Trump Declares National Emergency to Tackle 5-Year-Old's Mexican Flag

WAUSAU, WI — President Donald Trump announced a full-scale invasion of Wisconsin Tuesday to apprehend a 5-year-old boy spotted riding a tricycle adorned with a Mexican flag. The operation, code-named “Operation Freedom Pedal,” mobilizes an elite team of US Marines to “secure the border state of Wisconsin from this clear and present danger.”

“It's a total disgrace,” Trump declared from a makeshift podium outside a Wausau Dairy Queen, gesturing at a grainy photo of young Diego Martinez pedaling down a suburban cul-de-sac. “This kid, probably not even American, waving a foreign flag like he owns our country. “

Sources close to the president claim the incident began when a local retiree, Karen Gunderson, posted a blurry iPhone video to X, captioned: “ILLEGAL INVASION IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD!!! #BuildTheWall.” 

The clip, showing Diego ringing his tricycle bell while the flag flutters, racked up 12 million views in under an hour, prompting Trump to spring into action. “If I don't act, Wisconsin's will turn into Juarez,” he told aides.

Interior Mexican Decorating

In addition to the manhunt for Diego, Trump issued Executive order 17941 mandating that all Mexican restaurants in Wisconsin redecorate in red, white, and blue or face “consequences.” 

At press time, beloved local chain Taco Juan's was seen frantically dying green fabric into verdant blue and swapping out salsa verde for ketchup-based “Freedom Sauce.” Manager Juanita Morales sighed, “We just want to serve tacos, not join the culture war - we have our own culture already.”

A Call for Calm

Diego's mother, Maria Martinez, expressed bewilderment at the situation. “He got the flag at a piñata party. He's five. He likes shiny things,” she told reporters while hiding Diego's tricycle in the garage. “Now I've got guys in red hats chanting 'USA' outside my house.”

Wisconsin State Governor Tony Evers issued a statement urging calm, noting that the state's biggest threats are moldy cheddar and overzealous Packers fans, not kindergartners on trikes. 

Meanwhile, Trump vowed to escalate the situation, hinting at plans to deploy “patriot drones” to monitor playgrounds for “foreign flag operations.”

Wartime Footage Needed

Fox News is offering $5000 to anyone who can provide footage of an electric vehicle in (non-CGI) flames in Wisconsin.

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This story is a work of satire, intended for entertainment purposes only. Any resemblance to actual events, persons, or kindergartners waving tiny flags is purely coincidental and probably hilarious. No 5-year-olds, tricycles, or Mexican restaurants were harmed in the creation of this narrative. The authors do not endorse invading Wisconsin, dying salsa blue, or deploying “patriot drones” to monitor playgrounds. Claims about flaming electric vehicles are unverified and likely the result of someone leaving their Tesla near a campfire. Readers are advised to consume this story with a grain of salt, preferably from a margarita rim at Taco Juan's.

Mobilizing the U.S. military against its own civilians is generally inappropriate due to legal, ethical, and practical concerns rooted in democratic principles. The Posse Comitatus Act of 1878 explicitly limits federal military involvement in domestic law enforcement, prohibiting troops from engaging in civilian policing without Congressional approval or a presidential declaration of emergency, such as during insurrections. This law protects civil liberties, ensuring the military remains subordinate to civilian authority and preventing authoritarian overreach. Ethically, deploying armed forces against citizens risks escalating tensions, eroding public trust, and causing disproportionate harm, as soldiers are trained for combat, not crowd control. Historical examples, like the Kent State shootings in 1970, demonstrate how military involvement in civilian matters can lead to tragedy and social unrest. Practically, local law enforcement and the National Guard, under state control, are better equipped for domestic issues, with training in de-escalation and community relations. Military action could also inflame divisions, radicalize groups, and destabilize democracy, as seen in authoritarian regimes where militaries suppress dissent. Exceptions, like natural disasters or extreme emergencies, require clear justification and oversight to avoid abuse. Respecting these boundaries preserves America’s democratic integrity and public safety.