Postnatal Depression and alternative therapies.

We all know that motherhood comes with its difficulties, the sleepless nights, the overwhelming responsibilities, and the pressure to make it look like we are coping well. What’s rarely spoken about is how much of a toll it can take on the mother's mental health and well-being. A year ago this month I was diagnosed with Postnatal Depression. I had no idea that this was what I was experiencing at the time until I googled my symptoms on the internet. It took me weeks before I was able to pluck up the courage to go to my GP to talk about it. I remember having overwhelming anxiety about admitting how I had been thinking and feeling. I thought to myself, they are going to take my son away from me if I tell them what's going through my head. I felt like a failure at the time and embarrassed to tell anyone. To this day, it is still quite a challenging subject for me to discuss, however, I am aware of how valuable it can be to share our experiences with others. After all, I was searching for other women who had or were experiencing the same thing as me so that I didn’t feel so alone. After speaking with other mums, I soon realised that a lot of what I was thinking and feeling was very common.

March 2024, I remember the week clearly. I was getting very little sleep and 3 months prior I had moved out of my son’s father's home. I was trying to find my way whilst simultaneously being as strong as possible for my little boy. Yet, in reality, I was spiraling out of control and had zero time to stand still to register my emotions. Until one day, I started having extremely intrusive thoughts. I started thinking that my son would be better off without me. I suddenly felt this crushing pressure and overwhelming responsibility for his life. It wasn’t about the responsibility I had for him there in that moment, it was the anxiety that came with the uncertainty of his future. I was so focused on the fact that every little one of my actions could have a huge impact on my son’s future. All I could think about was that I was going to ruin his life, and that thought was too much of a burden to bear. I had become so hyper-focused on my childhood and all the things that had shaped me as the human being I am today, that I became fixated on every single action in my present moment. I was scared that I would scar my little boy for life and everything that I was doing never felt like it was enough. I remember thinking about turning up at my mum's house and leaving my son with her, finding an excuse to leave and never returning. It made complete sense in my head at the time and through fighting tears, whilst my son smiled at me, I couldn’t seem to shake those negative thoughts.

I’ve always been a logical woman. I tend to listen to my head over my heart on many occasions, which has caused me to make some difficult mistakes in my life. However, we live and learn, and this is part of life and the process of life lessons. Yet, this was a perfect example of needing to listen to my heart because the thoughts that I was experiencing weren't from a place of logic, they were actually from a place of love. Love and protection, in wanting the best for my son.

I remember the exact night that I knew I needed to talk to someone about how I was feeling. I’d had a conversation with my mum before the PND hit me like a ton of bricks. I told her that whenever I'm flicking through the channels and see ‘8 out of 10 cats does countdown’, I purposely watch it because it’s one of those shows that always guarantees to make me laugh no matter what mood I’m in. This particular night, however, when the thoughts felt their loudest, I found myself flicking through the channels after getting my son to sleep. ‘8 out of 10 cats does countdown’, was on. I cried throughout the entire first half of it and that’s when I knew something was seriously wrong. So I grabbed my phone and immediately called my sister. I remember her answering and I just started to cry down the phone. I told her I couldn’t do this anymore and I needed help. She told me she would be with me in 10 minutes, and she was. She sat down and listened to me, and she made sure I knew that I was an amazing mum. We discussed the first steps of me accessing professional help and that I had her full support with it.

I made an appointment with my GP the very next day and I had my son with me whilst I attended my appointment. I remember being in the room trying to hold it together whilst speaking to her, but ultimately I broke down into tears. “I think I have Postnatal depression,” I said. I explained to her the things that I had been thinking and she confirmed my diagnosis. We discussed medication, which I initially agreed to. However, upon further reflection, I made an individual decision not to take it. I knew that the medication had helped other mums with PND, I was not disputing that, but for me, it just wasn't the answer. I’d grown up seeing my mum on a multitude of medications and how it had negatively impacted her. In addition, I was still breastfeeding at the time and was scared of taking anything that could have been passed on to my milk. It was these 2 things in particular that drove me to find alternative routes for managing my PND.

The first thing I did was make an appointment to have Reiki. I’d always wanted to try Reiki and there was no better time than the present. Since giving birth I felt like everything inside me felt so misaligned. My energy was off, my body felt weak and my soul fractured. I can’t even begin to explain the difference that came following my reiki session. Gongs were also used in the session and I remember releasing so much heaviness and crying when she had her hands near my head. I let go of so much pain and emotions during that session and as the week continued I proceeded to feel lighter and the intrusive thoughts reduced dramatically. I appreciate that alternative therapies are open to interpretation, yet for me, it was one piece of the puzzle that had been missing. To my amazement, my milk flow had even improved, which further reaffirmed the amount of blocked energy present within my body.

The second thing that helped my PND symptoms was becoming more familiar with my hormones. I found that when I was coming up to my menstruation I was having overwhelming feelings of anger. I was struggling to control my feelings and noticed the pattern of it always happening at the same time of the month. I spoke to a friend who recommended a herbal supplement called ‘Macca Root.’ I decided to try it and the fact that it was a natural supplement put my mind at ease. To my surprise, within a month it had started to work. It reduced my anger significantly, my hormones felt much more balanced and I felt increasingly in control of my emotions.

The third thing I did was focus on self-care and mindfulness. I started to journal my thoughts daily so that I could be present in the moment and reflect on how I was feeling day to day. I used guided meditation and breathwork to calm my inner voice and anxieties. Other things that helped me were not being afraid to ask for support from others, speaking openly about my thoughts and feelings and a whole lot of self-care when I had the time. Every month that I took these conscious steps to work on myself, I found the clouds slowly starting to lift. I also decided to start my journey in receiving therapy. I had always been aware of a lot of deep-rooted childhood trauma that needed to be worked through and this continues to be a work in progress for me.

Fast forward to now, my life looks completely different to how it did a year ago. All I can remember is the feeling of desperation and drowning in my emotions. I could not see the light at the end of the tunnel. Yet, much time has now passed and I've never felt more grounded, happy and stable than I do right now. I continue to make it a priority to work on myself weekly so that I can be the best mum I can be and the best version of myself.