Love & Suicide

I just wanted to write as preface before getting into this reading, i was 19 years old when I wrote this, I was at my lowest in life and was chasing all the wrong things. I can't post all the good journal notes without posting the bad to show the growth that has happened since.

LOVE (failed part one)

July 16th 2019

This is a hard one to talk about. The reason being is that I still haven’t loved myself 100% & it’s been really difficult because every time I think I’ve made progress something makes me doubt myself. With the slightest doubt I become negative and then I go back into a hole a small tiny hole where no can see and tear myself apart because I’ll never be good enough.

When I first wrote this it was last year on July 16th 2019 and now it is July 16th 2020. It amazes at what can happen in a year. How ones mind can change from being completely depressed to completely positive, always seeing two sides to the picture and asking myself if it was you, what would you do? I took pills last year to help me feel not so depressed, when all it did was make me super depressed, it was after my dog died when I decided that I didn’t want to feel like this anymore. I wanted to feel good in my own skin, I wanted to be around people who actually cared for me and pushed me to be better, was there when I was having my downfall. Despite it being one person (J) and two of my family members, she didn’t even know what was happening, the truth. i told a lot of white lies to seem cool, even when she knew it was a lie she still stayed. I don’t know why she did but I know that in high school we were never that close until like after we graduated, she is more of a sister than a friend. Always calling me out on my shit, giving me advice on what I should do with my life. She was there when my sister and I got kicked out the house, she came to me and brought us both food. Im literally sitting here crying as type this because what you don’t know is were basically homeless during a pandemic and what I could have had to buy myself my own place, we used to buy a hotel room for a month. Most people would read this and be like “holy shit she probably went down that road again” except I didn’t, God has a funny way of doing things and even though my life isn’t great at the moment, when you read this know that I made it and I’m happier then I was before. You can look at your situation in a negative way and it will remain negative forever or once you look at that situation as a positive, I’m grateful I got kicked out of that toxic environment it wasn’t good for me and it isn’t good for my sister. My sister and I combine have pulled more muscles, hurt our back, knees and life for these people. When they fight out of the goodness of my heart I go buy beers so that homie can relax and not get hot head. I go do groceries, let them use my Netflix, Spotify, let them belittle me, tell me I’m an asshole, selfish, a b*tch and more. It’s hard to heal yourself in a place that broke everyday since you were a child. I grew up not being able to eat, breakfast being made for my sister and not me, getting yelled at for having the tv volume on 3 at 6am when BEAST intentionally comes down stairs to argue with you. Taught myself how to cook at 9, learned to wash clothes at 10, taught myself how to be everything and more. Not one experience my family can say they did to help me become who I am. One thing I was taught growing up was to show respect and love to everyone, even the ones who hurt you. Don’t go to man to ask for forgiveness, go to El Shaddai he’s the only one in the end who will judge us for our sins and to forgive us for our sins. Love came from God and still does, when I found him and confessed sins, all of the love from God was there. God taught me how to love myself, God showed me to love everything single creation he has ever made, told me to turn the other cheek against my enemies, He taught me how to be more like him everyday and I wouldn’t want that change for any other thing.

SUICIDE

When I don’t love myself I go into a hole where I fill myself with so much negative energy I believe I’ll never be good.. I’ll eat so much cause I don’t feel good enough until I drown myself in fast food and cry later because I know I’m disgusting. I’m alone in my room and this fucking demon keeps talking shit in my ear and it won’t leave me alone no matter how many times I pray at night and every morning. He influences me into believing I’ll never be good enough and that I should take the scissors and make beautiful sc(art)ars in my skin. But my guardian angel grabs me by the hand and says “don’t ruin the skin He gave you, you still have many talents to show the world.” So I sit in my room and play my gospel music and cry because I can’t talk to my family about the shit going on in my head. … I’m scared I might hurt them with what I say. The hardest battle for me right now is battling my mind into doing things I used to love before I lost interest because I was sad like 24/7. When I force myself to go somewhere or do something I feel good because I fought the bad side of me that told me that I would regret going. Suicide isn’t on my mind anymore because I don’t let myself get to that point.