Yes, No One Will Ever Believe Me: The Only "Bad Child" Among the Pentagons

Yes, all my life has been rebellious, self-thinking, stubborn, unthankful, unforgiving, and anything bad you can think of about bad kids. If you don’t know right about now, I am still regarded as one. To some, I could be seen as someone who aims too high, to some I could be seen as someone trying to put myself in a piece of clothing that is not fit for me. Hey, they see me as someone who is not thankful and appreciative and most time I just sit in a self-absorbed meditative manner and think through my dear life, and I wonder why a family would even backstab someone instead of going straight to what they want.

Am I that bad?

I know I am so bad, and I don’t pretend about it all. I have made so many damn mistakes that I should be spit on, dragged on, beaten stoned to death and flogged thirty-nine strokes instead of forty. Yes, I should have been killed but I am alive… maybe for a reason.

No one will ever believe me and I know that. Even if I shout with my voice so high. Even if I explain why. Even if I tell them that’s not entirely true. Entirely my fault and entirely what I think. Even if with tears I climb the high pillars on my knees to plead. They won’t ever believe me. So I have comforted myself severally without being satisfied because I know when I wake up all they do is stare at me thinking in their hearts how bad, foolish, and nonchalant I am and my one family wish I have held so dear sell me cheaply.

Yes, I am so bad because I tried to protect myself. As a human, I may not be perfect, but things happen and when it does happen. I only see and hear my own bad being spoken about. All my bad deeds. It is not as if I complain but it does hurt because I have nothing to prove. Yes, truly I have nothing to prove.

Yes, we do have issues, and I agree I have faults in it too, but you never speak about how you insinuate things to hear my words and use it on me to blackmail me. Yes, I know I am worse because I found out so early that you are always perfect even when everything seems to turn against you. You turn situations in your favour and you pad things in such a way to favour you. You see everyone as someone you can bend your ways and never think about their own life. You kind of chameleon I have studied for over a long time and at first when I never knew it, I fell constantly at your traps. Well, guess what I needed to do was protect myself. I need to be careful whenever I am with you. I needed to be so far but near. I needed to bridle myself and your nagging, complaints and blame me about your life choices which I know I am partly at fault.

If not for me, you would not have done some things and that’s so true!

Let me tell you, my dear. It is hard to satisfy you, and I am willing to bet on it. I am tired of the constant emotional punishment you have made me pass through. The nights and several nights after drinking, and oh yes, my dear you drink too much, how you will abuse me till you sleep at night. How you will broadcast so many things you have done for me each time you help me, and you still do. So, in tears, I said to my lonely self without help except for my mama that I would try as much not to ask of anything from you but I know it is silly. You have abused me enough. Many times, you called me a witch, and a bad luck who has stopped your progress. You said I am the eye of the devil that is used to monitor you. When you say these hurtful things to me and many several hurtful words and when I retaliate maybe as human it is what I say that is fast-tracked and used as the storyline to our family and everyone who cares to listen. You never say those hurtful things that instigated our fight that I have locked up and endured for months before the outburst but still, I am the bad one which I have come to terms with, and it feels good to know what people truly think of me. How they pray so hard to confirm their assumptions in my life which in most times is the truth. It is good to know that, and I don’t blame anyone for it. It is just my fault and my cross that I am willing to carry.

Maybe I am so proud to see my faults and weaknesses!

It is such a hard time to be alive and I feel so ashamed to be alive. Most of the time I feel why I was given birth, but I know I am not the only one in this. It is just a phase!

Maybe I should have reminded you but why would I? No one will believe and I don’t want to say so many things and still, you will turn them all against me because I know I am a liability. A bloodsucker. A laughingstock. A good fit example for children is about bad stuff and perhaps a mistake too. Oh, yes this is true, but I just have one simple question to ask someone divinely. God!

It has been hard seven years to get to know you and one year of peace in all rounds. The help, the sacrifice, the food, the shelter, the schooling, the time, and everything you have done which I cannot know how far you have gone to make it seem easy. It is hard to honestly say thank you, but we are all humans with our broken weakness hiding the true colour of ourselves in public.

It is hard to be appreciative of the good things you have done that are concealed with betrayal and hate. It is hard to be appreciative but who am I? No one indeed! And I know you won’t still see them all, about what I speak off. My own good parts you won’t see them all…

But for everything…. Thank you in honesty!

Yes, it is very hard… I will say no more… a very bad child🧒… but still thank you!