Why we love people who hurt Us
Understanding the emotional bonds behind toxic attachment
He forgot my birthday, dismissed my feelings, and belittled my dreams—but I stayed. I stayed when he made me feel like I wasn’t enough. I stayed when the silence was louder than his apologies. I stayed through the emotional rollercoaster that left me exhausted and empty. I didn’t stay because I enjoyed the pain. I stayed because something deep inside me confused that pain with love. And I know I’m not alone. Many of us find ourselves emotionally attached to people who damage us the most. It’s not because we’re weak or foolish. It’s because love, when built on broken foundations, doesn’t always feel safe or warm. Sometimes, it feels like anxiety, obsession, and fear—especially if that’s what we grew up believing love looked like. If your childhood taught you that love comes with conditions, that affection is earned, and that being ignored means “try harder,” you carry those lessons into adulthood. That’s how you find yourself clinging to people who make you feel unworthy—because on some subconscious level, that chaos feels familiar. The brain isn’t always logical. It clings to patterns, even when they’re harmful. Every time a toxic partner pulls away and then returns, your brain rewards you with a surge of dopamine—the same chemical responsible for addiction. That emotional high becomes addictive. You chase it, even though it’s hurting you. You begin to romanticize small gestures and ignore harmful behavior. You tell yourself, “They’re just going through something” or “They didn’t mean it.” You find reasons to stay, even when the pain outweighs the joy. This isn’t just about love. It’s about survival. When we fear being alone, we tolerate more than we should. We convince ourselves that a little bit of love is better than none at all. We hold on to potential instead of accepting reality. But here’s the truth: real love doesn’t confuse you. It doesn’t make you anxious or afraid. It doesn’t disappear when you need it most. Real love is consistent, calm, and kind. Breaking free from someone who hurts you is not easy. It takes awareness, courage, and a deep belief that you deserve better. You must recognize the patterns, confront your fears, and set boundaries that protect your peace. You must unlearn the idea that love is earned through pain. Healing means understanding your past, forgiving yourself, and building a new definition of love—one rooted in respect and safety. Letting go might break your heart, but holding on might break your spirit. If you’re in love with someone who continuously hurts you, take a step back and ask yourself: Is this what I want love to feel like? Would I want someone I care about to go through this? The answers might be hard to face, but they will guide you toward freedom. You are not crazy for loving them. You’re human. You wanted connection, comfort, and care. But you don’t have to bleed to feel love. You don’t have to shrink yourself to be chosen. You are worthy of a love that doesn’t hurt. A love that holds you gently, listens deeply, and shows up consistently. To those who are still stuck in the cycle—know this: walking away is not weakness. It is strength. It is the first step toward healing. Sometimes the bravest thing you’ll ever do is leave someone you still love. And that’s okay. Your peace is worth more than temporary affection. Your future is brighter than this pain. And your heart will thank you when it finally beats for someone who doesn't break it. You deserve to be loved in ways that don’t make you doubt your worth. You deserve safety, not survival. And the moment you choose yourself over someone who hurts you, your real healing begins.
By Hanif khan
About the Creator
Hanif Ullah
I love to write. Check me out in the many places where I pop up:
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