This was only the beginning

I blocked out my childhood for as long as I can remember then little things started to hit me like a freight train it came fast and god it hit harder then I ever expected . I remember living with my mom , my uncle he’s my favorite! There was movies and games and laughter and fun , I remember living with my grandma who taught me to shop until I dropped which didn’t take long as a child . I remember moving and it was my mom , me and I had my grandpa , my great uncle and someone my mom worked with plus my brothers and sister . My mom was a paramedic before she got too sick . She worked crazy hours so having so many people in a home to help with 4 crazy kids was always nice . When mom wasn’t there though it wasn’t nice . It was doing squats with stinking sweaty boots on a rolling pin , it was boot camp because we were too loud , it was late nights sitting on the floor with my great uncle and my two younger brothers while everyone else slept and watching porn and rubbing his nasty feed ! It was smacks across the face and name calling . But I finally had enough . One night I planned with my brother ( who’s 2 maybe 3 years younger then me ) to go to school and finally report to our school what was really going on ! How we just wanted Mark gone . Little did we know that would be our last time for a while home with our mom . CPS removed my brother and I we went to live with our dads ( we have different fathers ) I remember that car ride. I was so confused ! Why was I being taken ? Why didn’t our plan work ? Did mom choose him ? I remember telling myself I’ll never tell again . After that it seems to just blur . I remember living with my father ( if you can call him that ) his then wife , her 2 mean as hell sons and her niece and nephew . They all had finished rooms , they all ate together like a happy family . Me ? I sat in front of a tv alone . I had a room , with nails sticking out of the floor because Todd never had time to fix it , see he had his own business and he was a volunteer firefighter. Todd he has a temper . I remember borrowing something from a student and Todd punched a big hole into the wall next to my face . I remember I wanted to go to the book fair and my grandma give Todd the money for it . He wouldn’t give me it so I tried to steal a Judy b jones book . Not only did Todd beat my ass , he threw a plastic kitchen toy set that was my baby sisters at my face . I remember his evil wife used to feed me baloney and plain chip sandwiches for lunch while everyone else had fast food or Mac and cheese . I remember her throwing out all my valentines stuff from school , I snuck it out of the trash and hid in on a whole in my closet . But I mostly remember the nephew. I remember his body wash and the way his breathing was and the way his hands covered my mouth as he shoved his penis in me . This happened for years as Todd slept across the hall . I was all of 6 years old and 9 years old when it finally ended and I knew more about sex then what happiness was . I remember telling my mom and she confronted Todd in a restaurant and the belt to the fan breaking I ran out of there with my pants around my ankles I was so scared of Todd I lied I told him it was the boys . I don’t why I just knew I was scared and wanted it to stop . I remember not wanting to keep having this conversation and admitting I lied about the whole thing . I didn’t wanna not see my family anymore . I was supposed to go to New Mexico with my grandma I didn’t want to risk it . I remember going to NM with my grandma and that trip was a mess , my cousins who were being adopted were with us we used our game boys as phones , we played in the camper the whole trip . My boy cousin who was a few years younger then me had the weakest stomach . Every time someone farted he threw up 😂 he’s out grown it now . I remember taking a shopping trip with my gram and telling her everything , she called my mom and when I came to visit my mom we talked she told me I had to tell Todd ! He was listening to my call he was so mad he threw the house phone at me , threw me into his truck in my pjs and a coat and boots and then we drove . He told me he hated me , he was removing his tattoo he had for me , he would be taking his name off my birth certificate and I was as good as dead to him . My mom had no clue where I was for 2 weeks I was at Todd’s moms house . CPS got involved AGAIN. The cops . My mom got home back BUT I was never the same . Long nights of screaming , attempted suicide , ended up in the psych hospital , black outs from rage , broke my moms ribs , dislocated her nose , broke her wrist , fist fulls of hair I was out of control. I wanted my dad to love me . What did I do wrong ? I didn’t ask for him to do that. I should have just kept my mouth shut .