The Gristle – Issue 4

Government To Purchase Melvyn Bragg As 'Critical To UK Infrastructure'

The Labour government has recalled parliament to agree the purchase of veteran broadcaster, Melvyn Bragg.

Bragg, a stalwart of UK radio and television since the 1970s, has been allowed to fall into disrepair by his current owners, Radio 4.

It's feared that without a rapid injection of raw materials, he could become derelict, putting the UK at risk of having no active octogenarian cultural behemoths.

James Murray, Exchequer Secretary to the Treasury, told Times Radio that he is "confident we can keep Melvyn going" and that "serious UK broadcasting has a bright future".

They are also seeking a private sector partner for Jools Holland, whose Annual Hootenanny risks falling into the hands of Chinese investors.

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Starmer Downgrades 'Coalition of the Willing' to 'Motley Crew Of Renegades'

BRUSSELS – Keir Starmer has announced a "strategic reclassification" of the UK-led Ukraine peacekeeping force to a "reassurance team".

Facing reluctance from cash-strapped European nations, the UK PM has stripped back the mission to a 'motley crew of plucky misfits'.

The so-called 'Starmy army' is led by Major Hannibal Fiasco, 14th Viscount of Basingstoke, a cigar-chomping, passive-aggressive tactician, known for the catchphrase "By Jove, I love it when a plan comes together."

He is joined by:

• Charlie "Murdoch" Mullins – renegade plumber, once modded a Morris Minor into an amphibious assault vehicle using only Plumber's Mait and anti-Euro sentiment.

• Rishi "Face" Fashanu – failed fintech founder, specialising in sig-int and sextortion. Can remote-hack a Russian tank with a Nokia 3210.

• Brian Antwon “BA” Baracus – former NHS surgeon, expert in battlefield triage and enhanced interrogation. Can disable drones with a top-spin cover drive from his faithful Gray-Nicolls cricket bat.

Downing Street did not comment on rumours that all four are seeking compensation from the Ministry of Justice after being imprisoned for "crimes they did not commit".

Meanwhile in Ukraine, the Russian spring offensive intensifies – led by a North Korean convict, a Chinese tax emigre, a retired Philippino enforcer, and an Australian bushman called 'Dazza'.

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Graffiti Artist Admits Deep Compulsion to Tag Tesco Express

MANCHESTER – Local 'street artist' AôB admits he has nothing against inner city minimarts, and he doesn't even know what his tag means anymore.

“I thought it was political at first. But I don't know anything about politics."

Speaking to The Big Issue, the prolific spray-painter, 52, real name 'Andy or Bob' likens the urge to a “chronic crotch itch.”

The signature tag of the man unsure of his own name can be been seen on Ancoats warehouse redevelopments, the Wing Yip portico and every Jersey Street dumpster.

Dr. Penelope Varnish, Aerosol Graphologist at the University of Manchester, sees the tags as "urban Tourettes; not so much territorial pissing as incontinent spraying."

"These are the hieroglyphs of an absentee father, the cry for help of a boy who wasn't listened to, the cultural footprint of someone with no matching socks..."

"Tagging used to get mad respect," says 'Andy or Bob'. "Now I mostly do it for the aerosols.”

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Voldemort Accidentally Added to Hogwarts WhatsApp Group

HIGHLANDS – Furore has erupted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry after it emerged that controversial alumnus Lord Voldemort was accidentally added to a Department Heads group chat.

The cybergaffe became apparent when Professor McGonagall commented "these new broomstick parking policies are straight from the mind of You-Know-Who.”

Moments later, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named reacted: 👍

"I thought the messages would just vanish," said Professor Sprout. "Like in real life."

Screenshots seen by The Daily Prophet show that the Dark Lord read confidential discussions on subjects including:

• Professor Trelawney's 3am sherry ramblings
• Firenze's visible "tenting" during assembly
• Hagrid's use of suggestive emoji and "dancing house-elf GIFs"
• Bathsheba Babbling's over-long voice notes

The incident has raised questions about the venerable institution's cybersecurity. "This is what happens when you put your data in the hands of a muggle billionaire troll," moaned Severus Snape. "Not a literal troll."

"We should never have allowed phones," he added. "You can't hack an owl. And yes, I've tried."

A Hogwarts spokescreature highlighted they have since added “full wand-to-wand encryption" and blamed the error on an "administrative gremlin".

The gremlin has since taken voluntary redundancy.

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Mickey Rourke Cast As Bone-headed Dinosaur

CALIFORNIA – Universal Pictures has announced that Celebrity Big Brother-ejectee Mickey Rourke is to join the cast of Jurassic Park 8.

He will play “a pachycephalosaurus with a 10-inch thick skull and a troubled past.”

The film – working title Jurassic World: Crater Time! – will see Rourke’s character monologue about “real men” and 1980s cocaine, interspersed with brutal dino-v-dino boxing matches.

“He didn’t audition. He just felt cornered and charged the producers,” says director Colin Trevorrow. "But he's a natural for mocap – he already moves like a dying lizard."

A studio spokesperson defended the casting: “The movie's literally about bringing extinct monsters back from the dead and into conflict with modern society… Are you not paying attention?”

Other headlines:

• Bank Of England announces fiscal policy of "Hoping shit settles down for like one week, damn…"
• Right-wing politician hospitalised after taking clear policy stance
• Reed recruitment survey reveals 58% of British jobs are "Marketing or HR"
• Rory McIlroy completes career Grand Slam, unlocks "New Game Plus" with bonus ill-fitting "Green Variant" costume

Got back issues? So do we!