natural—it’s a way of protecting the identity we value so much.

But what if our attachment to being a “good person” is actually holding us back?

Chapter 3: The Trap of Perfection

In striving to be good, many of us fall into the trap of perfectionism. We see morality as binary: you’re either good, or you’re not. There’s no middle ground. This mindset can lead to rigid, often unattainable standards of what it means to be moral.

Think about it: if you were learning to play the piano, would you expect to master it without making mistakes? Of course not. You’d practice, stumble, and gradually improve over time. Yet when it comes to morality, we often don’t allow ourselves the same grace.

This rigidity can be counterproductive. By clinging to the idea of being a perfect “good person,” we close ourselves off to feedback and growth. Instead of reflecting on our mistakes, we focus on justifying them.

Chapter 4: The Science of Good-ish

To understand why we behave this way, we need to look at how our brains work. Our minds are constantly processing vast amounts of information—around 11 million pieces per second, to be exact. But our conscious mind can handle only about 40 pieces at a time. This limitation, known as bounded rationality, explains why we sometimes miss obvious details or make snap judgments.

When it comes to morality, these mental shortcuts can lead to what researchers call bounded ethicality. This concept refers to the unconscious biases and blind spots that influence our ethical decision-making.

For instance, studies show that many people hold implicit biases—automatic associations that don’t align with their conscious beliefs. In one experiment, most white Americans were found to more easily associate positive traits with white faces than Black faces, even if they consciously rejected racism. Similarly, both men and women tend to link men with science more readily than women, reflecting deeply ingrained societal stereotypes.

These biases don’t make someone a bad person—they’re a result of the brain’s reliance on mental shortcuts. But they do highlight the importance of self-awareness and the willingness to challenge our assumptions.

Chapter 5: Facing Mistakes

Even when we value morality, we all make mistakes. What matters is how we respond to them. Unfortunately, our instinct is often to protect our self-image rather than confront our shortcomings.

I’ve experienced this firsthand. Once, in a class I was teaching, a student pointed out that a reading I’d assigned contained sexist language. I was embarrassed—it was a text I’d used for years without noticing the problem. On another occasion, I repeatedly confused two students of the same race, even though they looked nothing alike.

Both incidents made me uncomfortable, and my initial reaction was defensiveness. I wanted to explain why these mistakes didn’t reflect who I was as a person. But in doing so, I missed an opportunity to learn and grow.

Chapter 6: The Danger of All-or-Nothing Thinking

Our attachment to being seen as good can lead us to overestimate the role of our moral compass in guiding our actions. We like to think of ourselves as rational, deliberate decision-makers, but the reality is more complicated.

Research suggests that our self-perception often has a stronger influence on our behavior than we realize. For example, even small conflicts of interest—like receiving a free pen—can subtly sway our decisions, despite our best intentions to remain objective.

This doesn’t mean we’re doomed to moral failure. It simply means we need to recognize our limitations and adopt a more flexible mindset.

Chapter 7: From Good to Good-ish

What if we let go of the need to be perfect and instead embraced the idea of being “good-ish”? This term, coined by behavioral ethicist Dolly Chugh, captures the idea of striving for moral growth rather than moral perfection.

Being “good-ish” means acknowledging that we’re all works in progress. It means accepting that we’ll make mistakes, but committing to learn from them. It’s about focusing on growth rather than defensiveness, and on effort rather than outcomes.

Imagine if we approached morality the way we approach other areas of life. When learning a new skill, we don’t expect to get everything right the first time. Instead, we practice, seek feedback, and gradually improve. Why shouldn’t the same principle apply to our moral development?

Chapter 8: The Path Forward

Embracing a “good-ish” mindset requires a shift in how we think about morality. Instead of seeing it as a fixed quality, we can view it as a skill—something that can be developed and refined over time.

This doesn’t mean abandoning our values or lowering our standards. On the contrary, it means holding ourselves accountable in a way that encourages growth. It means being open to feedback, even when it’s uncomfortable, and using it as an opportunity to improve.

Being “good-ish” also means recognizing the role of context in shaping our behavior. Our actions are influenced by a complex web of factors, from unconscious biases to social norms. By becoming more aware of these influences, we can make more intentional, ethical choices.

Chapter 9: A More Compassionate Perspective

Finally, adopting a “good-ish” mindset allows us to extend compassion—not just to ourselves, but to others. When we stop expecting perfection, we create space for understanding and forgiveness.

This doesn’t mean excusing harmful behavior, but it does mean recognizing that everyone is capable of change. By focusing on growth rather than judgment, we can help others become better, too.

Conclusion: The Journey to Good-ish

Being a good person isn’t about never making mistakes. It’s about how we respond to them. By letting go of perfection and embracing the idea of being “good-ish,” we can become more honest, compassionate, and open to growth.

The next time someone points out a flaw or a mistake, try to see it not as a challenge to your identity, but as an opportunity to learn. After all, the goal isn’t to be perfect—it’s to keep getting better.