How to Survive the Apocalypse

HAS THE APOCALYPSE HAPPENED?

ARE YOU WONDERING WHAT TO DO NOW?

ARE YOU THE SOLE SURVIVING PERSON OF YOUR FAMILY AND DON'T KNOW WHY YOU SURVIVED?

Then I probably can't help you, I'm afraid. Still, if you're one of those "hopeful types," I can sure hand you some advice that may or may not be useful.

STEP ONE - ACCEPTING THE INEVITABLE

It's important to understand the situation you're in. Denial of the present won't get you far. A catastrophic disaster has occurred and you were spared, for some cosmic, unknowable reason. But I'm afraid it wasn't destined by God or whatever, you just got extremely lucky. And now you're one of the last vestiges of human life on Earth.

Caution: Accepting the inevitable might lead one to conclude that life is meaningless and may lead to the purposeful taking of one's life.

STEP TWO - WHERE TO GO?

If your apocalypse is nuclear in nature, the obvious choice is a bunker or a basement with fortified walls. The only true protection against radiation is many layers of solid material between you and the radioactive particles. If you were smart before this happened, you might have created a fallout bunker full of necessities should this disaster occur in the future.

If your apocalypse is of the viral plague type, obviously don't hang around the corpses of infected people. If zombies are gaining up on you, find some high ground. Though if those zombies can climb, kiss your ass goodbye and say hey to Peter at the pearly gates for me.

STEP THREE - FINDING OTHER SURVIVORS

This is the trickier part of surviving a global disaster -- finding survivors who won't open fire first and ask questions later. Assuming you're the type who values human life and would hesitate upon finding signs of other living people, you will offer your expertise and a group of survivors will build a fortress in the apocalyptic wastes. However, if you're the type to shoot a person for their tennis shoes or bounty of nonperishable food items, you probably won't last very long.

STEP FOUR - SCAVENGING

As your community grows stronger, you might send scouts out to scavenge the lands for supplies. Obviously, in a nuclear war scenario, this is most unwise for the first 10 years. However, in a viral plague scenario, as long as you are probably protected with PPE and defensive weapons, you should be able to scavenge without issue. Just be wary of buildings with crumbling or nonexistent foundations and supportive structures.

STEP FIVE - REPOPULATING

There are priorities in establishing a post-apocalyptic society. The first should be basic survival needs: food, shelter, and clean water. But now that your communities are settled, it's time to consider the vital step of recreating civilization: repopulating. While the process itself might be loads of fun, babies and children are far needier than the average person, so be sure enough resources can be spared for your little ones.

STEP SIX - IF THE WORST HAPPENS

The community gets attacked by raiders...another flurry of bombs land to take out survivors...the colony is becoming too inbred to salvage its genetic pool...it might be time to enact a merciful purge of all parties. After all, if the new world is just gonna adopt old ways to kill each other, what's the point of living?

I hope you enjoyed this informational poster. Please take this advice to heart, though I hope you never have to use it. Let us all hope for a peaceful resolution to our difficulties so that we can continue to enjoy the wonders of modern technology. Because God knows, the human race hates inconvenience.