The institution

Letters to God:

Since November 10, 2009, my fourteenth year of life, I've sat and wondered why. I have questioned my existence, my faith, every choice I made that led up to this one specific moment in my life and I've never felt like I could find an answer.

As I sit here and type this now, thirty years old, I realize I am not what I describe myself to be. I am not a shell of who I used to be. I am exactly who I am, who God made me. I'm Ashley Maria Munoz, part Rogus, 'Rocky's kid', 'Henrietta's grandkid.'

I have tried for years to find a place to belong to, a place to be part of, and deep down it's been here all along. I am no victim but I am a person- a child who was wronged, assaulted, misguided, mistreated and neglected.

By my parents, no, but the system that was made to protect us, treat us, heal us and help us go forward. i've made several calls this morning which were all returned with an endless number of questions, concerns.

"We take accusations like this seriously."

Then why wasn't it addressed then? Why, when a nurse came to talk to me about what had happened, did this not get settled there? Where was my apology, I didn't need a fucking bear. I feel now more than ever that God has a hold of my heart, my spirit, and this story I have, on the cusp of revealing it.

"Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy."-Proverbs 31:8-9

"Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them."- Ephesians 5:11

"Woe to those who call evil good and good evil, who put darkness for light and light for darkness."- Isaiah 5:20

"You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden." Matthew 5:14

"The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble." -Psalm 9:9

"Learn to do right; seek justice. Defend the oppressed." -Isaiah 1:17

"If it is possible, let this cup pass from me. Yet not my will, but yours be done." - Matthew 26:39

What honors my soul and others the most? Have I become the sheep that is being chased after? I have to be honest with you guys, I haven't read the bible front to back like my father. I've never been to catechism classes like my mother.

I've sat in the pews of St. Leo's listening to the pastor talk, getting lost in his stories.

I've always sat and listened to everyone speak, learning from the overhead screens as Pastor Loren reads his work, or when Pastor Rich enthusiastically gets lost in a quote.

My curiousity gets the best of me at times and I lose myself in diving down stories and quotes, things that could help me in my situation, in the here and now.

We want so badly to have answers for everything, at the snap of our fingers, like when Jim Carrey turned on his computer in "Bruce Almighty" and answered yes to all the incoming prayers, remember how many people won the lottery?

It's taken me a very long time to figure out what i needed to do, how I needed to do it and with this job that was God given, the trip that had my father gone for a week, coming back to me to say "What about this? Have you researched the effects on that? Have you checked your documentation?" has opened up a part of me where I feel like I'm watching the sunrise, or set.

I can't tell.

It's beautiful though. I'm at the top of this mountain and i'm overlooking everything that's happened, all that's been done to me and now I think I understand everything. What has been shrouded in darkness for so long is being brought to light and God has had his hand in it every step of the way.

"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."- John 8:32

I was desperate this morning. I was looking for help, something to validate my claims of trauma, a letter, a record, anything I could get my hands on. For now the hospital will remain nameless but I'm not afraid anymore to say what happened.

A mass of tissue was growing in my body weighing about 1354.8 (honestly, lost the abbreviation for what it was, but those were definitely the numbers.) and measuring up to 19x 18.5 x 8 cm. For those of you who are wondering, it 'popped out' to say hello during a punishment of mine.

I've always been a messy, chaotic kid and one weekend it just happened to be too much for my parents and I was punished by cleaning my room not with my mother, no, my father.

(This is the part where the imperial march plays.)

A freshman in highschool, fourteen years old, already looking for ways to get out of school wasn't really tolerated well when she said that something didn't feel right and still had to get up and go.

It's funny because the friends I hung around with, who are all grown and incredible people now, were shushing me and smacking my hands every time I said

"I know what it is. I know I have cancer."

It wasn't until Tuesday that I was seen.

Told to rush to the ER where words verbatim from my doctor to my mother were given to the attending staff "It's protruding out of her stomach."

What happened next I thought was normal, I thought I wasn't able to deny it even though I tried. I asked for anxiety medication, to be sedated, or any other way this procedure could be done. If I could get scans instead, an ultrasound.

The medical person in charge stepped out of the room and 'let the women' handle it.

I was not only berated, denied access to medication, to sedation, but with no other explanation and no other option, my mother had throw her body across mine while this person forced my legs open. It's natural, right? You're a woman, you should get used to it. You have to go through it either way. It's fine, you'll be fine. My mother held me close and tried to block my view, cupping my face, whispering "It'll be over soon."

The medical person who had comitted this atrocity against me screamed throughout the procedure (remember how big this mass was, what they were forcing into my body, forcing me to endure) "Grow up AND ACT YOUR AGE."

I was fourteen.

She threatened me with orderlies, restraints, told me that they would be in here for the whole procedure if I didn't start behaving. Throughout this time my father was walking into the parking lot, holding one ear each of my brother and sister, pushing them into his side as they listened to me screaming "No, no, no, stop!"

When all was done and over, the man in charge and the woman came back at my side, laughing and joking "Guess we're not gonna do that one again."

As I was being transferred to another bed, moved up to the floor where i would be waiting for surgery, I took one last look at the room I was assaulted in, the sheets covered in my blood, the only sign I was there.

I've been going through records and documents, looking for evidence that not only supported my claim but would give merit to my diagnosis. Complex trauma, from what? Apparently it doesn't exist! I don't know where Professor Lee but I am so thankful for her teachings "If it's not charted, it didn't happen."

So, not only at this institution was I assaulted, but the documentation between a minor and the provider was non existent. The only thing I saw in my files remotely resembling documentation of the incident was a diagram of the female body, marks and observations, notes that they've made. And on one tiny part: "pt was hysterical, emotional"

So the only ones that know this happened are the people who did it, my mother and I, and now the people who are investigating.

The things this could've changed if it was done properly. The claims that I made that would've been taken seriously wouldn't have been dismissed so easily. I have confirmed with them that yes, it was against my will, I didn't want it, I was assaulted, and when every other possible procedure that could've been done, that should've been done before that was denied, I screamed 'No' repeatedly, I didn't want it.

They caused me pain, traumatic moments that bother me to this day. I haven't been able to get it out of my head, I haven't been able to speak to anyone about it, but today I took a stand and I finally made my claim against them.

"I will restore to you the years that the locusts have eaten." - Joel 2:25

"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is not being done- the saving of many lives." - Genesis 50:20

Medical neglect is real, Medical abuse is real, Medical assault IS REAL and it happens every day. Know your rights. Know who's taking care of you. Know that you're in the right place.

Mom, dad, thank you for giving me the courage and the strength to speak up. Michelle, Ricky, thank you for always being there. Aunt Carol, thank you for being my best friend then, coming to paint my toes, spend time with me.

I leave you with this post and the note that God is Good. God is there even in the darkest of times, when you can't feel him, he's there, he sees, he knows and he'll be there when you're ready to talk about it.

#clevelandohio #MedicalAbuse #MedicalHarm #donoharm #iwasachild #MedicalAssault