So Many Questions

Oh, it feels so good to be outside! Moving and active in the bright spring sunshine! It’s been a long cold grey winter but the sun is out and so am I!

There’s not much water in the ditch so how is my foot getting wet right through my boot? Where does all this trash come from anyway? Oh, I know, People! Why does it end up in my ditch? Yes, People! Sigh. Every year it’s the same balancing act between the “I’m out in the sun” euphoria and the “People are pigs” disgust.

Since moving to rural Paradise County I’ve been doing ditch patrol as soon as the snow melts and the ditches are mostly drained, but before the grass grows too tall and the heat and bugs deter my efforts. The stretch along my property and running west for half of a mile, both sides of the road, is where I treasure hunt. I like to think of it as a treasure hunt rather than picking up other people’s disgusting trash. The power of positive thinking keeps me going until the job is done. Sometimes I can be done in 2 weeks. I get out on the nice days when its not too cold or windy or raining and find treasures until my bags are full or my back is sore or my muscles cramp and I just cant go any further. Bending and reaching and trudging through a ditch after a long sedentary winter is not a task for slackers. Pro Tip: Walk down the road a ways with the empty trash bags and fill them up as you walk back towards home. That way you’re not dragging heavy bags of trash both ways. Oh, I mean treasure.

I take two bags with me each time. I figured out how to hold them in the same hand. I put recyclables in one and basic garbage in the other, dragging them along behind me as I go, breathing the fresh air and collecting my treasures. By the time they’re full, I’m done in. I understand that the wind blows some things here. Ok, things happen. Maybe a garbage can tips over and some papers fly away. Ok. But what about this other stuff? A whole bag of fast food wrappers? Soda cups? Cigarette butts? Candy wrappers? That’s People. Didn’t they learn to Give A Hoot Don’t Pollute? Or to Keep America Beautiful?

I don’t know about other places but we seem to have a drinking and driving problem around here. Beer cans. Lots of beer cans. All brands. And little vodka bottles. Many, many little vodka bottles. Whiskey too but mostly vodka bottles. I understand that People wouldn’t want empty beer cans and booze bottles in their cars, especially if they’ve been drinking them while they’re driving. (Don’t they know how dangerous that is?) Why do they have to throw them in my ditch?

Once I found seven unopened packages of wooden clothespins. How does this happen? And once a large fancy silver plated serving spoon. How? Car parts are common. There’s an occasional muffler but mostly broken lights and broken fenders and the broken animal carcasses that broke the car parts. Deer. Raccoons. Possum. I wonder what the critters think about all this junk? More cans and bottles. Strips of tarpaper. Cardboard boxes. A small black notebook with half the pages torn out and the rest of the pages blank. I wonder what that was all about? A sock. A screwdriver. A hangar. A shotgun shell. A folded credit card. Sometimes I make up stories about how these treasures came to be in my path but mostly I wonder. Why? Why? Why? And how many treasures are in all the ditches in all the world?

Today’s treck is almost done. My hand is cramping and my foot is cold and wet. I’m at my driveway and just going to get that whatever-it-is over there. I am totally done for today.

***

Yesterday wore me out. And today is chilly. Those were my excuses for taking a break from ditch patrol today. I sorted the recyclables, got the garbage ready for the dump, then inspected that whatever-it-is bundle. It looks like something in a plastic grocery bag with a heavy duty rubber band holding it together.

Is this for real? Twenty! Thousand! Dollars! I can hardly believe it! Hundred dollar bills wrapped up neatly in a grocery bag? I counted it three times! I stared at it for I don’t know how long. I stacked it up. I spread it out. I held it in my hands. After all that trash I’ve finally found a real treasure!

I wonder how did it get here? Was it stolen? Did someone lose it? Why was it by my driveway? Was it meant for me? Did it get thrown from a car? Maybe a vodka drinker tossed it by mistake? What do I do now? Do I report it to the Sheriff? Do I ask my neighbor if he lost Twenty? Thousand? Dollars? How do you lose twenty thousand dollars? Can I keep it? What would I do with it? Spend it? Save it? Give it away? What do I need? What do I want? Should I share? Who could I help? What should I do?

What would you do?