Love??????????

Whats next?

05/03/21

Do I talk about love and all the times I chased it. Do I begin with the first thing I ever fell in love with? When I was 10 there was this boy that came to the park with his brother, he ended up playing with my friends and I. He was a cute boy. Little did I know that boy, would be the same boy I had a crush on for 4 years. There was only one person I ever loved. I wasn’t apart of the plan, I was just a puzzle trying to be fixed. I secretly loved a boy for 4 years and wasn’t able to shout to the world the way I wanted. There was things shown to me in my dreams, that he confirmed were true. Every night he was on my mind and never once did I lose it. Its kind of bizarre to say, there was a sense of home, happiness and respect. When I sit back and think about it, It was like a hidden relationship that only we knew about. The things we said to each other, time spent with one another, I never did that with a boy before. Even when I was in my first relationship because the boy I loved decided to live a lie instead of his truth, and he knows what I’m talking about. The boy I loved was the only boy I ever wanted and he didn’t want me. I moved on and got cheated on, I never loved my boyfriend and maybe thats why I feel like I cheated without actually cheating. My heart was never in it and I knew I just couldn’t stomach the fact that I could possibly have someone who actually wanted to show me off to the world. Just come to realization that I was just another girl he got to take a virginity from, I stayed and I knew what he was capable of. The night I got raped, my ex decided on his behalf to go out of his way to tell my mom what happened and the proceed to tell his friends that I cheated on him and wanted to have sex. All my life, since I was child I told myself I would wait for the one God has for me and I was impatient, I hurt myself, I stayed in something toxic. The boy I loved, did like me. Liked me enough to shatter the image of love. Took my trust, took my everything. He broke me, he has a part to play in the person I turned into and its the exact thing I didn’t want to be. I was out chasing that same affection that I once had in every possible guy who would just answer my message. I never had sex with any of the guys I messaged. I gave a guy head once after high school and never again. I immediately hated myself and resorted to doing things i shouldnt have done like fine "art" in my arm. Once I stopped chasing and focusing on myself I was able to find Love that was lost and new love that I never had before. I wanted to hold on to a image that I believed was love for so long that I blinded myself to see that the Love was in ME the whole time. My God blesses me with unconditional love and I was too busy chasing the love of man. The love has and always will be in me and if the next guy comes along and doesn’t treat me the way I treat myself or his mother, then I’ll stay in the presence of God my whole life, theres no place I rather be but in Yahweh presence.

Love

09/23/22

I know this is a topic no one really cares to hear about. When I talk about Love I’m talking about the love you pour into yourself. Are you pouring into yourself or lying to yourself that you: “self-care” “Self-Love”?? Most of the time we talk about these things as if we’re practicing it when in reality were over indulging in activities that keep us at a standstill. I love myself but do I love myself to the extreme that I portray or am I still worried about how others perceive me? These are questions that we don’t really sit down and question. We have insecurities but are we going to just sit there and allow our insecurities to over power our own self belief? Or do you allow your self doubt to make you believe that you are unworthy or underserving of love? Which is it? Is it what you say to yourself or how others may portray you. Yes other may be used to this one idea of you, but it does not define you, it does not control who you are! It doesn’t mean you can’t change to be better for yourself. Everyone always assumes that when you’re healing your healing for the sake of someone, to be with someone. When really you don’t want your toxic negative traits to ruin what God placed right in front of you. No matter how much you see them in their higher selves, in their highest pure form, you must allow them the same amount of time to heal those traits they have the same way as you did. You know that in time what’s meant for you will come back and it won’t look how it once did. The irony of everything is that what goes around comes around good and bad.