A fulfilling life

What factors contribute to our health and happiness as we navigate through life? If you were to invest in becoming your ideal self, where would you direct your time and energy? A recent survey of millennials revealed that over 80 percent identified becoming wealthy as a key life goal, while around 50 percent also aspired to achieve fame. We are constantly encouraged to work harder and reach for more, leading us to believe that these pursuits are essential for a fulfilling life. However, gaining comprehensive insights into people's choices and their outcomes is challenging. Much of what we understand about life stems from asking people to recall their past, but memory can be unreliable and selective. Imagine if we could observe entire lives as they evolve over time. What if we could study individuals from their teenage years into old age to discover what truly promotes happiness and health? The Harvard Study of Adult Development aims to do just that. For 75 years, this extensive study has followed the lives of 724 men, gathering information about their careers, personal lives, and health, all while remaining unaware of their eventual life paths. Such long-term studies are uncommon, as many collapse due to participant drop-out, funding issues, or researcher turnover. Yet, through a combination of dedication and fortunate circumstances, this research has persisted. Currently, about 60 of the original participants are still alive and involved, mostly in their 90s, and we have started studying over 2,000 of their children. I am the fourth director of this ongoing study, which began in 1938 with two distinct groups. The first consisted of Harvard sophomores who completed their education during World War II, many serving in the military afterward. The second group comprised boys from Boston's lowest-income neighborhoods, selected for their backgrounds in some of the most disadvantaged families from that era. These teenagers underwent interviews and medical examinations, and we consulted their parents to gather comprehensive data. As they matured, they pursued various careers, becoming factory workers, lawyers, doctors, and even a U.S. President. Some faced challenges like alcoholism or mental health issues, while others rose or fell within the social hierarchy. The study's founders could never have predicted that I would be here 75 years later, announcing its ongoing progress. Every two years, our dedicated research team reaches out to these men for additional insights into their lives. Some from the inner-city Boston group question why we continue to study them, thinking their lives are unremarkable. Conversely, the Harvard participants do not voice such concerns. To gather the most accurate picture of their experiences, we conduct in-depth interviews in their homes, obtain their medical history, collect blood samples, and utilize brain scans.

It’s possible to feel lonely even when surrounded by people, including in a marriage. The second key lesson we've learned is that the number of friends or being in a committed relationship doesn’t matter as much as the quality of your close relationships. Living in a high-conflict environment, especially in a marriage lacking affection, can harm our health, potentially more than divorce itself. In contrast, having warm, supportive relationships can protect us. After tracking the lives of our participants into their 80s, we examined data from midlife to predict who would age happily and healthily. Surprisingly, it wasn't their cholesterol levels that mattered, but their satisfaction in relationships. Those who felt content in their relationships at age 50 tended to be healthier at age 80. Strong bonds seem to cushion us against the challenges of aging. Our happiest participants reported that even on days when they experienced physical pain, their mood remained positive. However, those in unhappy relationships felt their physical pain intensified by emotional distress.

We also discovered that good relationships benefit our brains. People in secure, supportive relationships in their 80s tend to have sharper memories. In contrast, those who lack trust in their relationships often experience memory decline earlier. Interestingly, relationships don’t need to be conflict-free. Some couples in their 80s bicker regularly, but as long as they can rely on each other during tough times, those arguments don't impact their memories.

This timeless truth—that healthy relationships are vital for our well-being—is challenging to grasp and easy to overlook. As humans, we often seek quick fixes for a better life. However, relationships are complicated and require ongoing effort; nurturing connections with family and friends is not always exciting or glamorous. Our research spanning 75 years shows that the happiest retirees actively sought to replace work acquaintances with new friends. Initially, many participants, like today’s young adults, believed that seeking fame, wealth, and achievement was the path to a good life. Yet, those who thrived were the ones who prioritized relationships with family, friends, and their community.

Whether you’re 25, 40, or 60, the idea of prioritizing relationships can take on many different forms, depending on your stage in life and the people who matter most to you. For some, it might mean consciously reducing the amount of time spent on screens, such as watching TV or scrolling through social media, and instead using that time to connect more deeply with friends, family, or even coworkers. This could involve scheduling regular meetups, having meaningful conversations, or simply being present and attentive when you’re with others.

For others, prioritizing relationships might involve rejuvenating a relationship that has become routine or stagnant. This could be done by introducing new activities or experiences that both parties can enjoy together, such as taking up a new hobby, traveling, or even just trying out a new restaurant. These shared experiences can breathe new life into the relationship and help to strengthen the bond.

Additionally, some may find that prioritizing relationships involves mending old wounds and reaching out to family members or friends with whom they’ve lost touch. Unresolved disputes and lingering resentment can weigh heavily on the heart and mind, often more than we realize. Making the effort to reconnect and address these issues can not only heal old rifts but also bring a sense of peace and closure that allows both parties to move forward with a lighter, more open heart.

Ultimately, the ways in which we choose to prioritize relationships are as varied as the relationships themselves, and each step taken toward nurturing these connections can have a profound impact on our overall happiness and well-being.