You Are Better Than You Think

Whether you are patient or not, and irrespective as to how well you handle criticism from others, whether constructive or otherwise; in the line of acceptance or defensiveness when it comes to the latter; deep down, many of us are our own harsh critics. Looking in the mirror is a simple cure to no longer being hard on yourself, yet it (the harmless mirror) is so confronting for many people. Off hand, motivational and healing author (the late Louise Hay) mentions that many people find it difficult to look at themselves in the mirror with compassion and love for a few seconds; yet the wobbliest among us can balance on one leg for longer than that. Many people want to smash that harmless mirror, or throw it away. They do not like what they see.

"Don't be too hard on yourself. There are plenty of people willing to do that for you. Do your best and surrender the rest." - Jacquie Kirby

If we are mean and horrible to our friends; if we judge and scold them - we would run out of friends lighting fast. On the other hand, why do we pick on little imperfections about ourselves? Why are there times when we can be mean and cruel to ourselves? We criticise ourselves? Sure, it is disappointing to fail an exam, and to be passed over for a promotion (just examples here, and add in any other disappointment or setback) - yet everything is only feedback. Everything (even the circumstances and material goods we despise) are available for us to choose or reject.

"There is nothing on earth that blooms all year long. Nature wasn't created to do that." - Anonymous

Words have power, and they have meaning to them. You would not say "I love you" to your potential or actual suitor, unless you truly meant it. "We wear your words" is featured on some advertisements to remind customers that staff at certain retail, hospitality and service outlets are there to do their best to help you; and as human beings, they deserve the same respect that they are giving you with said transaction in return.

Why are we so hard on ourselves sometimes, despite striving for perfection?

Apart from self-criticism during those moments where we miss the mark, despite trying our best; unresolved trauma and other unexpected life setbacks cause an internal dialogue of negative thinking and limiting beliefs in the conscious mind initially. The key is to be aware, so to catch that negative thinking at the onset, before it delves deeper into the unconscious mind. Then it will need a minimum of 30 days effort on your part (according to Neuro Linguistic programming) to constantly think and affirm the opposite - of that which you want to be, and what you do want. For example, take the manifestation of money. Irrespective of your income, and despite whatever the economy and inflation is doing; if your parents kept saying like a parrot that "money does not grow on trees" when stretched financially - either to you directly or just out aloud; guess what is going to happen? Regardless of the number of times you heard your parent/s say that limiting belief over and over unconsciously of course while growing up; that limiting belief is going to etch into your unconscious mind by default. As a by-product of such, you would highly likely beat yourself up for having more month than money at the end of the month. That's right, you are hard on yourself for money slipping through your fingers, due to a careless limiting belief from childhood. Give yourself some grace, even though life wants to throw us some fireballs.

We live in a productivity and KPI oriented society of more, more, more. Of course, we are hard on ourselves if we fall short of our boss' demands and expectations in the workplace, or if we miss the bullseye on our own set standards. There is that striving for perfectionism, which is an illusion. Perfection does not exist. Never has, never will. Try writing with your non-dominant hand. It's difficult isn't it? It is like having the motor skills of an infant. Is a little one hard on itself for falling while learning to walk? Of course not. That little infant just gets up and tries again, no matter how many attempts. No different to Edison's persistence in bringing light for us humans to enjoy, quite literally. If he was hard on himself at any stage of the journey, he would have quit, for better or for worse.

"The aim is not perfection but wholeness." - Jane Fonda

With work, we can blame ourselves if the proverbial s!it hits the fan. For example, you work in IT and the servers are down on a Friday afternoon. You work in sales, and on a certain week no one really wants to buy. Rejection after rejection. Things ebb and flow naturally. That is the game that is called life. We are hard on ourselves for buyers remorse, and we are hard on ourselves when we do something that we ultimately regret. We are hard on ourselves for overspending, and conversely underspending. When we under eat, or over eat. We deserve to cut ourselves some slack. Awareness is based on lived experiences. We all fail at something the first time. Then again, there is no failure, only feedback.

The fight or flight response wires us into threats, and unless we do more to keep our parasympathetic nervous system happy (think yoga and breath-work to name); we will be wired up and stressed. In such states, it is human nature to be hard on ourselves, because we are burning out and spreading thin.

What else can we do to stop being so hard on ourselves?

Apart from slowing down, being present, and engaging in some self care (yin like activities); us humans need to stop comparing ourselves to other people. In the case of (for example) a serious injury like an ankle fracture (speaking from recent experience); it is easy to beat ourselves up over - yet sometimes things happen randomly, and we are just a tad unlucky. These adversities are gifts and blessings in disguise. When it comes to the stage of rehabilitating from such an injury (for example, re-learning to walk again without support); it is easy to compare yourself to other people on a similar timeline - yet every injury (even of the same nature and having the same surgery) is different. Our bodies are different and unique. You may not be able to squat yet, however with rehabilitating, things can change by the day, even by the hour. If we fall short from our own and other people's expectations, we are hard on ourselves. Just because someone you admire received more likes and followers on their social media posts than you have, does not mean anything.

It is a tough world, and every single soul is on a unique journey. What happens to us (regardless of the circumstances we perceive as good or not so good) is meaningless unless we attach a strong meaning to it. Eckhart Tolle in the Power of Now says that right now is not a problem. We are usually hard on ourselves when there is a problem. The circumstance on the back of being so hard on yourself is trivial and perhaps stressful in the moment; yet in the overall scheme of things, it may not matter five minutes, five months or five years down the track. Reframing the situation, as well as having compassion for yourself trumps big time. We are compassionate with animals, yet us humans find it difficult to be compassionate with ourselves. We cannot be compassionate for others, unless we fill up our own self compassion cup, metaphorically speaking of course, but true to form.

Everyone is doing their utmost best, with the resources they have available. If your partner snaps at you upon arriving home in the evening - it is easy to be hard on yourself, and hence judge yourself for not being good enough to sustain a romantic relationship. The truth is that he could have had a rough day at work, or worst, laid off from a job they enjoyed and/or excelled at.

We are good enough. We need to begin believing this again. Some tasks need to be worked at again and again. This is why entrepreneurship and freelancing is so difficult, because business owners need to learn and possess new skills that the traditional system does not really teach. With anything new, it is like handwriting with your left hand, while you normally engage in such an activity with your right hand. It's going to be sticky for a bit. The price of being vulnerable and brave, and sticking to a project that is worthwhile is way more appealing than giving up, on the back of being a bit too hard on yourself. In Kaizen, a 1% daily improvement (which has to be continuous) is actually remarkable.

To end this article, yours truly wishes to add another soundtrack to the topic at hand. On this song, there is no such thing as someone being right, and someone else is wrong. That is all relative. Here it is - Don't Be So Hard On Yourself by Jess Glynne. Let the words and the beat absorb into your psyche: