Day 36 of My 40 Day Fast: Finally Accepting My ‘Wild Frizzy’ Hair

I grew up hating my hair, and I’ve held on to this hate my whole life. I have a mix of curly wavy hair that is frizzy, and I put it through the ringer to make it suitable for public consumption.

In high school, in the 90s, I kept it tied back, but I wanted so badly to wear it like the other girls. I blew it out with round brushes and a hair dryer. I bought different hair products to make it smooth. I got my mom to pay for a professional chemical relaxing treatment. My hair always fought back.

It wasn't until I purchased one of the first hair straighteners on the market from a drug store when I could finally start wearing my hair open. I straightened my hair every morning before school. This new appliance was the tool to the hair of my dreams.

I straightened my hair all the way through my twenties and well into my 30s, and I purchased products to make my hair as smooth as possible. I also dyed my hair according to whatever style was trending at the time. My hair is black so this required bleaching it beforehand to make any colour stand out. I’ve had blonde highlights, purple streaks, red tint, an ombre, etc.

Every jacket I ever owned had to have a hood, because any moisture in the air would bring the frizz. I hid myself from nature in order to maintain the smoothness I had worked so hard to achieve. I spent an hour after a shower straightening my hair, and because of this time consuming procedure I only washed my hair once a week.

At some point in the 20s, I began wearing my hair curly. I bought loads of hair products to take the frizz out and make the curls form and shine. I asked my toxic ex which way he liked my hair. He said he preferred my hair straight, so I started straightening it again.

One night we were out with his friends, and one of them asked me why I stopped wearing my hair curly. I told him my ex thought I looked better with straight hair. All of his friends mouths gaped. They couldn’t believe what they heard. They thought my curly hair was beautiful. His friend came up to me afterwards to tell me that my ex was trying to keep me ‘down’ because I was gorgeous with curly hair and he didn't want that. I really wanted my ex to like me, so I made my ex’s opinion of my hair my opinion of my hair. You can read all about my toxic ex by clicking on the story below.

I wore it straight even after I left that toxic situation all the way into my mid 30s when I began to experience problems with my health. I was undergoing a host of different symptoms. We’re taught that every symptom is its own issue and not related to one underlying health problem.

One of my symptoms was hair fall. My hair was falling more than the usual amount. I’ve had hair fall my whole life because I’ve been iron deficient since childhood, but my hair was falling at a rate where I was beginning to notice a loss in volume and see my scalp.

I thought perhaps this was from years of heat styling, so I started wearing my hair curly. The curls helped to hide the loss in volume. I began buying designer hair products and shampoos and conditioners that I believed were better for my hair’s health.

A product would work great, but eventually my hair would fight back leaving me on the hunt for another. I watched countless curly hair Youtube tutorials. I must have tried every method out there. Some worked really well, but my hair always fought back. I have burnt a hole in my wallet and thrown away an endless array of products.

Amidst all of this I was diagnosed with a severe gut disease, and that's when I realized why I was losing my hair. I knew that if I healed my gut my hair would stop falling and grow back. The healing journey has been made a long and arduous process because of my ex. He is mainly the reason for this fast. You can read about that by clicking the story below.

Healing has been made a struggle and my hair has reached a point where I can no longer wear it open. I keep it tucked away in loose buns and braids. I have switched to all natural shampoos and conditioners, and I only use oils to keep it moisturized.

This fast has made me want to just leave my hair completely alone. Unfortunately, it took almost losing all of my hair for me to appreciate what I took for granted. I would do anything to get that frizzy messy mop back onto my head. I look at other women and wonder if they love their hair.

When I finally heal my body, and my hair grows back, I will have a newfound appreciation for it. I love it for its naturalness. I love it because it refuses to be like everyone else, which really has become a reflection of me. I don't care what other's think of my ‘crazy’ hair, because other’s opinion of me is no longer my opinion of me.

So what if my hair doesn’t fit into society’s mold? I no longer want my hair to look like everyone else’s. I want my hair to just be. People who make negative comments about others are really just showing the world where they’re at mentally and emotionally.

In a world where women are trying to blend in and fit into some sort of beauty ideal, be brave enough to be yourself in all of your naturalness. It’s my belief that we're all naturally drawn to individualism and characteristics that set us apart. The thing you may not like about yourself just may be the thing that makes you intriguing and draws others to you. Learn to love yourself and completely accept yourself as you are. Life is so freeing when you do, and a lot less expensive. That which we resist, persists.