Understanding the Making of Me

My childhood was rather normal, I was born in mid-December at a country hospital in South Gippsland. Only a few days after my cousin Amelia, who became my first friend.

My Dad was a harness driver who made no money due to the horses not winning all the time and he needed to help his parents as his father was unwell at the time.

Then there is my Mum she was a nurse in training when I was born and was literally born to be a mother which luckily she got to be.

I remember spending a heap of time at my Grandparents farm where I would watch the majestic Horses run into their stables and make daisy chains with my Grandma while watching Grandpa train the horses. My Grandfather used to let me help with the horses like leading them to their stables, helping clean and look after them. Then afterwards we go down to the beach at the river across the road and make sandcastles.

However, he did have his faults like his loud snoring, making my grandmother put his socks and the yelling was deafening.

When my Mum found out she was pregnant again which was three years after I was born she became very stressed and gave my Dad an ultimatum. Which was that he either choose us or choose to work on the farm for his Dad.

Then my brother was born and when he was three days old we moved to Yarrawonga in which my Dads parents have always been somewhat frustrated about.

Luckily enough my parents decided to move to Yarrawonga where my mum got a casual job at the hospital and also some night work as a waitress at the local RSL. While my Dad worked nights as a waiter there too and then opened his book shop.

I was very young when we moved to Yarrawonga I was only three years old and didn’t enjoy living there as I missed the farm.

I recall a time when mum and dad were both at work and my mum's parents cared for me. I dropped a really heavy draw on my foot and my Nan was so calm and good to me. She still is to this day she always would let me sleep at her house and stay up and watch weird movies with her. I feel that she is really the only one in the family that doesn’t get listened to when she has some amazing stories like the one she told me when I was eighteen about how she was at a channel nine party and tried a joint. She came from a loving family and was an only child of a World War 11 veteran and a woman who worked with the refugees. Nan has always been caring for people when she volunteered at Saint Vinnie's for numerous years as well as her volunteering at the Seniors Club. She is smart like her father and very understanding like I imagined he was like as he was a beautiful man towards me. Nan is constantly disrespected by her children and even her grandchildren except she just brushes it off, she is better than me as I can't let things go.

As I got older we travelled to my Dads parents farm where I would play in puddles with Amelia and ring the wind chime with her. We used to have fun together however, she was very sick and had Leukemia. She struggled until she was about four years old when she was told she was finally in remission. A fun fact about her is for her make a wish she asked to met Mark Phillipohis who these days isn’t super popular but then she loved him.

Unfortunately, in November of 1997, there was a car accident on the road to my Dads parents place. Amelia had been killed in the accident from a head injury, just when she was in remission from cancer. Her other siblings and parents were all fine, however, they weren’t mentally.

We went to the hospital, as I entered the hospital Damian who was Amelia's Dad was running out of the hospital and didn’t want to talk to anyone as he would have been blaming himself as he was driving the test car that they were thinking of buying.

I remember the family room where everyone was sitting around and Amelia’s Mum just was crying her eyes out. I felt so bad that my best friend who was the same age as me and was probably meant for greater things then I had died.

I grew up with people telling me that she was watching over me and that her presence was always with me but with all due respect I was freighted I didn’t want any person dead or alive person watching over me, I wanted to be my own person.

As I entered school I struggled to keep friends as I never trusted anyone and thought they would always leave me.

Plus I had an overachieving sister who was born after Amelia's death, who was always wanting Mums attention and could repeat the alphabet as well as numbers by the age of two.

I always felt stupid as I struggled to learn to read and write but luckily enough I had some great teachers who tutored me in reading and writing.

I was always a bit of a mischievous child I loved climbing trees and rooftops as I liked to feel above everyone and I could see how small we really are in comparison to everything else. I enjoyed mud fights and swimming.

Every school holidays I would go to my Grandparents farm in which I would run around the track and help with the horses. I loved climbing the haystacks and patting the horses.

But my cousins could be cruel, I had a cousin Scott who locked me in an old truck with a stallion horse I was petrified and crying my eyes out until my cousin Ryan came out and carried me out of the truck letting me know that its all ok.

I had another time when my cousin Matt wrote me a letter saying how ugly and dumb I was and that no one will ever love me. I cried my eyes out and eventually, he apologised but still treated me like shit.

I have had many hard times at my Grandparents farm especially when I used to help with the cleaning out the stables. Grandpa used to hire strange men to work for him and there was this one who I can’t recall his name. He always touched me inappropriately and one time he tried to kiss me.

All I can remember is running away and never helping out in the stables again. I remember my grandmother asking me why I haven’t been helping in the stables and I was too afraid to say anything. So that was basically the end of my enjoyment of my Grandparents farm.

