Why Willpower Won’t Work When Trying to Stop Drinking

Willpower is a wimp. A wuss. A weakling.

And a liar.

Do NOT believe the lie that you can quit anytime you want. And on your own.

Or instead, try it. And when it fails, try it again.

Maybe then you’ll be ready to open your mind to these three other possibilities.

Change your environment. Change your life.

Humans work like plants. We adapt to our environment in order to survive. Remember Darwin and natural selection? In order to fit into the environment in which we live, we change. Our environment determines, in large part, who and how we are in the world.

This is true on the physical level.

If I have a bottle of wine in my house, it calls to me: “Kay. Oh Kay Kay. I’m over here.”

If I have to look at bottles of booze, booze is on my mind. If there isn’t any booze, it’s easier to not think about it.

We make 30,000–35,000 decisions every single day. From deciding whether to squeeze the toothpaste from the middle or roll it up from the bottom to deciding what to have for dinner, we are the decider.

And our deciders get tired.

And tired deciders make worse decisions.

If I have booze in my environment (think house, where I work, car, etc.), and I’ve made 29,539 decisions, I’m not gonna make a great call on whether or not to drink.

It’s simply easier to pick up.

Similarly, we humans adapt to the social network we operate in. Research shows that if the people we spend the most time with are obese, we are far more likely to be overweight or obese ourselves. The same is true of smoking. And of drinking.

This phenomenon is called Structural Coupling. In the same way that living things adapt to survive in their physical environments, we humans adapt to fit into our social environments.

If the people you spend time with drink heavily, and you’re committed to not drinking, you’ll have an easier time if you hang out with different friends.

2. Ask for help. It actually isn’t weak. (Society lies about this.)

My parents extolled the virtue of being well-rounded.

Despite that, I’ve turned out to be quite lopsided.

While I’m masterful at having ideas, I’m horrible at anything that requires a lot of details or follow through.

You do NOT want me handling financial matters. Or reading instructions. (Instructions? What are those things for?)

Fortunately, there are people who are masterful at the things I suck at.

We are made this way. No-one is supposed to be entirely self-sufficient.

I don’t know how to heat a home. Or create the computer that I’m writing on. Or make the fabric — let alone the clothing — I’m wearing.

Is it weak to ask others to do THOSE things for me?

In the same way, asking for help from people who are alcohol-free and living pretty happily is simply an exchange of helpful information.

It is not a freaking moral failing that your body responds differently to alcohol than other people’s bodies do. This is another lie that society has told us.

When confronted with alcohol (usually wine or champagne), I felt like Sleeping Beauty under a spell that drew her inexorably towards touching the spindle on the spinning wheel. It takes an outside voice to break that spell.

Here are some places to ask for help:

Check out the subreddit:Stop Drinking.

Holly Whitaker’s Tempest Sobriety School is an alternative

Visit an online AA meeting.

3. Substitute something for nothing.

Dostoevsky wrote: “Pose for yourself this task: not to think of a polar bear, and you will see that the cursed thing will come to mind every minute.”

In the same way, trying not to drink will become the very thing you think about all day long. (And remember decision fatigue? That’s not a good thing.)

One of the cool experiences of being human is being aware of our own thoughts. Our ability to disengage from our “thinkers” and be aware of what we’re paying attention to.

You have the power to decide to substitute a different thought for your thoughts about drinking. It’s like driving a car. You shift out of drive into neutral awareness. Then you shift into reverse and think about something else.

One tip: decide what you are going to redirect your thoughts to BEFORE you get enmeshed in thinking about drinking.

You might substitute thoughts about the Netflix series you’re watching. Seeing your nieces and nephews. A ski vacation you’d like to take. Or how about noticing in exquisite detail the sensations you are experiencing right now. The pressure of the chair against the back of your legs. The temperature of the room you’re in. The quality of the light.

It’s like distracting a toddler with a cookie when he’s heading towards an electrical outlet with a fork in hand. Or giving your dog treats when walking past a dog she usually barks at.

You CAN tame your mind.

Do not rely on willpower, my friends. It’s lying to you when it says it’s enough.

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