Camping Etiquette

Every year literally dozens of people attempt the sometimes difficult, though always entertaining activity, known as camping. This can come in a variety of forms, all the way from hauling a large eighteen-wheeler mansion equipped with showers, two kitchens, and seven satellite dishes, down to simply hiking two hundred and thirty five kilometers into the dense forest with nothing but a ball of twine, some Silly Putty, and a pair of cargo shorts.

And every year, literally dozens of people, after said experiences, come home and offer the following epithet: What in the world was I thinking?! Now, not all camping sessions are fraught with disaster. Why some even end up being more enjoyable than those brochures you picked up showing hired models roughing it mere arms length from crew vans and catering trucks sitting just out of camera range.

But our biggest problem is that we usually forget what we have learned, and so, now, with this years' camping season fast approaching (slower here in Canada), let’s evaluate what went right and what went wrong in past years. And let’s answer a few important questions about camping etiquette so that you as informed campers can do it better next time, or simply stay home and take up less space for those of us who have it figured out.

Q: When should I book for next year’s camping?

A: As soon as you know the dates when said camping facility will open for reservations, make plans for the next year, because by the time you do get your act together, all the best sites will be gone, mostly snatched up by scalpers. However, if really you want to try your luck, go to the facility several days in advance and camp on their door step to be as close to the first in line as possible, like you’re at a Rush concert, which will show your determination and love for camping. Then, when the doors do open, make sure to book for the following year, because the scalpers have already flooded the computer based reservation site a mere .0005 seconds after they opened it.

Q: How many days would you recommend for a family camping trip?

A: That depends on the family. Is it your own, or someone else’s? Always remember the following sage wisdom as told by my wife’s cousin: After more than three days, even family starts to smell like fish.

Q: We have two small children, should we bring them along camping as well?

A: No.

Q: But we love them, and don’t want to leave them home.

A: Umm….no.

Q: Really?

A: Okay, bring them along, but be prepared. Some children may not take well to the dark outside at a campsite, and may choose to scream for most of the night at a decibel level that would cause rocks to shatter. If that happens, please feel free to do the following things the next morning: 1) go to each of the surrounding campsites and apologize to your neighbors, 2) bribe them if necessary, and 3) pack up and go home. Other than that, have a great time.

Okay, I will add that in my personal experience (with my own two, and seeing two more little ones next to us at a campground) kids will usually enjoy camping quite well. It all depends on the children, and you don’t always know until you are actually there, nestled in a sleeping bag in a tent. Don’t let me deter you. It’s all a crapshoot, anyway.

Q: Is there anything we shouldn’t bring along?

A: I try not to bring livestock. I have it under good authority (I actually witnessed this) that some people show up at campsites with chickens and ducks. I found this very strange, and seeing as they weren’t planning on eating any of said livestock, bringing them along just seemed a lousy way of introducing them to a new place to shed and poop.

Q: Should we tent it, or buy a type of camper?

A: I have a bit of a problem being in a thin, shreddable fabric tent during a thunder and lightning storm, so perhaps a camper might be better. Also, consider, after a bit of wetness and no way of staying dry, or drying out, everything will begin to smell like dirty feet. At that point, it will be necessary to pack up and go home. Sorry, what was the question?

Q: Do you recommend a tent trailer, or a large scale motorhome?

A: Seeing as I have no real experience with either, you should ask yourself the following important question: Do you enjoy using the bathroom outdoors, or inside? The answer to that will determine everything.

Q: How should we plan and prepare meals while camping?

A: There are three generally accepted ways of meal planning and preparation for camping out. Four, if you count not actually cooking, and merely eating everything raw. Which I do not recommend. First, there is cooking with a camp stove, which can work well unless you are a boob and can’t figure out how to use a camp stove. Second, there is cooking over fire, which also works well, but is sensitive and if you aren’t careful, everything that you cook will start out as actual food, but will end up becoming a charcoal briquette, which no amount ketchup can make palatable. The third option is the nearest drive-though.

Q: But what if we are hiking high in the mountains? And we are a long way from civilization?

A: Oh, sorry. Buy the food before you go, and simply microwave it when you get to your site. Easy!

Q: Any actual final words of wisdom before we pack up and leave?

A: STOP, DON’T DO IT!!! Just kidding. In all seriousness, if you were looking for real words of wisdom, would you be reading this article?

In all honesty, I do enjoy camping, the feeling of being outdoors, the campfire, the early morning cool smells in the woods over that first perked cup of coffee, it all adds up to a great experience, one that always sticks in my memory.

So, be smart, do your homework, pack thoughtfully, and remember the main Golden Rule of Camping: LEAVE YOUR LIVESTOCK HOME! HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?!

Thank you.