I feel like I have never fitted in with my family like I was born into the wrong family. My brother and sister are very different to me though they are both extroverts who have always had heaps of friends and been super sporty in which I am not.

I am the opposite I like bike riding, swimming, being alone, animals and reading.

My Dad loves me I know I am his favourite but he has always wanted me to be someone I am not. Which was rich, super successful and a star of some sort, he was probably just thinking of his own struggles and how good it would have been for him to have plenty of materialistic things at his age such as a big house, nice car and lots of money to flash around. He has basically brainwashed my brother and sister to only care about this to but why be like that when we have no idea what the future holds, Scientists, say that the ice caps are melting rising sea levels leaving more people needing to immigrate which will require more food and water in which we are running out of.

I want a simple life with a small property where I can have lots of animals, a veggie patch and just a close-knit energy efficient house. Nothing flash, I don’t care about making a heap of money or having a massive house. I want to have a happy life with my partner, children and animals.

I am writing all this as I want to understand myself better and what has made me who I am, I am not close with my siblings as I have nothing in common with them and I can’t get along with my parents as I can’t handle being judged as if I am weak, poor and unsuccessful as well as the feeling they give in which that I am not good enough.

I want to live life to the fullest by trying everything and taking every opportunity that comes my way.

I hated adolescents as I was the first to grow boobs and get my period at the age of ten. My friends were pretty much all geniuses and only cared about school, parties and boys.

I wasn't into that I like staying at home with my puppy dog watching reruns of Bewitched or the office. My bedroom was my sanctuary, where I could be me and not me I put on at school, the happy go lucky girl who had no problems at all when in reality I hated myself. I hated the way I looked, I thought I was fat, boring and just not cool enough. However, I always did have friends but a few weren’t good for me as they made me feel bad for not liking the things she liked or that I wasn't ready to lose my virginity as all the boys I knew I had grown up with.

There was a time when I wouldn't eat or talk to anyone for about a week as I just lost my will to keep surviving. But no one seemed to care or pick up on it until I started taking psychology classes and learnt about mental health which led me to the field of work that I want as a career in which is counselling.

I never really had a problem with the school as it was interesting to learn about new things as I loved P.E. theory and Psychology. I was just an average student but all my teachers liked me. Unfortunately, though the school only went to year ten so I had to leave people that I had grown up with since primary school and go to a whole new school.

I was extremely anxious and I think this is when my depression really kicked into gear as I always want to just jump on a train and disappear to a new life where I could change my life and have a whole new beginning. I still think about that now just jumping on the bus to Melbourne and getting a flight overseas and never think twice about anyone else I left behind as I could finally have my freedom.

I think it is human nature to feel like that as we live our lives going to pre-school, primary school, high school, tafe, and university. Then get stuck in a job for the rest of lives, if we think we are truly free we are not. There are people out there that just live life to the fullest who volunteer, work odd jobs and just travel the work and that sounds exciting.

However, I have Ben and my cats which make me happy as well as my pet care business in which I get to do what I love every day if I want. It's just still the judgement from my parents and siblings that I don’t own a house yet and have thousands of money in my bank account.

I like to live, cook and experiment with whatever is exciting I don’t want to be pressured or afraid like my mother I had that enough by my Dad when he forced me to do the Deb which I hated but I feel so sorry for my partner as I just couldn’t enjoy myself and was so mean to him.

Stigma of Mental Health and Hair-Raising Confessions

Warning extreme content

Today I was talking with my mental health crisis caseworker about how hard it has been for me to tell people about my mental illness.

I don’t like to label my illness as I believe that having a label can have negative impacts such as putting a person in a box and that all they see themselves as being the illness.

However there are benefits to having a label for your mental illness such as knowing what you can do to help yourself as well as the best treatment plans that are available for that certain disorder.

Although I have been given so many labels for my mental illness, that it is exhausting that I just stick to saying I have depression.

Some labels I have been given include and are not limited to bipolar, major depressive disorder, generalised anxiety and social anxiety.

Besides it just becomes too much as there are so many forms of treatment and medications that I have been given, that I feel as if some psychiatrists who you may meet once or twice just come to a general conclusion thus placing you in a box.

However, I have some great support out there especially the crisis mental health team from Albury/ Wodonga (I will put their crisis support number below). They met me once a week for three month intervals and organise all my therapies for me and access how I am going. But I have been trying to help myself too, some examples are:

● Mindfulness colouring

● Gardening

● Cooking

● Animal care

● Reading

● Writing

● Cleaning

● Exercising

These things keep me from feeling overwhelmed and distressed especially at night time as at the moment I am having issues with sleeping.

I find night the hardest time as all the thoughts of being unwanted, unloved, worthless and a loser come to me but luckily enough I have Ben, who I can vent to about those negative thoughts.

