TRAUMA: The Diaries

I have been trying to cope broken-hearted for a long time. I tried every coping mechanism I was taught through psychology classes and by my therapists over the years. I tried to go through all five stages of grief, yet this heavy pain refuses to let me go. I was able to accept it, to understand it, and to move on without it. But after it all, the memories are still hunting me. They still remind me of what I have lost every time I try to sleep. I spent hours thinking it over; dissecting every one of them. Trying to find the reasons why. The moment when I started losing her. In the end, the answers to all my wonders remained unexplained and I needed to find a way to move on. To move on without closure.

When I first met her, I thought the past would protect me from committing the same mistake. I never thought it would reopen old wounds. It had been ten years since my last relationship had ended abruptly without any warning sings or foreseeable issues between the two of us. What I thought was a solid love and understanding relationship, was ripped away without any logical reason. One day she told me she loved me. A week later, I was left in the dark, with no will to rekindle what we had built. I was left to my own conclusions and never found out how, or why she concluded that letting me go was her best option. For months, I replayed back the weeks leading to our last night together, trying to make sense of it all. After she broke up with me, she always made a point of making sure I knew she was with someone else every time we were at the same social event. She was the one who chose to walk away from our relationship, so her behavior confused me.

Year after year, layers after layers of defensive clay solidified the marks from all the times I had to escape this abyss. Each layer made of specific red flags designed to recognize early negative relationship behaviors. Friends and family thought I was too picky. What they did not know was that I only had a few pieces left of my heart to give. After so many fell, the pieces became beyond repair. I cherished these pieces more than anything. They represented the fundamentals of my soul. Love, and all its attached values and principles are what got me through life as a good person and the basics of my faith. These pieces of my heart, as small as they may have become, are the source of my warmth, the energy I share with the world, and fuel my passion and devotion to my relationships. By the time she came into my my life, the pieces became so precious. My defensive walls turned to offensive, and fought away anyone who tried to stay.

These red flags are not simple generalizations and quick-to-judge decisions, they have been tested many times, by many different live participants. They never knew it, but I was spending a lot of time observing, analyzing and compiling their tactics and their results. I was not short of examples: Relationships are the same regardless of age, status and bank account. If anything, these are factors that can also help predict possible outcomes. Behavioral tendencies exist and most people tend to fall within behaviors to be expected in similar situations. After awhile, you realize that everyone has a lot more in common than they would like to believe.. My own life taught me a few lessons on love. I was cheated on ten out of twelve times. I have been through verbal, physical, and mental abuse on many occasions. It is from those compilations and personal experiences that my preconscious created these red flags. So I would know what I am looking for, or not. To find someone I could give myself to, with confidence that they would not take it for granted. So I can find the one who would deserve the last few heart pieces at the center of all my thorns. Ten years went by, still no one had found the key to get inside me. Until there was her.

The first night, I had a feeling it was a set-up but I figured, “Why not?, I love to meet new people,” We were both so shy and left to ourselves, yet we seemed to converse and it felt right, simple. The conversation went on for a bit until this creepy guy slowly made his approach from behind her, then slowly pulled her away from me. It was clear to me: This guy was her boyfriend and he just made it known. I could have taken it as a provocation or aggressive warning, but I knew better. For one, I never mess with other people's relationships unless the relationship is abusive. In that case, I understand how hard it is to get away from it when you feel trapped with no way out. So I have no problem helping. But that night, I was not going to be the fool standing by while one was handed to me. No, I was not going to be a scape-goat. I took off first. Said my goodbyes, looked directly into her eyes and told her to feel free to contact me if she wanted more info about my art. I slowly drove home, trying to forget all about it.

To my surprise, I already had a friend’s request on my social media. I believe it was at that moment that all my layers raised up. They were ready to take on the fight to protect the remains of my heart. She told me all the reasons why her relationships grew apart. I made notes so I would not do the same. I told her that I would not pursue until she was truly free. So she did. She left being unhappy to pursue me. Everything she said she was looking for and never had described everything I wanted to give. I was still skeptical. Every day she had a way to surprise me. She would always show me that I was in her thoughts in messages or by little signs of affection. Day after day, she was giving me what I never had before. Every day, I felt my needs were satisfied as much as I was satisfying hers. Day after day, my walls were getting thinner and softer. Most of all, I was happy and I could see that she was happy with me. She could finally be herself and be loved for it.

Everyone noticed and her friends had all said that I was all she ever wanted. They explained how all the others used her weaknesses against her to manipulate her and they did not deserve her. They were glad to know she was finally with someone good and looked happier. For months, we cherished every moment together. We were building a solid relationship built on trust, open-communication, and a mutual strive to push each other towards our individual goals. We were happy together and looked forward a future together. Then one day, without a warning from Faith, Fortune delivered a devastating blow to her soul, ripping out her spirit and will to live. The unfairness of it all was overwhelming, even for me, who could only imagine the pain and despair that she must have felt. She told me that she was not worthy to be with someone in the state she was in. I thought to myself: ‘No, she has shown me more love, appreciation and support then anyone before. She was able to triumph over my defenses and showed me how beautiful her soul could be. I could see all her dreams and qualities resting in her eyes waiting to be freed, and I wanted to be part of these dreams.”

