Wise Witness

It sat there. Watching me. Like it did every night since. I don’t know where it came from or why it won’t leave. But ever since it happened it has not stopped watching.

Three weeks ago I left my job. It was a toxic place. A strange false sense of family. The worst kind of family. I had been planning to leave for the past year but wanted to have a few things in place before taking the plunge. The job had gotten more and more demanding of my time and energy but didn’t look like things were going to get better. Stress had been building and piling up. I was at a breaking point. For the last 7 years I had been in love with a coworker. Someone who was perpetually unavailable but in moments seemed to reciprocate feelings towards me. I was confused and lonely.

6 years ago:

He came up to me in the elevator lobby. He always looks so happy to see me. It tears me apart. You see, he’s married and I desperately want to be with him. We kissed; it was a brief tender kiss, but it was magical. We both knew it was wrong, but it was right. Holding his hand I can feel the burn of his wedding band on my fingertips; a harsh reminder that he isn’t mine. He seems nervous around me now. He smells so good. I just want to take him in. His scent lingered on my scarf for a few days after our moment. It doesn’t smell like him anymore.

He asked me to go home with him. I said no.

5 years ago:

We had an office party and we all brought something to share with the company members. A pot luck, if you will. Everyone’s eating. Glutinous, slobbering, sloppy. I can’t stand the sight of them. Touching and dipping and biting flaky crackers over the whole table. Then grabbing more before sitting down to eat and talk simultaneously.

With every handful the food crumbled in their sweaty palms. Crumbs fell on to their bellies and down on to the spot where their ankles crossed beneath them. I wondered if they would reach down and eat that too. They wiped their mouths as if it really mattered with the way they were eating.

One man always makes himself a red drink that has a swirling red cherry in it. He asks strange questions and makes people uncomfortable. And the laugh; I don't want to forget the laugh.

4 years ago:

She had been out with bronchitis for almost a month at this point. Chronic bronchitis. She’d always get it a few times a year. Disgusting. Although that's not my issue with her. My issue is that she isn’t a person of conviction. Always falling for the subtly racist rhetoric of a client and adjusting her intentions according to them instead of standing up for what’s right. I used an image of an interracial couple for some “lifestyle” images and was told to remove the image in the upper left corner. It being that image. I disregarded her at first, ignoring her racism. She repeated herself and raised her voice through her congestion. “REMOVE THAT PICTURE OF THE BLACK MAN AND THE WHITE WOMAN”. I decided it wasn’t the right time and deleted the image.

3 years ago:

I started showing up late. Anxiety, depression and ADHD taking over the little bit of control I had. Nobody understood or empathized. I tried to explain myself. Fear keeps my punctuality a problem. When the yearly review comes around it’s my only issue. Otherwise I’m a great employee. I go above and beyond. I take my projects seriously I deliver on time and make up what my punctuality lacks in extra hours after work.

2 years ago:

The man love quit and moved in with an older woman. I hate her and him. He’s not married anymore. He still insists we make regular plans to see each other. Dinner dates etc. I have dinner or drinks with him at least three times a month and when he sees me he always tells me how good I look. I believe him. He once told me “I could never forget how beautiful you are”. When those words started coming out he’d usually start to gather his things to go home as if expressing himself to me was too much to bear. It’s more of a burden to me than he could ever realize.

1 year ago:

I’m at my wits end with these people. We’re all smart college educated people yet I feel like I’m the only one awake. No one wants change or improvement. They just want the hardest working employees for the lowest price.

6 months ago:

I tell my supervisor about my anxiety again and how it impacts my life. She says “you know, it’s not just work that causes that”. I look into her dead soulless eyes with disgust and shame. How dare you tell me how I’m supposed to feel and where my issues should or shouldn’t be coming from. I’m giving you the courtesy of filling you in.

3 months ago:

I’ve start clearing my desk because I know I’m getting close. I don’t want to have to deal with the physical stuff from this place after it is over.

2 months ago:

I start preparing for my next steps. Organizing and planning. I don’t want to leave any loose ends.

1 month ago:

Another office party… celebrating “30 YEARS!” I’m watching them eat. It’s the eating and continuous eating that makes me cringe with disgust for these people. Mounds of brown food masticating in their gaping orifices. The smack of their lips and cheeks moving it around. I pour them drinks. Today's the day. They drink; I’m free.

One by one they start coughing. I watch with horror and fascination. Food, foam and bile start sputtering out of their greedy mouths. I realize I haven’t felt real emotions in 7 years. I feel. I feel… happy.

I have my monthly dinner on the 17th with my love. He was easy. Because as much of a hold as he had on me, I had on him. I closed my eyes.

Today:

I just woke up. My eyes are blurry and dry. There’s a steady beep in the distance and the faint smell of skin and industrial cleaner. Fuck. I’m in the hospital. This is not what I wanted. This is not what was supposed to happen. I was trying to Romeo and Juliet our shit. I guess I kind of did. A nurse walks in and I ask about him. She replies “who, honey?” I cry.

When I close my eyes I see it for the first time. This owl, this barn owl, this haunting creature of clarity. These eyes are there like they’ve been watching me the whole time. Witnessing my decent. My silent wise witness.

I am reborn. Given a second chance. I understand now and my silent witness is my guide. It’s with me every day, showing me, guiding my transformation, changing my perspective and evolving with me.

My owl of death and transformation and new beginnings. Those eyes, they’ll never stop watching.