I think I find it hard to express myself when talking to people which is why I avoid people. This is why I find writing this blog as it is really helpful way to understand my thoughts and feelings. As well as help others understand me as I feel that most people think I am little miss perfect who hasn’t fucked up but trust me I have.

I like to try new things and experiment as I believe that is how we learn and understand the world in a different perspective.

I like to smoke a bit of weed and have always had a big sexual appetite 🤫 (lucky Ben).

The first time I tried weed was when I was at schoolies, it's quite a funny story as I wanted to try it and we were staying in a cabin next to a guy with dreadlocks and I straight out asked him if he had any, what's more, I was right.

So we hot boxed their car and then got extremely paranoid as we thought the security guard was going to catch us. I remember going back to our cabin and just laughing at everything as well as eating everything we had available.

Then the next day I called my Mum up and told her but she did not get mad at me she just laughed and said I am glad your having fun.

I also had a time in Amsterdam when we went to a ‘cafe’ and we had no idea how to roll a joint so the guy at the counter had to do it for us. It was so strong that on our way back to the hostel we thought there were holes everywhere and that we were going to fall in. I think when I got to the hostel I emptied the vending machine of all the kit-kats.

However when I got back from Europe moved to Melbourne, I got really into the party scene and drank to the point that my liver got very inflamed and I had to stay off the booze. I am pretty sure I failed a whole semester of uni as I was too hungover to attend half the time.

Times have changed now though I hardly drink anymore as I think it is way to damaging as it causes to may complications and stupid decisions.

Anyhow I have experimented with other drugs such as MDMA, Ketamine, Acid, Mushrooms, Opioids, Xanax and Ice. I chose to try these drugs as I wanted to understand what they did and to be honest the only good one is weed.

I still struggle to understand how people get addicted to drugs and alcohol as I hate feeling physically ill and I love sleep.

To note I did try these drugs in safe environments under supervision and had done my research before as I like to be informed.

Most people will probably judge me for doing this but why not? People have been doing drugs since the beginning of time for art and spirituality reasons.

I believe alcohol is the real issue as it causes so many problems in society as it is the most used drug in Australia causing twice as many deaths in 2005 than road accidents (Collins & Lapsley, 2008). While there has been no deaths due to the use of cannabis use (Collins & Lapsley, 2008).

We have a very backwards society where we are even behind America in their legalisation of cannabis in some states.

Anyhow, now I mostly just enjoy a glass of red on occasion (usually can’t even finish it) and a sneaky joint as you do need some vices in life.

I mostly try to do the right thing I don’t go out to clubs, I literally hang out with Ben and my three cats watching survivor or the bachie. I love stand up comedy as well as reading thriller and mystery novels.

It has been hard having people who think you should just get over it and that mental illness isn’t a really thing. I know for a fact that I started to feel depressed in my early teens before I even tried alcohol or drugs. I think I just wasn’t ready to grow up and deal with life.

However some people can be quite closed minded about any form of drugs such as my sister who doesn’t even believe in taking panadol for a headache (each to their own I guess). But it does hurt to not have people understand as it makes me and I am sure many others feel inadequate.

I hope I haven’t shocked anyone with what I have said in this post but I want to be honest with everyone and myself as I am sick to death of hiding the real me. I am not perfect in any way I have made mistakes and they were my choices no one else's.

I hope to teach my children one day that its ok to cry, its ok to feel sad and angry as they are all normal emotions.

As well as educate them about drugs and alcohol as they are a part of society and you can’t protect them from everything you can only give them the information and trust that they know what they are doing and equipped for whatever comes their way.

“Strong people alone know how to organize their suffering so as to bear only the most necessary pain.”

― Emil Dorian

“I spent my young adult years postponing many of the small things that I knew would make me happy…I was fortunate enough to realize that I would never have the time unless I made the time. And then the rest of my life began.”

― Chris Peterson

If you are struggling with drug and alcohol addiction here are some great websites for information:

● https://aa.org.au/

● https://www.al-anon.org.au/

● https://www.health.nsw.gov.au/aod/Pages/external-links.aspx

Also for those wanting tips on raising resilient children and young adults:

● https://beyou.edu.au/

● https://schools.au.reachout.com/articles/building-resilience-in-young-people-resource

Albury Wodonga Health

● Adult Mental Health Service 24 hr. Mental Health Crisis line: 1300 783 347

References

19 Resilience & Adversity Quotes That Will Inspire and Empower You. (2019, July 10).

Retrieved from https://positivepsychology.com/resilience-quotes/

Collins, D., & Lapsley, H. (2008). The costs of tobacco, alcohol and illicit drug abuse to

Australian society in 2004/05. Canberra: Commonwealth of Australia.