My Address to the Graduates at the University of Phoenix Commencement

Chancellor, faculty, parents, loved ones, and virtual students:

Thank you for inviting me to be your commencement speaker at your esteemed university's graduation convocation. Imagine my surprise and delight when I learned online about my honored invitation. At first I didn't even know about it, but then I checked my spam bin.

What, you ask, qualifies me—just a freelance writer on a freelancing writers' website—to celebrate your hard work? It's a very good question, so I Googled it. Well, acutually, I DuckDuckGo’d it. Or is it DuckDuckWent it?

Heh heh, a little joke there. Please hold your laughter to the end.

In any event…my qualifications. First, I like computers. I have one. I enjoy many things on it. Learning, however, is its forte. Every day I learn something new from bloggers, pundits, and influencers. And the porn. I'm sure you all know by now that you get that for free, right? I mean, how much money had I spent before—well, we don’t have to go into that.

Say—are there any pornographers out there getting degrees in Animal and Human Husbandry? Ah, yes! A decent amount of you. My advice to you is to keep it free. Please!

Hold your applause! I know, I know. Me, too. But always remember, a free pornscape is a refractory pornscape.

I'd also like to recognize those brave souls who have completed curricula in majors on the brink of extinction. Would those getting their degrees in Mucus Retention Coagulation, AKA Booger Biochemistry, please stand up? Thank you. Great. Now, those getting their degrees in Malodorous Fecalithic Geology, Ancient Tongues and Modern Saliva, Regurgitative Forensics, and Esoteric Virology, please stand? OK, you two, you can sit down now. Really, just sit.

OK, fine, then, don't.

And please hold your applause to the end.

I'd like to honor one of our guests at this time. Please stand, Dr. Plebias Banalie, the esteemed mathematician who derived the formula for Octaroons, 1:8. So simple. How did we even miss it! It's very important in a country known as the melting pot calling the kettle, um, oh, what? I can't say that? What about my historical aside into soap manufacture for ethnic cleansing? That's a no-go, too? Shee! That joke about the Middle East? Too soon?

Well, OK, I guess this all-Woke thing's gonna wrap up a little early. Yep, wake up laughing, which is what I always say.

Just remember, each and all of you, and those of you in your Momma's basement listening to me in your underwear, that I got to where I am by just writing any damn thing I pleased. And if you're offended by that, please like and comment. And reposting it wouldn't hurt none, neither. And, yeah…subscribe—if you must!

Thank you! Now go drink and text and drive! You earned it. And if you get pulled over, remember that on your graduation day you're allowed to say, "Spare me the lecture, Officer, I'm a BS now."