Looking past the Illusions of Not Feeling Good Enough

“The true measure of success is how many times you can bounce back from failure.” — Stephen Richards

When I was a child, the girls at my junior school were open about not wishing to play with me. Even at a young age, I was more than aware of their immature disdain; to me, I translated this to them having the ability to see right through to my very own sense of unworthiness.

Right up to being an adult, I’ve never been able to shake off that 'not being enough compared to others' feeling; particularly in recent times, I’ve not really been able to push through a bigger audience in these past few years with my writing, creating, and self-publishing journey. And so, still not producing income, I brush up close to those ‘not adding up to anything’ moments. It’s fleeting and happens more when I am burnt out.

My pieces and posts create little engagement, and sometimes I can’t help but wonder how other creators manage to do so well, even though it’s been a similar timeline of publishing. Do they pay for verification ticks and advertising? Even one of my writer friends messaged me to say he was astounded at my low Likes and Follows.

I know I am not alone in having a thought process like this, and it’s probably quite normal in this digital age; engagement seems to be the new worth. I haven’t got anywhere with those, despite posting almost daily for four years solid. We don’t seem to contemplate the sheer hard work and grief behind a piece or post that’s gone flat; we only associate hard work with those that have hundreds or thousands of responses. But trust me, that hard work took place, so no piece or post should ever be devalued.

Trying to grasp why we can’t detach from that sense of not feeling enough isn’t a straightforward feat. I attempt to push through the force of its illusion. Am I getting weaker, or is the illusion getting stronger? Maybe it’s not even either of those? People tell me, “Chantal, you’re strong”, yet I feel quite the opposite — that I am not strong enough, or that I don’t work hard enough.

Then I turn to God and soften. I grasp self-compassion and remind myself I am human and part of the common humanity. It helps soften the edges of the illusions of feeling I have never added up to anything for most of my life. We all struggle with these negative self-deprecating thoughts — even celebrities, whom I’ve often read how, even at the top of their game, they feel flat once they have gained an impressive feat. “What’s next?” They wonder.

I’ve discovered many genuine and kind writers who don’t forget to stop by and elevate me with their encouraging words. Thank you so much! With limited time and energy, I try to read as many articles as possible back, and even though that’s not a chore in itself, I feel like if I don’t, then everything goes quiet. But sometimes we have to take a rain check and give ourselves a break.

I used to gauge my talent according to the number of views and reads, yet I now realise that I used to write to earn, while in hindsight, I realise I need to write to learn, especially as this craft takes a long time to blossom, and I am only a handful of years in. And I am good with that. I don’t want to rush something that yearns to be organic. I just remember, illusions are just illusions, and to hold on to being unique and reaching those who need to be reached—the money will come.

Amen

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