How to be A Ventriloquist’s Mouthpiece for War-Mongering Propaganda.
(In five easy steps!)
Because having absolutely no idea what you're talking about has never stopped you before. Why start now?
STEP ONE: ANNOUNCE YOUR EXPERTISE
• Begin with the essential: “As someone who studied international law or physics or whatever you think makes you sound most profound…”
• Double down. Highlight your ‘analytical brain’. Post AI definition of said word ‘Analytical’. Completely discount that anyone else in the history of anyone could also possesses the ability to analyse. Reitierate to yourself that you are the only one that knows anything. About anything.
• Post highly analytical opinion on Facebook, or some other such renowned, much revered platform for global policy experts. Don’t forget to include the definition of your self-proclaimed ‘analytical brain’. Use AI for that one. Makes you look knowledgeable, technologically savvy and well...Analytical A.F.
• Absolutely make sure that everyone knows you’re nuanced and measured. Out of all the PHDs, field researchers, and actual lawyers, you are the fount of truth. They should trust you. With your analytical brain and your ‘research’ and your study of _________.
• Ignore that your “balance” sounds suspiciously like complicity and utter bullshit. Not important. The only thing that matters is being seen to be in the know. Be seen. Share. Say anything you want. Forget facts. Forget Evidence. No one needs that. Your research is paramount.
STEP TWO: WEAPONISE HISTORY (POORLY)
• Drop lines like: “It’s an ancient conflict. Or: “This has been building since the '90s.” They give you validity. Double down. You know shit they don't. OBVS.
• Pretend—or don’t even know from your ‘research’ that borders and treaties exist, unless, of course they support your argument. Regurgitate those. Add a little spin. Obviously. Double down again.
• Ignore colonisation, coups, sanctions, and actual legal precedent. Conveniently forget what happened in Iraq and the nuke hunt debacle of the no nuke variety. Double. Double. Down. Repeat. Stalk anyone who dares to question your superior knowledge. Find them and make snide comments. They have to understand that you are all-pervasive. Omniscient in your presence and opinion.
STEP THREE: ACCUSE ANYONE WHO CARES OF BIAS OR BEING DUMB.
• If someone shares footage of a bombed-out hospital, call them emotional. Say they’re spreading propaganda. Outright challenge them. It didn’t happen. Demand neutrality—as children are pulled from rubble.
• Both sides genocide. Because children deserve it, right? Tuck yourself in. You were neutral. Go you. Congratulate yourself. Bemoan the dissenters. Call yourself a victim of bullying. Or harassment. Or any other such woa is me nonsense to make sure everyone knows you’ve been singled out for your expert opinion.
STEP FOUR: SPRINKLE IN MISINFORMATION
“Iran has nukes.”
“Palestine was made up.”
“Actually, it’s self-defence.”
“Oh, and Sandy Hook didn’t happen.”
• Always remember facts are optional when you’re winning likes through wilful ignorance.
• You know your gut. Don’t trust anyone else. Not the IAEA. Not the UN. Not anyone who’s ever stepped foot in a war zone. Least of all ANYONE who ever had to tried to live through the extermination of their people. A genocide. Keep at it. You know best. Repeat to self. Triple down.
STEP FIVE: PRAY
• No-one listening? Not getting the attention and back-slapping you know you deserve? Revert to type.
• Backtrack. That’s all we can do, right?
Pray to God. Your god. The right god.
Then ask Jesus—
The only white guy in the village… in the Middle East.
Ask him. He knows.
Right?
PRAY.
Meh genocide isn’t your aesthetic anyway.
✨CONGRATULATIONS!✨
You’re now an unpaid parrot for war-mongering Propaganda ™. Go you!
Proudly upholding empire and brutality with every passive post and vibes-based share.
Sleep easy—empires need influencers too.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tired of Self-Proclaimed experts regurgitating fake news…?
Here’s where to actually look—people who actually know what the fuck they’re talking about. If you can be arsed, OBVS. (NB. That’s not your Facebook ‘friend,’ your mother, or us. And it certainly is not your yoga teacher. Or your crypto bro. Or the guy on Twitter with a flag in his username and a podcast in his basement.)
