Folk, Love and Hope

The soundtrack of my year started off with the song Alaska by Caiola , an indie-folk singer. I had a new relationship starting to grow, but my fear of commitment to something more was creeping in. One of the lyrics is about resisting the urge to add another affirmation to the list on his lover's wall. Because that meant adding to their life and he asks if they were leaving or just coming home. I resonated with that greatly since I was always asking myself if I was coming or going. Whether I was going to finally stay this time, and had I found my home. He sings about being terrified to let the relationship mature, and wonders if they even should. That became a reoccurring line in my life, and in everything I did. I used to tell myself I was doing the right thing by leaving by hoping to spare them the pain of staying. I wondered if I was worthy of adding another line to their life. Always afraid that I might want to stay for once so I resisted.

This song helped me heal inside and allowed me to understand I was making a selfish decision. I came to accept the choices I made, and I often think of the quote about leaving a train early. The longer you stay on that train the more expensive it will become and I took that to heart in my relationships. I left before things went too far, yet I know I still caused pain regardless.

The next phase of my year was the song Mattering Ram by Penny and Sparrow. The song talks about the many things in life in their simplicity and complexity. Do they matter or not? I learned to ask myself does it even matter when it came to making certain choices. For someone who experiences periods of apathy this song woke me up from my cognitive dissonance. I started to remember the things that matter to me. My work matters to me, my friends and loved one's matter to me, traveling matters to me and so does writing. You know what didn't matter? The small frustrating moments I experienced at work, or traveling. The silly inconsequential moments of my life mattered because they were proof, I lived my life the way I wanted. My stories started to matter again, and above all love mattered despite my failed relationships. With that mindset I began to feel whole again and brush off the things that didn't matter. For the first time in my life, I got to choose what mattered and how I could react. That meant cherishing the moments I spent with friends, family and traveling more than I used to. I took steps to stop disassociating from my life in order to live in the present.

Next up is Forever by Noah Kahan one of my favorite singers out there. This song is beautiful and I find myself in this song. It's about love, and holding on. One of the lyrics is about breaking a bone in his hand that never healed and I did that when I was drunk. The bone never quite healed right in my hand, but I’ll never let go. This year I found the woman I want to build the rest of my life with and I won’t let go. I want the forever that he sings about and I am willing to build that future. I want a love that lasts forever, but don’t we all?

This year I traveled more than ever and took a job across the US. The song Open Arms (Hallelujah) by Gavn! was my anthem every time I hopped on an airplane or train. The song is about growing as a person even while far away from home. Healing is hard, and even harder in an uncomfortable place. I found myself becoming comfortable in the uncertainty of life. Healing in the spaces I was given and not the ones I had to fight for. I had to stand up for myself, and choose to protect my own peace. Though I didn’t do it alone of course, because (hallelujah) my higher power was there every step of my journey. I spent this year learning to trust the process and cherish the journey rather than just reaching my destination. I worked on the parts of me that were still resentful from grief and loss. This song also tackles the hard reality of grief as he lost his father, and his friends. Regardless of how life turned out we chose not to fall into despair. Instead, we found healing by working through the uncomfortable parts of life. I am grateful for this song for all those reasons.

My last song would be Pink Skies by Zach Bryan. This song deals with the emotions of grief and cleaning out the house of a loved one who passed away. We all know the pain doesn't end there and every memory comes alive in the house we grew up in. It is a beautiful tribute to his loved ones. I lost my grandma last year very close to the new year and it only reminded me of my others losses. Writing this in December is especially hard because the winter months seem to harden my grief. Maybe it’s the loneliness and time off that allow the memories to come flooding back. I hate the feeling of boxing up their things and cleaning up as if they were never there. Every memory is etched into those very walls and you can smell their scent on their clothes still. It’s hard to believe they are gone.

Those are the soundtrack to my year, and all of the love, grief, and everything in-between. This year was one of the hardest for me in terms of growing. I hit the big thirty years old and felt it in all aspects of my life. Whether it was the grief of a loved one or the grief of growing up. Realizing I am not as nimble as I used to be and how I worked my body ragged. I gained a lot in my professional life, but felt the losses in my personal life. I saw even more of the world, but I felt the longing for home with every trip.