Minions Taxed at Border, Go Absolutely Bananas
Peter Navarro's case of Yellow Fever results in Minions Getting Shafted
The cost of The Minions to enter America has gone up 100%.
“They took our jobs! They took our box office dollars! Now they must pay!” declared JD Vance, who has long accused Minions of “undermining American values” by being funny without speaking English.
"The Minions must learn to speak America's national language, English." - JD Vance
The Minions, many of whom have lived in the U.S. since the first Despicable Me (2010), were reportedly stunned by the sudden hostility from the Trump administration.
At JFK International on Thursday afternoon, 19 Minions arrived on an Air France flight.
“Go back to where you came from!” barked CBP Officer Chet Johnson, as the group refused to stand in single file and wailed in their incomprehensible tongue, waving tiny passports stamped “Banana Republic.” A French counselor officer quickly made it clear that the Minions were carrying valid travel documentation for entertainers born in a Paris animation studio.
Further turmoil arose when a Minion named Bob, sporting his signature two hair mohawk, was asked if he had enough cash to pay for Trump's new “Golden Visa”.
Bob, visibly distressed, dropped his bib overalls and - deposited a glistening yellow turd on the immigration counter.
“That's their currency, apparently,” sighed the agent, donning hazmat gloves. “Half digested bananas. I don't get paid enough for this job.”
An overweight ICE agent (who says he's the embodiment of Pete Hegseth's “warrior spirit”) escorted the pack of yellow poop ploppers away in an electric golf cart.
The minions busied themselves with pushing his buttons. This caused the electric vehicle to careen catastrophically through a glass barrier and into Japan Airline's luxury lounge, where Peter Navarro was sitting.
Peter Navarro quickly claimed he was in the JAL lounge by accident, despite presenting a JAL Loyalty Card to a waiter serving sashimi.
The Minions, encountering the source of their immigration troubles, began giggling uncontrollably. In an “All Is Lost” plot point, the Minions were dragged out of the lounge without being able to grab a single piece of fruit from the glistening buffet table.
Languishing in an ICE detention center, the pint-sized, overall-clad creatures, known for their questionable decision-making and obsession with fruit, are now priced out of the American Dream. God-fearing red-state families with young children are now left facing a grim future of Snow White (2025) marathons.
Culture war experts warn that American-made films, notorious for their liberal leanings, could dominate the box office.
“Hollywood's pushing woke agendas like 'be kind' and 'don't steal historical artifacts,'” said Dr. Chuck Patrick, a cinema historian at Tulsa University. “Minion movies, made in some offshore banana utopia, just give you chaos and explosions. That's what real Americans want!”
Hollywood Hypocrisy Exposed
Critics point out that films made in America (Barbie, The Marvels) are far more liberal than overseas productions (Minions: Rise of Gru was filmed in the criminal paradise of France).
“The Minions are simple, hardworking, and obedient,” argued conservative pundit Ben Slapiro. “They don't unionize, they don't complain, and they literally work for a super villain. That's the American dream!”
What's Next?
As the Minion crisis deepens, the White House has proposed a compromise: Any Minion who can recite the Pledge of Allegiance (in Minionese) will be granted citizenship. So far, none have succeeded - though several have set fire to paperwork while yelling “BANANA!”
The Minions, undeterred, have taken to smuggling themselves in shipping crates from Mexico. “We caught one hiding in a piñata,” said an anonymous US Customs agent. “When the piñata just kept yelling 'Bello!'”
Final Thought: For those who don't think the Minions are funny, with the UK trade deal now signed, consider that America may outsource its comic relief to the Teletubbies — and no one is ready for that sort of invasion.
Disclaimer: This is a satirical article inspired by the absurdity of America's new border policies. No Minions were actually taxed, and their poop is not a recognized currency .
