Married to a Sex Addict

My husband is addicted to pornography. Because we are both religious and have religious families (we’re Mormon), it’s not something I can necessarily talk about with anyone. Except for my husband. We talk about his addiction all the time. He first told me about it about a week after we got engaged, and at that point, I knew I loved him and would stick with him through ANYTHING. And porn addiction was just one of those things that we would have to stick through. I was a bit worried at first because I was a virgin when we got married and he was not — but we had TALKED about it.

One thing that my husband has told me has stuck with me as he struggles with his addiction: our intimate relationship feels different than the relationship he has with pornography. Because it feels different, because I know that when we have sex it doesn’t trigger his addiction, it feels healthy. It’s so important to communicate what is real (our relationship as husband and wife) and what is not real (anything he has seen through porn). Yes, there are moments when his dirty talk gets a little bit more than I can handle, but I tell him to tone it down a bit, and we work through it together.

There are days when I see that he is struggling with the images that are burned into his mind, but I know it is important to always be there for him and not take it personally. I’ve read so many articles about feeling betrayed by a spouse’s addiction, but I can honestly tell you that I don’t feel that way. My husband has slipped up once or twice since we’ve gotten married, but he’s always felt comfortable enough to tell me about it. Instead of immediately feeling betrayed and cheated on, I have to reinforce to myself that he has a sickness and I still need to care for him.

Caring for someone with a sex or pornography addiction is similar to helping someone with the flu. You grab a barf bucket and sit with them and let them work it out of their system. You don’t try to make them more sick by feeding them massive amounts of food or even cutting off their food supply entirely. You do your best to make them healthy and get them back on their feet. They will probably get sick again in the future, but it’s never your fault. And it’s never on purpose.

My husband has never raped me because of his addiction. I have never become pornography for my husband. That is a very unhealthy way to handle addiction, and I feel sad for people who think that they need to change who they are so that they can placate the “animal” that they fell in love with. You create how your relationship looks. I advocate open honesty about triggers, what feels right and healthy, and what you can do to still be present when they are struggling through a rough patch. You need to talk about these things. You can’t fuck your way out of a problem.