Great guilty mums.

We all have our idea of what self-care means to us, however, once we become a little person’s everything this reality can very quickly and very easily turn into self-neglect. Becoming a parent can challenge us both mentally and physically is not something that we are always quite prepared for.

Before my son was born I used to practice many forms of self-care. From journaling to meditation to running and baking. Heck, I’d even count a lay-in and binge series day as self-care. However, since becoming a single parent mother I found out quite quickly that I had very little time to myself. I also found that the times that I did have for myself were consumed with household duties, squeezing in a shower or adding things to my never-ending mental list. Of course, I know that this doesn’t qualify as self-care, and I know how important it is to make sure I fill my cup. But how? How do you find the time to fill your cup, and yet consistently pour into another’s?

Recently I stumbled across some valuable information on the internet that explained how important self-care is. This is especially true when we become parents. It’s very easy to forget about ourselves in the whirlwind of parenting. However, how we feel can directly impact how our children feel. If we are feeling burnt out, mentally exhausted and lacking emotional presence, then our children start to pick up on this energy. For me, it’s a bittersweet acknowledgement. When I pour my entire self into protecting and supporting my son, I am (to my detriment) also at risk of hindering him. When this happens he sees a mother who is exhausted and neglecting herself. He starts to think that this behaviour is normal. He may then unconsciously think it’s normal to not put himself first, thus repressing his own needs. Whether this shows up in childhood or adulthood, suddenly, it all becomes increasingly confusing and very complex. Therefore, to simplify this, we need to practice loving ourselves in the same ways in which we do our children, because then we set the standard for them. We owe it to ourselves (and our little ones) to ensure we do what we can to fill our cups.

However, we know that this is easier said than done. It’s hard for a single mother to carve out time for self-care or to even admit that we deserve it. So we must acknowledge the elephant in the room.

Queue the mum guilt.

For me personally, I decided to look at my week from a different perspective. I used to think I had no time. When in fact I did have some time (although limited) to make sure that I was carving out self-care for myself. This meant having to juggle things around a bit, but I took them as small wins regardless. I found that instead of using my spare time to do housework or food shopping, I would try to incorporate it into my day-to-day so that the free time that I did have was solely for me. I decided that I would take my son food shopping with me, and time it just before a nap so he would sleep on the walk home. When he was in his highchair eating, I’d use that time to wash up or tidy the room with music on, and dance around to make it more fun and engaging for the both of us. The hoover excites him, so I bought him a toy version so we could make a game out of it and he could join in with me. I soon started to realise that all my son wanted was to be close to me, and have my attention. This shifted my perspective and lessened the mum guilt.

This also meant that the times I did have for myself, truly were for me. I’d spend my time having a nice long bath, catching up on a show and doing something I like to call 10/10/10. This is 10 minutes of meditation, 10 minutes of journaling and 10 minutes of stretches or low-impact core exercises. I also had to be gentle with myself on the days that I didn’t do anything ‘productive.’ The Saturdays when my son was with his dad and those lay-ins and binge-worthy sessions that felt normal pre-parenthood, suddenly felt so wrong and guilt-ridden. Why? Because shouldn’t I be doing the washing up? Or some food prep? Or wiping the highchair down for the millionth time? (In all honesty, the highchair is one thing I can’t leave messy, however much I try!) However, these things can wait, because we should remind ourselves that rest and recovery are also key components of self-care. We owe it to ourselves to honor that and we already do enough.

So when you’re in the depths of motherhood and another parent tells you, “It gets easier”, you can’t help but wonder, are they mocking me? But, I can safely say that last year and this year look very different for me. Each month I get a bit more back in different ways. Sometimes it's a bit more of my personality back, a bit more autonomy, more sleep or more independence. Although the most rewarding thing for me is seeing my son develop and hit new milestones. Every day represents growth in its special way.

So I encourage all other mums out there to prioritise their self-care, whichever way this looks for you.

I’ll be honest, having a baby broke my mind, my body and my spirit, and every day I’m working on trying to balance this trio of self. I just know that with self, comes care, and that she is my friend. Remember mum guilt is generated from the awareness of putting oneself first, and shouldn’t be seen as the enemy.

*Full disclosure; I write from a single-parent mother’s perspective. However, I’m aware that parental guilt doesn’t exclusively relate to this category alone.