Breaking 8 Years of Silence

I want to preface this by saying that I'm really not looking for "I'm sorry this happened to you" or "You're so strong" or whatever other supportive things people will say. I am simply sharing my story because there are so many young women out there that are silent - just as I was.

When I graduated high school and went off to college, the definition of consent was so blurred for me that I didn't realize until too late that what was happening to me was forced, abusive, and non-consensual. I wish I knew better, but, more importantly, I wish that HE knew better.

To my loved ones reading this: please consider clicking away and reading another story of mine instead. If you do continue, please know that your love and support over the years has helped me exponentially even if you had no idea of what I was going through. I would not be where I am today without my family and friends.

Trigger warning: sexual assault, abuse, and manipulation

I was painfully unaware of the manipulation tactics he used.

"I'm sorry, I'm being such a dick." [Continues same behavior].

"Nobody has made me wait this long."

"We've done everything else already."

"Why are you torturing me like this?"

"Any other women would have put out by now."

"Who gives a fuck if you're no longer a virgin?"

"Where is it? Did you swallow it? That's disgusting."

[Laughs] "What if I got you pregnant?"

My self esteem was so low that I assumed that no one would ever want to be with me, and I though dealing with HIM was better than being alone.

He laugh when I said don't and stop. "Don't stop? Okay I'll keep going."

He crushed me beneath him and did things to make himself "feel good."

He held the back of my head and pushed so hard, I thought I was going to suffocate.

He wouldn't hold my hand in public but wouldn't stop touching me when we were alone.

He took me to a hotel room and attempted to get me drunk while he remained sober.

He yelled at me for bleeding on him when he caused the same cuts that bled onto him.

He implied that he would shoot himself because of me while we were on a "break."

I was hurting on the inside, but I didn't know how to explain everything or how to ask for help.

I came back to my dorm room sore and sometimes bleeding.

I cried a lot.

I considered running my car off the road every time I drove him home.

I would cry in pain when I went to the bathroom or showered when I would get home from seeing him.

I stopped seeing and talking to some of my friends.

I didn't sleep well. I didn't eat well.

I yearned for a simple kiss, hug, or cuddle from someone who cared about me.

My memories from this period of time are so blurry. I couldn't tell you about the classes I was taking or the extra-curriculars I was participating in. He dominates all of those memories.

I confronted HIM several months after he was out of my life.*

I was looking for closure or something to help me move forward. The conversation did not bring me the healing I was looking for (and actually made me feel worse), but having some of the following messages documented is an important reminder that what I went through was not normal, not right, and it is okay for me to not be okay with it.

[*These Facebook messages are taken straight from our last conversation; they have been edited to show better grammar to make them easier to read. I have left out my side of the conversation to protect myself, as well as show the progression of his manipulation.]

"Hurting you wasn't something I ever wanted to do, Shelbs! Can you be more specific though? I know I probably said really mean shit to you, and I apologize."

"Was I really that bad of a person?..."

"I guess I'll take it... you never let on to me that I was that bad to you..."

"I'm sorry. I didn't know how to be or act. I have my own issues. If I took any of that out on you I sincerely apologize."

"I would never purposely try to hurt you or anyone for that matter. Maybe I can't see it like that because I'm so different than I used to be."

"I'm glad you got that off your chest, but I feel like the biggest fucking piece of shit..."

"Maybe I deserve to feel that way... who knows... I just didn't think it was as bad as you say... You could have mentioned something to me sooner..."

"Honestly I'm in complete shock over all of this... I knew what we had wasn't healthy but to bring it to that level?..."

"You could have just told me how you felt from the get-go though."

"If you were to actually get to know me, I'm one of the most caring and nicest individuals."

"We both jumped into something neither of us were ready for and it went to shit."

"If this is going to be a bash on C**** thing... let it all out now. I can probably take it."

"I don't know what you're trying to get at, but that is so far out of my character that I have to firmly disregard it."

"I'm not denying anything. It's more of a misunderstanding. Like I'm seriously confused."

"Okay, so obviously you think I'm just some sick fuck, and anyone who has ever met me knows I'm not. But if that's how you truly feel you need to do whatever it takes to get over it, and I'm willing to do whatever is needed on my end to help."

"Just know it would NEVER be my intention to hurt another human being in the way that you're saying I hurt you."

"Goodbye Shelby. I'm sorry for any trouble I may have caused you and if you ever need to say anything more I'm open and willing to listen."

"Thanks for telling me how ya really feel. Something you never did when we were around each other."

If you're just hear to find out what I did or said to make him do the things he did, as well as say the things above, then you should just move on. While I've struggled to advocate for myself, I have no problem standing up for all the other women who went through abuse. If you want to argue with my or anyone else's story... you can kindly let the door hit you on the way out.

I've been mostly silent for the past 8 years, telling only a few close friends, family members, and counselors over time. I didn't report. I stayed silent in fear of people not believing me, people blaming me, people thinking I was just looking for attention, and him coming after me.

Petrified of the idea that people would think I was just lying for a "good" story, I let his final words burden me for too long.

8 years of my life I stayed silent, scared.

Not anymore.

I just have one last thing to say.

Fuck you, Caleb.