Who Could Have Predicted This?

“This is Josh Holloway with ABG Nightly News. We have breaking news from the White House. The president has just declared martial law.”

He did what?! My eyebrows raised imperceptibly and I continued reading the teleprompter.

“A source from inside the White House has reported that the president is refusing to concede the election to President-Elect Biden, and has barricaded himself inside the Oval Office where he made several phone calls to top advisors, including the Mike Lindell, the MyPillow guy, who strongly advised him to stay put.”

The MyPillow guy? Is this real? I frowned fractionally at Nancy, the teleprompt operator and she nodded ironically. This was real.

“The president has reportedly used the historic oval office couches to bar the doors and is refusing to allow anyone but his family to enter his private offices. We have received word that the president is using his son Don Trump Jr’s Twitter handle to gather his own private militia to protect him. This militia is comprised primarily of the Proud Boys, some of his fiercest supporters, and various other fringe groups who have taken up arms in defense of Trump.”

Are we allowed to say fringe groups? I checked the papers on my desk just for something to do while I collected myself. These papers were always just a prop to make it look like I was the one who did the research. I just reported it, Nancy and her team did all the actual work.

“It is unclear what the rest of his cabinet are planning to do at this time, most having already resigned in the wake of the riots just this past week. We know that the vice president has already deserted the White House to avoid making any decisions.”

Am I really allowed to say all this? Nancy urged me forward. I was the one who was going to get in trouble for this. It was my face on the screen.

“Trump’s top advisors, Ivanka Trump and husband, Jared Kushner are also barricaded in the Oval Office with the president. Sources within the White House say that they are hopeful that their father will share some of the responsibility as the nation’s first-” I squinted into the darkness behind the cameras. Nancy was fiercely urging me forward. I was so getting fired for this. “- autocratic leader.”

“We will continue to follow this breaking news from inside the White House as more details become available. This is Josh Holloway with ABG Nightly News.”

I ran my hands through my hair watching Nancy, Graham, and Tom high five each other. “Nancy, did you just get me fired?” I shouted into the darkness.

“No, way, dude,” she said jogging up to my desk. We had five more minutes until I was back on the air. Immediately following the commercials was always the weather. “This came straight from the top. I cleared it with corporate. We pulled our funding for the presidential campaign. We can pretty much say whatever we want right now.”

“Is that true, though?”

“Oh, yeah. Bill has been inside the White House this whole time. He’s got audio recordings of everything the president has been saying behind closed doors. Even the My Pillow crap is true! He’s actually taking national security advice from a pillow maker now. No one else will talk to him. Just wait until after the break. This next bit is just as insane.”

“I can hardly wait,” I mumbled from behind my hands.

“Makeup!” Nancy shouted. “Don’t do that! You just smeared your makeup. I swear, if you do that again, I’ll tell Franco to change your foundation color to orange.”

I blew her a kiss and wiped my foundation on her nose.

“Watch it, buster, or I’ll mess up your teleprompter.”

I threw my head back and laughed loudly. “Then who would report your insane stories?”

“I only tell the truth,” she said with a shrug.

“Looking back on all this, ten years later, no one is going to believe that all this is true.”

“That’s why we have all the proof anyone will ever need.” She opened her arms wide and backed away into the dark safety on the other side of the cameras.

“Look at you, you pig,” Franco cried from behind his rhinestone face mask when he saw the mess I’d made of my makeup. “I die a thousand deaths in the wreckage you made of your beautiful face.”

I knew better than to reply when Franco was on the warpath. He fancied himself in love with me and I loved him back in my own platonic way. I closed my eyes and let Franco work his magic. He chatted on about his crazy night with his friends and invited me along next time. I didn’t know if he truly meant it, but part of me was actually tempted to go with him after what I had just reported. It could be my last chance to do anything fun before the world was set on fire.

Franco’s voice faded away and I opened my eyes to Nancy’s countdown with her hand. 5-4-3-2-1.

“I’m Josh Holloway with ABG Nightly News. We are tracking the latest developments within the White House. The president has barricaded himself inside the Oval Office with his family and closest advisors. He has declared martial law and his Proud Boys and fringe militia have surrounded the White House.”

During my dramatic pause, I read ahead on the teleprompter and choked back laughter. This is absolutely ridiculous. I cannot believe this. I eyed Nancy and she nodded again with a smirk on her face.

“We have just learned that Ivanka Trump and husband, Jared Kushner, have purchased a private residence next to their own to convert into bathrooms and office space for their secret service detail. As we all know, the Trump/Kushner couple have refused to allow their secret service detail to use the restrooms inside their residence in the past. Port-a-Potties had been set up far from their residence, but in light of recent exposure, the couple has decided to purchase the property next to theirs, much to the relief of their secret service detail.”

I cannot believe I just said all that out loud. This is the news. This is what we report now.

I touched my finger to my ear like I had just received some new breaking news in my earpiece. It was really only ever used by Nancy to yell at me for not reading the teleprompter word for word. She was currently laughing breathily through her mask and it was hurting my ear. I admonished her with my eyes and blinked a few times to cover it.

“As of right now, we know that the only people outside of Trump’s immediate family that have been allowed into the Oval Office are Senator Ted Cruz, a staunch Trump supporter, and his lawyer, Rudy Giuliani. Our sources inside the White House have also confirmed that Josh Hawley and Mike Pompeo have also been invited inside the president’s barricades, but have not arrived yet. All parties have ambitions to become future presidents, and have vowed to support Trump’s attempts at a militia-backed coup.

“We turn now to Bill Hightower, our White House correspondent as he reports to us from inside the White House itself. Bill, can you tell us anything about what is happening inside the Oval Office right now?”

“Well, Josh,” Bill said quietly. He was crouched next to a desk in a nondescript office. “I’m not sure how much longer I will be allowed to stay in here. I’ve been hearing whispers that the press is being escorted out of the building. I am in an unused secretary’s office for the time being. Tom, from our sister station NBG was here with me for a time, but he was summoned by the White House press secretary and hasn’t returned.”

“What can you tell us about the rumors of a barricade inside the Oval Office?”

“It is true. White House security attempted to open the doors and were unsuccessful. They have decided not to attempt to break the door down for the time being. We are unsure how long they will wait for the president to emerge on his own, but that appears to be the plan at this time.”

“Bill, can you confirm that the president spoke with Mike Lindell and has since declared martial law?”

“Yes, Josh. Sources tell me that after the House voted to impeach the president for the second time, he became unhinged and paced the Oval Office for hours, while making a number of phone calls to his most loyal supporters, who have since joined him inside the barricade.”

The sound of a door closing startled Bill and he looked up. There was the sound of an unintelligible voice speaking to Bill, then he nodded and looked back at the camera.

“Bill, what is happening there, now?”

“As of right now, the militia groups surrounding the White House have remained relatively peaceful. They are drawing huge crowds, however, and they are getting agitated. I can hear them chanting from here.”

“What are they saying, Bill?”

“The usual. Stop the steal and four more years. News crews from outside the White House continue to report that the president’s supporters are unwaveringly convinced that the election was stolen from Trump and that he won, despite having been proven otherwise. As you know, President-Elect Joe Biden is due to be sworn into office in just a few short days, but we are unclear how that will play out in light of recent developments.”

“Thank you, Bill. Be careful and stay safe.”

“Thank you, Josh. This is Bill Hightower, reporting from inside the White House.”

I maintained a stony expression until Nancy gave me the all-clear. “Holy wow, Nance,” was all I could think to say.

She nodded her head sadly. “Just when we thought things couldn’t get any crazier.”

“Who could have predicted this?” I said and took a sip of water.

“Um, everyone,” Nancy said dryly.