About the Creator
Scott Christenson🌴
Born and raised in Milwaukee WI, living in Hong Kong. Hoping to share some of my experiences w short story & non-fiction writing. Have a few shortlisted on Reedsy:
https://blog.reedsy.com/creative-writing-prompts/author/scott-christenson/
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By Dumping Tonnes of Sand Into the Ocean for 12 Years, China Has Created Brand-New Islands From Scratch
Over the past twelve years, China has quietly carried out one of the most ambitious and controversial engineering projects in modern history: the creation of entirely new islands by dumping millions of tonnes of sand into the ocean. What began as small-scale land reclamation has evolved into a sweeping transformation of the South China Sea, reshaping geography, geopolitics, and international relations. How Artificial Islands Are Created The process behind these artificial islands is deceptively simple but technically complex. Specialized dredging ships extract sand from the seabed and pump it onto shallow reefs and submerged rocks. Over time, layer upon layer of sand is deposited, gradually rising above sea level. Once land emerges, it is reinforced with concrete, rock barriers, and infrastructure to prevent erosion. China has used this method extensively, particularly on disputed reefs and shoals. What were once barely visible features at low tide have become full-fledged islands, complete with runways, ports, radar systems, and buildings. Why the South China Sea Matters The South China Sea is one of the world’s most strategically important waterways. An estimated one-third of global maritime trade passes through it each year, carrying trillions of dollars’ worth of goods. The region is also believed to hold vast reserves of oil, natural gas, and rich fishing grounds. Multiple countries — including Vietnam, the Philippines, Malaysia, Brunei, and Taiwan — claim parts of the sea. China, however, asserts sweeping sovereignty over most of it, marked by its controversial “nine-dash line.” The creation of artificial islands has strengthened China’s physical presence and reinforced its territorial claims. From Sandbars to Strategic Strongholds What makes China’s island-building campaign particularly significant is how quickly reclaimed land has been militarized. Satellite imagery and independent analyses show airstrips long enough to handle military aircraft, deep-water harbors capable of hosting naval vessels, and advanced surveillance systems. These installations allow China to project power far beyond its mainland coast, extending its reach across Southeast Asia. Critics argue that these islands act as unsinkable aircraft carriers, altering the balance of power in the region. Environmental Consequences Beneath the Surface While the geopolitical implications are widely debated, the environmental cost is equally alarming. The dredging process destroys coral reefs, which are among the most biodiverse ecosystems on the planet. Sediment clouds generated during sand dumping smother marine life, disrupt fish breeding grounds, and permanently alter underwater landscapes. Marine scientists warn that damage to coral reefs can take decades — if it recovers at all. For coastal communities that rely on fishing, these changes threaten livelihoods and food security. International Law and Global Pushback China’s actions have drawn sharp criticism from the international community. In 2016, an international tribunal ruled that China’s expansive claims in the South China Sea had no legal basis under international law. The ruling also stated that artificial islands do not generate territorial waters or exclusive economic zones. China rejected the decision, calling it invalid and continuing its construction activities. Meanwhile, other nations have responded with diplomatic protests and increased naval patrols, including freedom-of-navigation operations by the United States and its allies. A New Kind of Territorial Expansion Historically, empires expanded by conquering land. China’s island-building represents a new model: creating territory where none existed before. This approach blurs the line between engineering achievement and strategic maneuvering, raising difficult questions about how international law should adapt to technological capabilities. If artificial islands become widely accepted as legitimate territory, it could set a precedent for other nations to reshape oceans for strategic advantage. The Broader Global Implications Beyond Asia, China’s actions have sparked global debate about maritime governance, environmental responsibility, and the future of territorial disputes. Smaller nations fear being sidelined, while major powers worry about the erosion of established international norms. At the same time, the sheer scale of the project highlights China’s engineering capacity and long-term planning. Turning submerged reefs into permanent landmass within just over a decade is a feat few countries could replicate. Conclusion: Engineering the Future of Power By dumping tonnes of sand into the ocean for over a decade, China has not merely created islands — it has reshaped the strategic landscape of an entire region. These artificial islands stand as symbols of ambition, controversy, and a shifting world order. As technology continues to expand what is physically possible, the challenge for the global community will be ensuring that innovation does not come at the cost of environmental destruction, regional stability, and international law. The islands may be made of sand, but their impact is anything but fragile.
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"Hear Me Out"
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Comments (1)
Noooo, not the Teletubbies!!!