When it's time to let go of trauma

When it’s time it's time. No sadder words have ever been uddered. Letting go of something I love has always been the hardest hurdle in my life to jump over. My loyalty and need to give are both a gift and a prison. Throughout recent events, I’ve been forced to crack open the secrets that lay within me to uncover why I’ve never been able to let go… of letting go.

I feel when you become attached to the idea of something that you truly desire, what you think will bring you fulfillment and wholeness, it can become an obsession. A consuming straight path forward with no room for anything outside of it to live, much less flourish. It’s as if I have blinders on that shut out all the red flags and even the feeling deep within my soul that says this isn't for me anymore. However, how do I let go of what I have set upon an alter and worshiped daily?

I have had many of these things in my life and it always seems that as soon as one ends I quickly grasp for another. It’s as if I have to have something I’m striving for because without it what or who would I be? Simply being myself isn’t enough… or is it?

So what is the root cause of not being able to let go? It’s easy to say it’s the fear of the unknown or the longing to fill a void from childhood abandonment or abuse, but I think it’s something entirely different, although they do play a part.

What if we can’t let go of what doesn’t serve us because we don't know how to accept what is right for us? Coming from a life of trauma the things that feel right or easy not only scare me but the comfortability of it sends me into a tailspin. Throw me on the front lines of a crisis situation and I’ll easily take over and handle it. However, put me on a couch with my children as we laugh and watch a movie, that’s when I explode. The easy things bring me discomfort whereas the chaos brings me peace.

So for me holding on to what hurts me is so much more than being afraid of the unknown. It’s giving up the cross I bare to be tortured upon. And that my friends is simply something I haven’t been willing to do.

How does someone with a life of trauma start to let go of what hurts them and accept what brings them joy and peace? However, cliche it may sound it starts with self-love. Now this concept is downright absurd. How the fuck can I love myself when my whole life I’ve been giving my love to others to validate my own worth or worse to intentionally suffer?

It's a process, step by step, removing your conditioned mind of every belief you have that brings you into that cycle of self-harm. And God I know the confusion and agony of that like the back of my hand. Some days you literally break in half living each second in complete annihilation as you whisper,” It’s time to go, I can’t take this anymore… bang”. Let me assure you though, that there is hope. Maybe not much, only a sliver but non the less it is still there. In your darkest hour grasp onto whatever you can and push through. You will get there. Start slow even crawl if you have to. Just know the life you deserve can be accomplished if you just try to…. Let go.