Where did the children go?

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I'll be honest with you. This memoir has kind of stalled. It really should have ended on the 6th chapter. This should have been my last sentence:

“I ended up writing a ton of poetry that night after the group session. I was really diving into this inner child theory. If we all have these hurt children inside us, will they get fixed or healed when we do?”

The problem is I realized the answer would be disappointing to my readers and I didn't want to let you all down. I was sexually assaulted between the ages of 5 and 15. It's not something you just “get over”. You never really completely heal. Sorry to tell you that. I lost my entire childhood to this. I was probably threatened to never tell, because I never did, but I don't remember what they said, only that the action were the driving force of my entire life. If I had a dollar for every person who has asked me “Why can't you just move on? Try not to think about it?” I'd be eating steak for a month!

In the beginning I really did think that I would someday be magically be healed. If you did the work for 5+ years that you would suddenly feel whole, not broken. That you wouldn't spend anymore time begrudging your lost childhood. I really thought I would be fixed like magic. That everything broken inside would be fixed when I stopped self blaming. (Which is the hardest part in my opinion to get past) But it doesn't happen that way. There's years of asking questions like “Why did I act so promiscuous once it was over?” “Why didn't I tell anyone?” “Why did I let it happen?” “Did I do something to encourage it?” Therapy for me went in stages just like abuse and recovery does.

Here's how it went:

01-04 years old – pre abuse

05-15 years old – active abuse

16-25 years old – acting out

25-57 years old – forgotten years

01-04 years old – pre abuse - before it began

05-15 years old – active abuse - during the abuse

16-25 years old – acting out - periods when women tend to be highly promiscuous due to trying to claim their sexual power over their bodies

25-57 years old – forgotten years - the years you force it out of your mind and just don't deal with it.

57-63 years old – therapy, healing - while in active therapy

So it doesn't just end. I care a lot about people so there's a part of me who worry about the children of the world having to suffer through the things I went through so I try to educate people in any way I can using my experiences. Testifying (so to speak) as a Survivor of Incest, Sexual Assault, etc.

Basically and in conclusion, there is no happy ending. I'll always be a past victim / current survivor of sexual assault. But what I do with my past experiences is what counts and I guess if there was a happy ending at all it would be when I stopped blaming myself. For the rest of my life I will be a proponent of Sexual Assault Awareness and Response like the extreme backlog of unprocessed Rape Kits. Lack of clear procedures and protocols for dealing with reports of rape, domestic violence, and victim blaming and legal challenges survivors face. Rape and domestic violence, against women especially, is the only crime that's done against a women where she's asked questions like, “What did you do?” “What were you wearing?” It's tragic and I feel very passionate about doing something about it

So that's it, for now.

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Thanks for reading! - Sam