INTERNATIONAL AGENCIES
• IAEA official statements (2023–2025)
https://www.iaea.org/newscenter/statements
Grossi: “We do not have at this point any tangible proof of a nuclear-weapons program.”
• IAEA Iran Country Reports
https://www.iaea.org/newscenter/focus/iran
U.S. GOVERNMENT INTELLIGENCE / REPORTS
• Director of National Intelligence (DNI) Annual Threat Assessment
https://www.dni.gov/index.php/what-we-do/what-we-do-2023
(Look under “Weapons of Mass Destruction” → Iran)
• U.S. Senate Intelligence Hearings (June 2025 quote from Mark Warner)
https://www.intelligence.senate.gov/
• 2007 National Intelligence Estimate (NIE) – key moment
https://www.dni.gov/files/documents/Newsroom/Reports%20and%20Pubs/20071203_release.pdf
“We judge with high confidence that in fall 2003, Tehran halted its nuclear weapons program.”
RESEARCH INSTITUTES & THINK TANKS
• Institute for Science and International Security (ISIS)
Frequently updated analysis of Iran’s nuclear capabilities.
• Arms Control Association
https://www.armscontrol.org/country/iran
Detailed timeline, policy updates, and inspection results.
• Brookings Institution – Iran Policy
https://www.brookings.edu/topic/iran/
Actual New Coverage (Not the registered entertainment channel, FOX )
• Al Jazeera: “IAEA: No evidence Iran is building a nuclear weapon”
• The Guardian: “US intelligence: Iran not pursuing nuclear weapons”
https://www.theguardian.com/world/iran
• Financial Times: "Iran’s Nuclear Program – What We Actually Know"
• Reuters: "Western Intel Says Iran Not Building Nuclear Weapon"
https://www.reuters.com/world/middle-east
• PBS NewsHour: “What U.S. Intelligence Really Says About Iran’s Capabilities”
• Le Monde (French): Enrichment ≠ Weapon
RELIGIOUS LEGAL SOURCES
• Khamenei’s 2003 Fatwa Against Nuclear Weapons (various confirmations)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ayatollah_Khamenei%27s_fatwa_against_nuclear_weapons
• Statements submitted to the IAEA (2005)
Usually referenced in diplomatic reports – also echoed in academic papers (e.g. JSTOR)
About the Creator
River and Celia in Underland
Mad-hap shenanigans, scrawlings, art and stuff ;)
Poetry Collection, Is this All We Get?
Keep reading
More stories from River and Celia in Underland and writers in The Swamp and other communities.
Poe 'Vices
Introducing Poe ‘Vices: Life Advice You Definitely Didn’t Ask For or Need. From chaos gremlin to cosmic counsellor, Poe (The infinite, scream-Beam) is now solving your deepest problems with her signature style: shouting, biting things, and chicken, obvs. Fools.
By River and Celia in Underland 7 months ago in The Swamp
Trump Administration Ends Temporary Protected Status for Somalis in the US
The Trump administration has officially ended Temporary Protected Status (TPS) for Somali nationals living in the United States, a move that could place tens of thousands of people at risk of deportation. The decision has sent shockwaves through Somali-American communities and sparked strong reactions from lawmakers, human rights organizations, and immigration advocates. At the heart of the controversy lies a fundamental question: is Somalia safe enough for its citizens to return after decades of conflict and instability?
By Aarif Lashari2 days ago in The Swamp
Comments (4)
The satire was brilliant and hilarious! Sadly, this is the truth of what's happening.
It's hard to believe that pretty much every single day of 2025 seems to get just a little bit darker. That's a great list of resources. It's incredible how much misinformation (and downright lies) are being spread. I think I say this each time, but bloody hell I mean it - really hoping for lighter days ahead. This was excellent by the way.
Thank you so much for writing this. Every word needed to be said. The sarcasm is brilliant! I don't think they (current US administration) know how dangerous a game they are playing. I pray myself for the future and the future of new generations.
This is an amazing list of resources. Also: River was correct: intense. I will share this on Threads, too