The Crush Of Dreams

The weight of daydreams

Crushes like stone, I’m not ready

For this crucible

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This is what I first felt when I finally finished a project I’d been working on for some time, a screenplay, and then sent it off, screaming into the void where it promptly disappeared. A completely expected outcome. Of course, this is how it would go. Logically, I know that completing the work is just the beginning of working to get it seen, read, and, god-willing, purchased. But oh, how the land of imagination connects two faraway points so neatly.

Perhaps it's just that I've been around little people who get their way too often and too quickly. It can give one a rather spoiled outlook on how the world works. Couple that with the ticking clock of age, feeling the gears slowly winding down, and the idea of waiting becomes excruciating. Where is a miracle when you need one?!

When I first completed my script, I had it edited by my amazing wife. She is honest, insightful, and provided some great ideas to improve what I had done. She also loves me. So I emailed former professors to see if they might be willing to give me feedback, as well. I also emailed current teachers at my old Alma Mater to see if they might be willing to lend some of their time, for comensurate remuneration, of course. I received only one response. A lovely note from an old professor detailing why he could not aid me. It felt amazing just to get a response.

Later, I composed my query emails and sent them floating like a message in a dozen bottles. I received one response, as formulaic as it was sweet and encouraging. I responded with the requisite submission form, a copy of my script, and then…nothing. The formulaic email noted that they receive a lot of submissions and, if they don’t like the script, they just won’t respond. So I got my answer, and it was nothing.

In my head, this is normal. In my head, this is how it goes. In my daydreams, I sailed a golden sea of possibilities that would transform my life. Then I crashed onto the shores of reality.

I’m not done. The journey has barely begun with this script. I’m still working on it. I submitted it to the BlueCat competition, which comes with a one-page analysis. The reader I got gave me some wonderfully encouraging comments, and notes that I think have made the script better as a whole. Now I’m going to try hosting it on Blcklst.com, depending on what scores I get from their readers. It may just be a waste of money, but as someone who doesn’t live in L.A., it’s the closest thing I can get to networking.

While I do all that, I’m working on my next script and the one after that, which has led me to take a rather lengthy break from posting and reading on Vocal. Recently, I noticed an unhealthy need for Top Story recognition. It wasn't like my work had been shut out, not at all, but something in me had shifted. An expectation. I know we all want attention for our work, some kind of accolades, but this feeling was...off.

I have loved being on this site, being inspired by the works of such amazing writers. You all have helped me come so much closer to finding my own voice.

But life is demanding, and time is finite. What we give our love and attention to ebbs and flows, but time just sails on. Family must always come first, work is an unfortunate second, and my creative endeavors must be satisfied with their participation trophy.

I have hope that I will find a new balance, leading me back into these waters. Maybe now that I’ve written this out, whatever dam I placed on myself will break. Until then, I’m just glad to know you all are out there and look forward to losing myself once again in your imaginations, finding that giddy joy that comes from a well-crafted metaphor or surprising turn of phrase.

Until then….