The New Philosophy of the Modern United States of America
We The People
Preamble:
We the people of the United States of America hereby declare that we do not, generally speaking, approve of philosophy. It typically requires deep thought and critical self examination, two things we are very much against. In fact the entire new philosophy of the modern United States of America can best be thought of as an anti-philosophy. If there is a thing that the international community or any group or body or persons that we are against is for, or thinks is useful and important, then we stand united against it. If we are against philosophy, then how can we use it to describe our beliefs? you may ask. Please see Maxims 6 and 13 for a more detailed explanation, but basically it is because we are always free to suspend or ignore previously stated positions or long held beliefs at any time, for any reason, with no justification required or given. It is critically important that the readers of this philosophy understand it only applies to the extent we say it does, when we say it does, and if we ever change our minds about any of it, we will be sure to let you know or not. There is nothing you can do about it in any case so we probably won’t bother. We will of course hold you accountable for everything we say here so reader beware.
Maxim 1: We are never wrong about anything.
Maxim 2: We do not have any problems.
Maxim 3: The fake problems that we definitely don’t have are absolutely the fault of minorities or foreigners, not us. We never blame ourselves for anything, only others. Everything we do not like which is many, many things, is their fault.
Maxim 4: We are against almost everything and for almost nothing. Sorry about that. Not really. See Maxim 1 and 5
Maxim 5: We are never sorry about anything and thanks to Maxim 1 we don’t ever have to be.
Maxim 6: We reserve the right to change our minds about anything at any time for any reason or for no reason at all. Get used to it. There is nothing you can do about it.
Maxim 7: Our history of freedom and blah, blah, blah, is just that, history. If it were so great it would be present not history. Clearly it sucked so we ignore it unless we conveniently need to lean on it for some reason. Like to impress chicks or something.
Maxim 8: Everyone loves us.
Maxim 9: Those that don’t love us would if they only got to know us a little better. Unfortunately for them, they will never have that chance since we are very, very, very impatient and very, very, very intolerant especially when it comes to criticism of us.
Maxim 10: We are afraid of every god damn thing. If there is a thing out there you better believe a substantial number of us are scared shitless of it. In fact we are wetting our pants in fear about it at this very moment. Even if we don’t know what it is.
Maxim 11: Even though we have the biggest and therefore best military in the world, we are still scared shitless about every god damn little thing. See maxim 10. This makes no sense but see maxim 12.
Maxim 12: We do things that make no sense all the time.
Maxim 13: We do not have to justify any of our actions, especially the ones that make no sense. Why would we bother. We know they are irrational and make no sense, but that is the point. Only philosophers and scientists and other rational “thinkers” worry about making sense. We simply act and sense becomes what we say it is.
Maxim 14: We do not have opinions because once we say something it is a fact.
Maxim 15: Even though Maxim 12 would seem to stand in direct opposition to this Maxim, everything we do makes sense because we say it does. Therefore Maxim 12 is a load of shit.
Maxim 16: We love technology, but we hate science. Makes no sense. We know. See Maxim 12.
Maxim 17: We only love technology that does not scare us, but since we are scared of every god damn thing we are against much of technology, but not all of it, unlike science. We are against all of it.
Maxim 16: You should be scared shitless of everything, especially foreigners and minorities, exactly like we are, and that is one of the reasons we espouse this new philosophy of the Modern United States of America.
About the Creator
Everyday Junglist
About me. You know how everyone says to be a successful writer you should focus in one or two areas. I continue to prove them correct.
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Comments (10)
I loved the funny critical sense
I laughed then I cried, then I liked and subscribed
Very very funny. I love the extrme sarcasm.
Excellent. Humour is essential in dark times. Well done and congrats!
congratulations on top story- enough comic relief to ease accepting the truth of the dark chaos that has been unleashed.
Bloody brilliant. From an outsider, all of this is true. And as sad and scary as the reality it is, I was lmao all through your piece. Congrats on the TS. I hope more people see this.
This is exactly how it is RIGHT NOW! great job, should be TOP STORY!
Now this should be published... "And we hold these truths to be self-evident, that all me are created assholes..."
On the fourth day, god gave us technology. All so true it hurts😂
I absolutely love this to the extreme. I have saved it because it may eventually give me ideas for fiction. I especially love Maxims 12 and 15. It all works though. I openly laughed more than once. I forget the exact quote but someone said something about how little minds discuss people (gossip) and {something else} discuss events and {non-Americans, I'd say/enlightened minds} discuss philosophy. Shouldn't there be a Maxim however about Americans caring more about the price of eggs than about World Peace and nuclear Armageddon? Of course, evangelical Christians think the End of the World is inevitable... but the price of eggs was never an approved sign of the Apocalypse. That's gotta piss 'em off. And what about a Maxim about how we are now electing the least qualified candidate to lead us? You should do a sequel. Not that I'm complaining. This was brilliant. The premise alone is gold. If I had written this, I would have probably published it in the Humor Community, but that's only because I hope to stage a bloodless coup and take over there. Fantastic story, Sir! ⚡💙⚡