The Book That Saved My Life

Darkness overcame my heart the day that I was raped. The girl I used to be all those years ago is long gone. For a number of years, that felt like the worst thing to me. Feeling like you are giving up on yourself when you have no control is a scary process. Tears would overflow almost daily. Many days I would ask myself why he hadn't just killed me. Other days I would long for it. Then one day came that changed everything for me.

An ordinary day. Back then all I would do was work, cry, contemplate suicide, and sleep. There wasn't much I did in a day besides feel the hole in my chest grow bigger and bigger. Most days I felt helpless regardless of the mask I wore to work. The only way to help my clients through the day would be to pretend I was fine. That quickly became an exhausting task that would send me home everyday filled with more sorrow than I thought I could ever bare. I wanted to die. This day was no different.

The only difference in the day had been that my mom had brought home a book. She explained to me that a pastor at her job had gotten it for me and that it would help me.

Drowning in endless tears and depression I was outraged. A book was going to take the pain of him stealing my entire soul? Yeah, right.

I never rolled over or even acknowledged her and went weeks on the very same routine of going to work and coming home to fall apart. The act was exhausting and honestly excruciating but at this point in my life all I knew was incredible pain. Then one day it all changed.

I had been stood up by my ex who had honestly been a huge part of why I didn't like myself outside of my rape. I had gotten all dressed up to be blown off and while at the time I was told it was for good reason, it was not. I sat in my room with make up done and spirits slightly lifted only to have them tossed away again. My friends had abandoned me due to my unwavering depression. People blew me off left and right. I felt so misunderstood and alone.

That night I broke down sobbing uncontrollably. I felt so invisible. Raging thoughts and suicidal thoughts undulated through my mind. Something inside me seemed almost compelled to pull this book out. So, I did.

For sometime I stared at the front cover. I saw the word rape inside a book for the very first time. It stung. Anger still danced inside of me. How could such a book help me? There was this little voice though, that encouraged me to keep reading. As this book went on it told me the sad truth about the world we live in. Someone is rape every five minutes. Someone's soul is torn from them every five minutes. That line instilled so much sorrow in my heart that I came unglued. Bursting into tears I struggled to read the pages but I pressed on.

This one book would change my life forever. I began to understand the feelings inside me. The way I was feeling seemed so hard to explain, and yet she put it all into perspective for me there and then. For the first time in a long time I didn't feel alone anymore. Me Ra Koh knew everything I felt from top to bottom. It felt like such a relief to know that someone else was feeling all these painful things going on to live such a happy life.

I made it eleven chapters that night until the tears controlled exhausted me. I fell fast asleep. The next morning I could hardly wait to finish the book. I did just that.

That day I started talking to God again. I started journaling. I started taking my life back day by day. It's been hard. It still is some days. yet, I have come so far from the girl who used to come home to sleep and cry.

I've become a woman who stands up for herself and what is right. I've comfortable with myself. My hustle and grind is back full force. I've come to the realization that nobody can stop me but me.

Without that book I don't know who I would be or even if I would be here today. I would like to say a special thanks to the pastor who showed me this book. I thought it was the cruelest thing she could have given me. Oh, how pleasantly surprised I was. The smallest of gestures have the biggest results.

I'm happy to be free and even happier that someone cared about me enough to cut those chains off. I am a survivor of rape and I will continue to survive. Thank you Pastor Sue for all you do!