If I could not be there for her at her lowest, I sure did not deserve to be there for her at her best. So I promised myself to support her any way I could so she would know that no matter what would happen, she would always have a partner who would love her and that she could lean on. I used everything I had learned to make sure I would do it right this time. I raced to her side when she bled to feel. I gave her my shoulder to cry so she could let her pain out without shame. I was there every time she needed to feel like she was not alone. I gave her hope when she thought all hope was gone. I tried to always come up with small gestures to show my love. One night, she said I did not have to do any of it. So I did even more. I helped around the house, fixed things here and there, and made sure she could focus on herself without being overwhelmed. I could also see how much she was giving of herself out of love and compassion. That alone was enough to push me and convince me that what I was doing was right and was helping her see through her darkness. I was convinced that it was solidifying a beautiful foundation of trust and strengthening our relationship. I knew that once the storm had passed, she would shine once again, and we could move ahead even stronger. But somehow, I was wrong. I was there by her side this whole time while no one else stepped forward to help her: Not her family, not her close friends, not even the ones who hurt her before were there when she needed it the most, but I was. I proved to her time and time again that no matter what, I was willing to do what it took to be by her side.

When her friend refused to accept our relationship and also refused to meet the person that was important to her, I was insulted, but also hurt for her. I was hurt that the person she considered her friend, turned her happiness into doubt and guilt. He slowly spread mischief and started limiting what she could tell me and telling her what to do or risk loosing him. He would get angry when she would not listen to him or if I came into the picture. All the times she thought I was trying to tell her what to do when I was being disrespected and our relationship discredited. In reality, it was him who had limited her options. But she couldn’t see that and the seeds took roots. I had seen it done so many times before. I should have listened to the red flags. But I swallowed my pain and let her decide for herself, as I always did before. I let her decide who was worth fighting for . Unlike him, I never gave an ultimatum. From the start, I wanted to meet him and wanted him in her life. They refused to see me or even speak to me. I even tried to send a text that she read and agreed was fair. I was reassuring him on his fears of me and gave him all the opportunities to be there for her as well. He answered by getting mad at her and once again, degrading me and our relationship. He tried to keep her from seeing me by making her feel guilty when we did. She had to hide her friendship from me, not because I was jealous, but because he wanted it that way.

Even then, I swallowed my pride and all the emotions that were boiling inside. Even if for me, the bigger picture was clear as day, my hands were tied and there was nothing more I could say. In my mind, I had no doubt she was worth every pain he would send my way. The more I would have to remind her of her inspirations, her dreams, her qualities, the reasons why we were great together; the more her thoughts became clouded and slowly, little by little, all the little things that made her happy with me, the little things that made her show her love for me, all started to fade away. They suddenly became reasons to push me away. They had morphed from symbols of trust, partnership and love, into silence, distance and grievance. I was fighting ghosts. The ghosts from her past her friends told me had used her weaknesses against her. Friends who once told her that I was meant to keep, only to turn around and help her stir away when she wanted to stay. The ghosts had pulled her under water and led her astray once more. Bright was our light when the ghosts were away, but once my light was no longer bright enough to shine, the ghosts quickly took her away.

All I ever asked of her was to be herself. The one who enjoyed the little things that made me, me. The one who always sent me little notes with compliments, cute nicknames, and reminders that I was hers. All this love and freedom of expression that she would put into her messages. The little gestures she would do that never ceased to impress me, day after day. To see her soar as she was now free to be whoever she wanted to be and still be loved. She was eager to show me who she was, forgetting who they wanted her to be. It was such an inspiration for me. It was giving me such strength and faith. It fueled my will to stand by her fight along through her hell, until she would see the light once more. But somehow, it all became trivial to her. Somehow, she had forgotten how it all felt and meant to her. Little by little, she closed in instead. But I never gave up believing in her, believing in us. By the end, she could not even tell me five things she loved about me. After everything, she could not think of five things. How could that be? How was this even possible? On the day she finally decided to let me go, she said there was “too many things” to fix. At so many points during our relationship, I had asked her to be open with me and to bring up anything that may be in her mind so we could fix it before it became an issue. All those times, she assured me that everything was “ok”. I believed her when she said to wait as it was just a phase. I believed her when she said she wanted us to work. It felt like I was the only one working. But I believed in her. My instincts were right. So how can there be “too many things” to change? I was never told even one.

Every time we had a difference of opinion, in the end, I always made the sacrifices needed for her to be happy, so this day would never come. I made sure to do everything right. I gave her my attention, devotion, and support. I was loving, caring, and understanding. I have tried my best to help her through her nightmares. I tried helping her become who she was so enthusiastic to become. On that day, she no longer knew who that was. I made sure to be the best life partner that I could be. How can there be “too many things”?

All of this simply did not matter. I had to cope with my loss. Whatever her reasons, it was worth more then our time together for her. It was worth more than my love. Some said it was her who did not deserve my love. That may be, but the truth remained, I could no longer love her. After all she had showed me of herself, I could no longer love her. When the warm spring light started dissipating her fogy thoughts, she could no longer love me. She must have compared and weighed all the positives and negatives on both sides to decide. And no matter what it was, it was still not enough for her to be with me. It did not matter anymore as I had to grieve. So I grieved a while longer. I shut it all out for awhile as I knew that my thoughts and broken dreams did not matter. I had seen it before.

As the time went by, I thought that if I could also find reasons to let her go, it would help. Many seasons later, I still have to find one. I had to move on and try to rebuild myself without the closure needed to process the pain and find comfort. I had lost my self-esteem. My self-worth was shattered and the rest of my life had found its way to the bottom without any anchor to hold on to. But the worst part of it, the last few pieces of my heart were now gone, as ashes rained down inside of me. A grey and misty cloud of dust settling deep within, replacing the space once filled with love to spare.

I went from everything to nothing once again. Ten years to the day, and I found myself at the same crossroad. A nightmare that seemed to never end. How could I find closure?

Perhaps if I choose the other path...

(To be Continued...)