My Dishonourable Mention, Old Roger, The Soap Dodger by Paul Stewart

Regarding Mr. Stewart's request to attach a link back to the challenge at either the start or the beginning of the piece, I did not know there was a difference. So here it is, at both the start and the beginning.

The Officially Unofficial Dishonourable Mention Challenge!

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To the editors of this once fine establishment.

I was disappointed recently to learn that the aforementioned individual in the picture above is still allowed to post repugnant images like the one of the pox-ridden chimp he holds up for all and sundry to see.

It's bad enough taking my kids to the chimp house at the zoo when they start throwing their poo at us paying customers. Or when the baboons flash their flaming red arses. But I'd rather see a thousand baboon butts than ever have to look at that science experiment of a chimpanzee again.

Banishment to the outer reaches of the galaxy is too good for purveyors of the abhorrent juvenilia this fellow routinely posts. This sort of thing is not fit for the trash heap!

Now when I try to go to sleep at night, that gross little bugger appears in my mind's eye with its demonic grin and oozing junk hanging out (or whatever that stuff is). You can't unsee something like that! It looks like some sick fecker assaulted its little pecker with a weedwhacker!

Someone needs to alert the ASPCA!

At the very least, put a pair of drawers on the little devil before it starts to scare the children.

And I haven't even started to complain about the post-modern prosody he routinely writes. The bleedin' stuff doesn't even rhyme!

But I digress. Returning to the reprehensible subject at hand, it's not bad enough that I can't get that little slimy monster out of my mind, but thanks to my heightened olfactory senses and Mr. Stewart's overly accurate poetic description of the chimp's funky junk, now I can see and smell it!

If I have to hire a therapist to deal with the nightmare of the eternally funky monkey on my mind, I'm not going to pay for it, that's for damn sure! I'm sending that feckin tab to Mr. Funny-guy Stewart or Vocal or both!

And then there's the matter of the one size fits all Content Warning. Oh, he used it alright. It's jolly well like a get out jail free card!

"This story may contain sensitive material or discuss topics some readers may find distressing."

That blather won't stop anyone from reading that's for sure! How about, "Warning!! Readers may go blind if they look at this feckin shite or at the very least wish they did!"

I have complained about this before vis-a-vis with the editors when this travesty was originally published and have yet to receive any satisfactory reply.

And don't give me any guff about freedom of expression. If someone yells "Fire!" in a theater for a bit o' fun, you'd arrest him, wouldn't you? Well how is this nasty little picture any different? Answer me that!

But I have saved the worst for last! Do you really believe that chimp represents the extent of his grotesque imagination? I know his type! He probably dreams daily about his next assault on the public's sense of propriety.

Soon those feckin monkeys will travel in little funky junk packs and start scaring old ladies on the street!

Why, I saw an image that he impishly posted as recently as last week of a car covered in chocolate bird poo!

I hereby request that Vocal provide a dishonourable mention for Mr. Stewart's egregious picture and accompanying limerick Old Roger, The Soap Dodger.

Sincerely Yours - William Wordsworth

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PS. Paul, if I went too far on this feel free to delete the entry to my story and ban me from all future unofficial challenges. If you do, please let me know so I can kill it too. Don't think I can look at that Monkey pic for long.