No Country for Young Men
A satirical look at the current debate in Ireland over women's bodily autonomy - if positions were reversed.
Council meeting transcript for the Irish Council for Reproductive Rights. July 16th, 2016
(Note to non irish people - TD means Government minister)
Chairwoman: Brige Mac Giontaigh TD
TD Brige Mac Giontaigh: Well hello everyone. Welcome back to (pause) this again.
- ps. I am taking the minutes today because Caoimhe is off sick and I haven't ever done it before, so sorry if they are a bit shite. Oh and Brige rolled her eyes during the pause. A lot. - Brian
Other TDs: (mild laughter) Hello, etc
Unidentifiable female voice: Sure it wouldn't be Summer without the lads getting their boxers in a bunch, now would it?
Other TDs: (more laughter, a catcall)
TD Brige Mac Giontaigh: Now ladies, settle down will ye. We have to behave this time because, as you all know, we have a new member of the committee. Everyone knows Cormac? He has been told to join us for reasons of 'equality'
Unidentified female voice: Boooooo
TD Cormac Doyle: (pause) actually, I asked to join this committee myself.
- Cormac is about thirty years younger than everyone in this room except me. And he's the only other man. He looks like he's about to be eaten alive - Brian
TD Clare Bannon: Did you not make the GAA team, Cormac? I bet you'd look fine in those shorts. Why do you want to be cooped up here in that stuffy shirt...
TD Cormac Doyle: I just feel that there should be a male voice on the committee, since it has to do with our -
TD Maeve Laffaerty: oh you FEEL do you? You FEEL. Jaysus we'll get nothing done with a man in here letting his feelings get in the way of government
TD Cormac Doyle: With all due respect, that's very offensive
- you go, Cormac! - Brian
TD Maeve Laffaerty: It's just science. Women are better leaders. Read a book.
TD Brige Mac Giontaigh: Order! We've loads to get through shur and haven't we no time. Cormac you're very welcome, and you're looking only gorgeous in your suit today. Your mammy would be proud. Now let's try not to get bogged down and we can all be out of here before the Angelus
Other TDs: (murmurs of assent)
TD Brige Mac Giontaigh: First order of business. The upcoming referendum. Male reproductive practises, the rights accorded to them and their consequences in a modern Ireland.
TD Emma Kilty: Modern Ireland is shite. Bring back the sixties when men had to work til 8 and they cared how they looked in slacks
TD Cormac Doyle: May I say a few words, please? Before we go on?
Unidentifiable female voice: (groans loudly)
- I have a feeling it's the same person making noise each time but I can't see her. Sorry - Brian
TD Brige Mac Giontaigh: Go on, Cormac. No sermons though, alright? (She laughs)
Other TDS: (laugh)
TD Cormac Doyle: Well of course. Religion has no place in this room anyway, right?
There is a silence that lasts ten seconds
- it feels like an hour - Brian
TD Cormac Doyle: I just want to say, to make clear, that I am here because as a gender my rights are the ones affected. And I cannot speak strongly enough about the fact that these laws, these archaic laws that were put in place by a religiously zealous government in a different time, they are affecting me and my friends and family, my brothers, on a daily basis. We can make a change today that will affect irish men - and by extension irish society as a whole - for the better. I hope you will join me in making that change a reality. Thank you
TD Orlaith Walsh: I thought we said no sermons
TD Tracey Mc Grath: Sure did you carve that soapbox yerself did ye? Cause I've a shelf that needs fixing in the parlour.
TD Brige Mac Giontaigh: Ah now. Ladies, please. A bit of respect. This is why we allowed Cormac to join us.
TD Cormac Doyle: ...allowed?
TD Brige Mac Giontaigh: Ireland is a land of passionate people. Even if they don't *always* know what's best for them. Isn't that right, Cormac?
TD Cormac Doyle: Eh...
TD Brige Mac Giontaigh: So, to our first item. Male reproductive practises. As outlined in the constitution, the - no laughing now - penis is a reproductive tool and as such should not be used for any activities by oneself or with anyone for non reproductive purposes because, as life begins at the creation of sperm in the testes, any masturbatory emissions are tantamount to murder. Well I think we can all agree that that's all grand.
TD Cormac Doyle: Em...
TD Maeve Laffaerty: oh here we go..
TD Cormac Doyle: I have to interject, respectfully, and say that no, that's not fair or correct. Little boys all over Ireland are afraid to touch their willy to have a pee let alone anything else. We've all grown up terrified of our bodies and what might happen if we do anything wrong. It's psychologically damaging. And those Catholic chastity baskets you make kids wear? They ruin lives!
TD Orlaith Walsh: Well if it's so damaging, why are we only hearing about it now?
TD Cormac Doyle: Because we've been saying it for years but nobody would listen to us. We aren't on the committee!
TD Orlaith Walsh: Well it seems to me, and I think I speak for everyone here, that the most important thing men are put on this Earth to do is provide sperm for procreation. That's what God made ye for. If ye had the run of yer own bodies, and could do whatever Godawful notions come to mind, you might have committed mass murder by the age of 13! Never mind the fact that you might never even get around to being with women at all if ye had free reign and then where would we be? Extinct! That's where!
TD Margaret Long: And ye'd turn quare
TDs: (yells of agreement)
Unidentifiable female voice: It's a well known fact that if you gave men a chance to be quare, they'd choose it
TDs: (more yells)
TD Cormac Doyle: Are you... You can't be serious? As if we'd all turn gay just because we can. And this isn't about gays, this is about my right to do what I want with my own penis, without state interference. There are so many men AND women who don't believe in the right to life for sperm.
TD Brige Mac Giontaigh: I think we can all agree that we are not implying that you're gay, Cormac. Settle down.
Unidentifiable voice: It's male hysteria!
Second unidentifiable voice: Next he'll be chanting 'Get those locks off of our cocks!' Like those eejits outside the Dáil
TD Cormac Doyle: I don't care! That's not my point in the slightest! And I'm not being hysterical!
TD Brige Mac Giontaigh: Nobody's saying you're hysterical, Cormac. Relax the cacks. But it's a slippery slope isn't it. We allow one kind of touching, we change the goalposts then suddenly all sorts of shenanigans ensue. We can't just open the floodgates now can we? Do we want to be remembered as *that* government?
TDs: (murmurs of assent)
TD Cormac Doyle: You're on the wrong side of history
TD Maeve Laffaerty: You ARE hysterical Cormac. Calm down, will you? This is why we don't have men on the panel. They're grand for the ride but Jaysus the rest of the time...
- my typing has become so illegible with shaking hands at this stage I'm mostly doing this from memory - Brian
TDs: (murmurs of agreement)
TD Cormac Doyle: I think Irish men have grown up damaged by years of oppression under this hateful law. I think it's time to give us back control of our own.
TD Sheila Crawford: Isn't it just terrible how he doesn't think we know what we're doing, that's very disrespectful altogether
TD Cormac Doyle: I'm sitting right here, you could talk TO me instead of -
TD Sheila Crawford: I don't want to be sexist but I don't think this is a 'men's issue'.
TD Cormac Doyle: What?
- what???? - Brian
TD Sheila Crawford: Don't get me wrong, I love men. My husband and I have been married for thirty years so in fairness I'm clearly not a man hater or anything but to be honest, everything that men do with their lad that comes between women, the unfertilised sperm and women's god given right to have babies is really our issue. Men are too close to it to have a clear view. Far too emotionally invested.
TD Cormac Doyle: well of COURSE we're close to it? It's OUR BODIES
- Cormac is yelling and I'm glad because otherwise I'd be yelling - Brian
TD Brige Mac Giontaigh: Order! Order. Cormac please be seated. Mrs Crawford, your views are not controversial insofar as I'm sure many of us agree with you but let's please show some respect. The issue here is legacy.
TD Cormac Doyle: why is it I'm Cormac but she's Mrs Crawford? And can I just ask... and I am sorry for how this will sound... But can anyone here even have children any more?
TDS: (uproar)
TD Cormac Doyle: I have a point!
TD Brige Mac Giontaigh: Ladies! Please! Let's hear the reason for Cormac's... entirely unreasonable.... question.
TD Cormac Doyle: My point is... You are all at an age where you can't have kids any more. So it's moot for you... But do you still have sex? Every time you do that you're killing a million little lives exactly the way we are saying men shouldn't by themselves.
TD Brige Mac Giontaigh: I find the implication that you want to know about a government woman's sex life offensive. The nerve!
TD Cormac Doyle: The nerve is right! But I'm being forced to live my life in a way that damages me and will continue to do so for the rest of mine and my son and his son's lives... All because of your unwillingness to accept that you have no right to control this part of our lives. And it doesn't even affect you!
TD Brige Mac Giontaigh: it's offensive to bring up a lady's age, Cormac. Shame on you. Your mother would be mortified.
TD Cormac Doyle: My mother told me I could do what I wanted with my willy. She was progressive
TD Maeve Laffaerty: Was she a Protestant by any chance?
TD Cormac Doyle: What's that got to do with anything?
TD Maeve Laffaerty: Knew it
TD Cormac Doyle: You're a bigot. How did you even get on this panel?
TD Maeve Laffaerty: I slept with your Da
- at this point the room descends into madness and I decide I'd rather be outside where I can breathe. This referendum can't come fast enough - Brian
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By Muhammad Hassan5 days ago in The Swamp
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